Happy ICLW

Hello!  This is the first month I have participated in ICLW in a long time! 

My husband and I suffered through a miscarriage in July of 2010.  After much thought and soul searching we decided to proceed with IVF in October of that same year.  We were blessed to become pregnant with twins on that very first cycle.  Our Zachary and Zoe were born this past summer. 

I am touched every single day by just how special these babies are and what joy they bring to our lives.  Our Zachary is what I call our grumpy old man.  He grunts and groans, and makes my heart melt every single time he laughs or smiles.  That boy is a charmer.  Our Zoe is probably the single most sweetest creature I have ever run across.  Always patient, always happy, and constantly cracking herself up.  I prayed for these babies for years and now that they are here I still can't believe it. 

I am so excited for our very first Christmas together.  My family has always been close, but these babies have brought us even closer.  So many people love these babies.  My family keeps asking what I want for Christmas, the truth of the matter is that I received everything I ever wanted last July.  As long as these babies, are healthy and happy, I don't need a thing. 

I hope that each of you have a happy holiday filled with laughter, joy, and above all else family!

When did Faith Become a Four Letter Word?

I, by no stretch of the imagination am a model Catholic girl.  I can't remember the last time I went to church.  I think about going a lot, but that probably doesn't count. 

Tim Tebow.  Can someone explain this to me?  From what I can see, he appears to be religious, apparently always has been, and lives his life accordingly.  Why, does this inspire such ridicule? 

I think we have all heard news stories about athletes involved in drugs, crime, domestic violence, etc.  Barely, a peep about these folks.  For some reason, it is absolutely ridiculous to have a football player praying and thanking a greater power.  Really?  Personally, I think in this day and age it ought to be appreciated to have an athlete that is actually a good role model for kids. 

I don't even really watch football anymore but this really bothers me.  Leave this guy alone, let him play the game he loves, and live his life the way he sees fit. 

We have a Roller

My little houdini Zachary has become quite the little roller.  A few nights we have gone into the nursery to find him rolled over and quite proud of himself.  I am kind of sad that the first person to see him roll; live and in person, was my Mom and not Bill or I.  I know that it is not supposed to be a big deal but deep down it kind of feels like it is.  We shall see if Miss Zoe decides to follow in her brother's footsteps. 

We got our family pictures back today and I think they turned out great.  It still feels very surreal to look at the pictures and see my dreams of a family looking right back at me. 

Thankful....

I love Thanksgiving.  It is absolutely one of my favorite days all year long.  It give us the opportunity to think of all the good things in our lives.  Here a just a few of mine.

I am thankful that I still have my Mom and Dad to share the day with.
I am thankful for my Sisters, without whom I would still be doing turkey day dishes.
I am thankful for my Nieces, the two most hilarious people I have ever known.
I am thankful for my Husband and his sweet, quiet way.
I am most thankful for the two sleeping babies in the nursery.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful time with their families this Thanksgiving.  I, for one, am going to do my best this year to keep the spirit of the day with me and be thankful for the good things in my life every day. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! 

Image Courtesy of Google Images

Twins Must be Hard

We took the babies out last weekend to get family pictures taken.  They did pretty good by the way.  Poor Zach got a little hungry in the middle.  They were so nice about it!  They stopped, let us feed the babies and start back up about a half hour later.  He did not give us that million dollar smile though.  Turkey!  I should have pictures to post next week.

Every time we are out and about not one but many people will remark either that twins are hard or that I must be tired.  I want to be clear here, I really am not all that tired.  I don't know why people are always making negative comments like that.  It does get on my nerves.  Maybe, it's because I personally find life a lot more enjoyable if you approach it from a positive place. 

I look at Zach and Zoe as being every bit the blessing today as they were the day I found out about them.  I love these babies, I do. 

Moody!

I am moody today, but I really don't know why. 

We only have one car that the babies can go in.  My car.  My car is in the shop with a laundry list of issues.  Luckily it will be fixed today, or unluckily when you look at what they will be charging us to fix it. 

The car situation is a source of irritation for me though.  We are so lucky to have my Mom watching the babies.  However, the car situation it is hard.  My commute was long to begin with.  Now, with all the loading and unloading and driving to my Mom's and then driving to work and then repeat again at night.. It's difficult.  I really wish my husband and I could share this a little.   It feels like I am just driving and working and driving some more.  The babies are cranky if they are not in bed by 6:30 so it doesn't even feel like I get to spend any time with them at all during the week.   

We talk about the car situation all the time, but another family car is not going to be possible for 5 years.  I think I am just feeling overwhelmed by a lot of things today but it is the car thing that has got my focus.  I know that this is a non issue.  The world is full of real problems and this is just not one of them.  

I know what a Waaahnie Butt! 

One Year Ago Today...

Bill and I had to drive out South last night to pick up my Craigslist loot.  The ladies house happened to be right by the Conceptions office.  We started talking about how it was about this time last year that we made that journey.  Today, I looked back through our files and realized it was exactly one year ago today that we had our transfer.  Funny huh? 

I remember coming back from that appointment last year, so scared, but hopeful too.  I wanted it to work so badly.  I was terrified of how I would handle it if it didn't work  Secretly, I hoped for twins.  It seemed greedy to feel that way, so I don't think I ever actually said it. 

Somehow, someway all of our prayers were answered.  I don't know how we were so lucky.  Even now, I thank God everyday for these babies.  They are the most amazing gift to ever come into my life. 

The pictures you see are the first we ever received of our Zachary and our Zoe, one year ago today. 

I am a Craigslist Toy Addict......

It all started innocently enough, the babies were obsessed with the Baby Tad frog at my Mom's house.  Just thought I would look for another.  I wandered onto Craigslist and scored one for $5. 

I have found that there are many a toy that others have purchased for full price that there children have never played with.  My babies can have these toys at a deep discount.  Oh dear.  We have that frog, a doggie, a fire truck, a barbie car... Now this weekend the big score, the Fisher Price Step and Play Activity center. 

I fear I will not be able to stop the madness........

Happy Friday

What a great Friday I am having. Started out the morning with two happy babies. I love it when the day starts like that. Zoe was very impressed with her mobile this morning. I can't wait to get home and start the weekend with these babies. They are growing so much everyday.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

The Little Couple

Although their journey is slightly different from mine, I do watch their show hoping for a happy outcome for them.

It was so interesting to watch the show. Last November, we went through our procedure and seeing it on TV really brought it all back to me. I was so happy to find out that their surrogate was pregnant. When they panned to their faces 6 weeks later, I recognized the expression. I won't lie, I cried. I remember that pain. It is something you would never wish on anyone. I remember going back and forth between needing to take time for myself to heal, to being so angry I couldn't even recognize myself, to urgently needing to be pregnant again. If I were just pregnant again, it would take away the pain. Obviously, it doesn't work that way; but your emotions are such a roller coaster after losing a baby.

This couple are exactly like Bill and I. I sincerely hope at the end of their journey, they get their happy ending too.

Happy Halloween......

You Can Call me Aurora......

Okay, I won't lie I am a child of the 80's and proud of it!

One of my all time favorite movies is Terms of Endearment. I have probably seen the movie 100 times and yes, I cry every single time I see it. Sap! There is one scene from the movie that I have always thought was absolutely ridiculous. In the beginning of the movie, Shirley MacLaine basically climbs into the crib to make sure that Debra Winger's character is breathing. She has her ear all the way up to the baby and can't hear anything. She finally pinches the baby and makes it cry. She then smiles and leaves the room.

Ridiculous, right?

I am afraid that I am constantly worried that one of the babies is not breathing. Everytime I wake up, I go and check. Zach snores already so he is easy. I can literally hear him breathing in my room. Zoe Anne is harder. She is a quiet girl. Last night, I couldn't tell if she was breathing; so I made Bill go in and check too. He couldn't tell either. So he lifts up her hand, scared the poor thing half to death. She promptly went back to sleep. I smiled and left the room.

Please help me, I am Aurora.....

Sad Baby......

Happy Baby.....

Get Ready Babies

Poor babies! We are supposed to get our first real snow of the season this afternoon into tomorrow. They didn't like the rain a few weeks ago. Stay tuned for their feelings on snow if it shows up. Never can trust those weather people.....

It's My Blogversary....

Is that a word? Probably not.

One year ago I started my blog. We had just made the decision to go ahead with our first IVF cycle. We said we would only do one cycle and that was it. Truthfully, I probably would have done two, but no more. I thought it would be helpful to put my thoughts down as we went through the process. If anyone would have told me a year ago that I would have two amazing babies napping in the living room, I wouldn't have believed them.

I was hopeful, and I was optimistic, but in the back of my head I was worried. Worried that it wouldn't work. Worried that I was too old. Worried that I would have another miscarriage. Worried that if I did have another miscarriage, I wouldn't survive it. Worried the baby wouldn't be okay. So many things to worry about.

I am happy to be blogging today with a much different focus than the one I started with. A focus on our chaotic, happy family. In retrospect, jumping forward with that IVF cycle was the single best decision of my entire life. I look at these babies and I cannot imagine my life without either one of them.I love that we are forging ahead and creating our own traditions with these babies.

Happy Blogversary to me!

Kind of Sort of Getting a Routine Going....

I have found the whole process of getting a back to work routine going, challenging to say the least.

I am very lucky that my Mom is watching the babies for us. That being said, my commute both ways is about an hour longer than it otherwise would be. The babies and I are not getting home until 5:30 or 6 and they really like to be asleep between 6:30 and 7. My attempts to keep them up a little later with some play time have failed miserably.

I get home, get them fed and in jammies, and before we know it it is off to bed we go. Most nights lately, my husband has been home too which makes life so much easier. I go back downstairs and make our dinner and we are eating around 8. The babies, more often then not, will sleep through to 5 or 6 am and it all starts again.

I am trying so hard to find a workout time to get myself back in gear. My time with the babies is already so slim, I don't want to do it after work. After dinner is too late. Truthfully, I am still exhausted in the morning so before work has been a struggle. I have really been toying with cancelling my gym membership near my house and joining one near my work for a lunchtime workout. I am really starting to think that is the only way I am going to get this in.

This may sound weird to some but the workouts are very important to me. I went through some health problems a few years back and it was the addition of an exercise routine that I feel turned it all around. It has been a year since I have really been able to exercise and that is not good.

I am thinking the lunchtime idea is the only way to go.......

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is a special day. It is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Today, I remember our first baby. The one, that we experienced the highs of excitement when we found out that we were pregnant and the lows of depression when we realized that we were going to miscarry. We called him our Little Peanut. He was special to me; and I am just as heartbroken today as I was then, that he is not here.

I love my Zach and my Zoe; but you will always have a special place in my heart, because you were my first. I miss you still and will love you always.

I Don't Understand

Sometimes the more you try to understand the God's plan the less you do.

Yesterday, I was floored by three families stories. First, I found out about a woman that after trying for years to have a baby, had embraced adopting a baby instead. The birthmother decided at the last minute to change her mind. After this couple had spent $10,000, they will not be bringing a baby home. Next, there is a family that I had become aware of through my twins group. They have boy/ girl twins just like Bill and I do. The girl was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few months ago and has been going through chemo and all that goes along with it. Well, yesterday their son has started exhibiting some of the same symptoms and will be getting an MRI today to see if he also has a brain tumor. Can you imagine? Finally, one of my fellow bloggers was 20 weeks along with boy/ girl twins named Michael and Elena and they died on Weds.

I hugged my babies especially tight this morning. I am thankful for them every single day. I will never forget what I had to go through to bring them home and they will always be the single biggest blessing of my life. While I am grateful for what I have; I am utterly heartbroken for each of these families. I am going to be praying for each of these families this weekend and hope you will do the same.

Am I Biased or Are these Babies Perfect?

I know that I am their Mother, but I personally think these babies are perfect.

We will hit 3 months on Saturday. I cannot believe it! They are sleeping from between 7:30 and 8:00 at night until about 5 am. I never thought we would hit this but we have. They are talking to us, and smiling and laughing. I am having so much fun with these babies.

Zoe is aware of her brother and when they are together is trying to get his attention to play. Zach in typical male fashion does not seem to be aware of her yet and is happily oblivious. It is so cute when Zach cries, she starts crying too. It seems that she is worried about her brother and just has no idea why she is crying.

I miss them so much when I am at work. Calling my Mom way too much to see how they are. I do enjoy talking to them on the phone though:-D

I am adjusting to being back at work and it really isn't that bad.

Getting Stronger...Living Longer...

It is time to get serious about losing this baby weight. Really considering that I had twins I didn't gain all that much. However, considering I had to do fertility treatments first, I am much heavier than I want to be. I need to drop about 50 lbs to be where I want to be.

Today, it starts. I am off to kickboxing class in an hour and I am pumped. I haven't been since before my miscarriage. I always loved going to class so much. I know that I will be sore this afternoon but it will be a good sore. At least, that is what I will tell myself. I am trying to go to the gym every morning before work and am planning on trying to work in a Zumba class on Weds. nights as well. We will see if the babies will cooperate enough not to kill my husband.

I figure having to write about my journey in the blog will help keep me honest. I will post an update every Saturday morning whether I made all my workouts, how its going, and how much weight I have gained or lost. I will not however be posting my actual weight that would be horrifying:-D

Have a great weekend!

Bad Mom

Yes, I am afraid that it is true, I am a bad Mom. Why, you ask? I put my two defenseless children in their bumbo's yesterday well before their time. The box says they should be good to go at 8 weeks. Well, my babies are a good two weeks past that time. I thought it would be fine. Clearly, it was not fine.

Zoe, hunched over from the get go. I am ashamed to admit, I laughed and I laughed hard. She stayed in there for a good minute before letting me know of her displeasure. Zachary fits in the chair good, that chunky monkey. He does not mince words though, he alerted me to his displeasure immediately. Proof, of my bad deeds are attached.

In other news, yesterday was my 42nd birthday. My Mom and Niece came over to babysit the babies so that Bill and I could have a date night. We went to Maggiano's Little Italy. Oh my goodness, I ate long after I should have stopped. It was so good! Even more than that, it was so nice to have a quiet evening with Bill just to catch up. Everything has been such a whirlwind since the babies arrived.

Everyone kept asking what I wanted for my birthday. There is nothing else that I need, I got all I ever wanted on July 8th of this year.

How Amazing was that....

I think last night was the most amazing night of my entire life. Not one but two babies slept all night long. I kept hearing stirring here and there but no one woke up until 5:30 this morning. I am not crazy enough to think it will happen again for a long while but it was at least a glimpse of hope for the future.

I have to stop into work tomorrow and talk to them about my return from maternity leave. Yep, my turn at the stay at home Mom thing is over and I have to go back reality now. Fun while it lasted.

I'll let you know how things go tomorrow.

Daycare is Crazy....

Let me start this post by saying, I know I am lucky. My Mother did daycare either in our home or centers all of my life. She not only has offered to watch the babies for us but really wants to do it. If she goes 12 hours without seeing the babies withdrawl starts to set in.

I stopped by The Primrose School today just to see what they had to offer. For a daycare center, I loved it. Sign language, spanish, teacher to child ratio. All great. The grand total, not so great. $2400 a month, but they would give us a 10% twins discount bringing it down to $2160. My goodness, that is a lot of money.

We will keep them with my Mom until preschool. I would like to find a way to put them in Primrose for that. Believe it or not, I have already started looking into school options for them. I am not a big fan of the public school system. I would really like to get them either into a good Charter School or a Private School when it is time. Private Schools in Colorado run $20,000 a year though. These babies are the best and I just want the very best for them. I don't want to procrastinate and have their options be limited.

Like I said, I am lucky and the babies will be staying with their Grandma for the forseeable future. What about the Moms that aren't so lucky? I wanted to be a stay at home Mom but we have made the decision to go another route. How many Moms want to work and are forced through daycare costs to stay at home? This is a crazy world! We should all be able to make the choices that we want to make not have them made for us.

Okay, that wasn't so bad....

Okay, I made a bigger thing out of the shots than I needed to.

We went in for our appointment, the babies are growing great! Zach is almost 11 lbs and Zoe is 10.5. When they brought in all the needles for the shots I was a little nervous. Bill went first with Zach. He cried from the first injection, and so did I. Quietly, but still I cried. Zoe and I were next. I was stronger for her, because she could see me. She is one tough chick. There were a total of 4 injections and she did not cry until the 3rd. The nurse and I were both impressed.

I thought the babies would both be miserable tonight. Surprisingly not, Zach has been sleeping all night. Zoe has been cranky but I suspect it is her tummy and not the injections at all.

First of many traumatic motherhood experiences, check.....

Need All my Strength......

Tomorrow is the big day.

Zoe and Zachary have their 8 week appointment. Yes, this is the one where they both will get their first shots. I have been nervous about it for weeks and now it is here. I have been contemplating making a run for it. Mexico or Canada....either will do. I am fairly certain that I will cry more than they do.

On the other hand, happily I am in awe of these babies. It is astounding to me how quickly they are growing and changing. Zoe is starting to chatter a little and we have discovered that Zach has the biggest smile of any toothless person we have ever known. They are the most amazing babies on the planet ,of course and my favorite pastime is just sitting in my chair watching them.

I love to put them in their bouncy chairs and watch them play with their toys. Their attention span is all of two minutes currently but that is plenty for all of us. Neither of them has completely accepted their swing as a pastime that they enjoy but I have high hopes for the future!

Hoping that tomorrow is not nearly as traumatic as I think it will be. Wish us all luck......

8 Weeks Today

I cannot believe that these babies are 8 weeks old today.

I am getting a little stressed out. They have their 2 month checkup on Weds and they will be getting their first shots. I know I will cry as much as they do. I just know it.

As a new Mom, I have a whole laundry list of things to go over with the Dr. One really weird thing is that it looks like Zoe is losing the skin from her thumb. I don't know if that is from trying to suck it so much, but it seems really strange to me.

We are still trying to figure out this whole baby colic thing without much success. I am remain positive that I will find something to make these babies feel better!

We will be having our first family barbeque with the babies this weekend. I hope everyone has a Happy Labor Day!

Grumpy Baby

I love being a Mom. Deep down, it is all I ever wanted to be. I do feel like I am still struggling more than I should be.

Zach is a pretty colicky baby. I try so hard to try and figure out what it is that will make him feel better. To date, I have not succeeded. If anyone has any ideas of something that might help, I would love to hear them.

I know they say this stage should pass by 3 months, but could last up to a year.

Oh goodness, what will we do if it lasts that long?

Birth Control-Really......

I had my 6 week follow up appointment yesterday. I can't believe it has been 6 weeks already! Everything looks great and all restrictions have been lifted.

The Dr's office had a form you had to fill out before your appointment and one of the questions was what form of Birth Control will you be using. My answer was "I Don't Know". I was promptly told that could not be my answer. Well, why not? Fine, Fine, going on birth control pills for 9 months but it feels just plain silly. I did need IVF to get here. Better safe than sorry, I suppose. We are definitely done trying but if we had a happy miracle that would be fine with us too.

My very favorite part of the appointment- I am 50 lbs lighter than the week I had the babies. Yay! Still have a little bit to go but that definitely helps with my motivation.

The babies are doing great. They become more aware of their surroundings everyday. They have discovered all of a sudden that there are toys on their bouncy chairs and are amazed by it all.

I, in turn am pretty much amazed by them.

How Am I Going to do This?

I love these babies and they are absolutely the biggest blessing in my life. Boy, do they keep me hopping round the clock though.

The last few days they have been having a grand time with what I call tag teaming Mommy. One cries for a few hours, feeding, diaper change, a little rock here a little rock there and falls asleep. I swear not 30 seconds later, they switch.

I am lucky though , rarely are they upset simultaneously. This is good, because I still have not mastered the art of doing anything for them at the same time. Not feeding them, not holding them, nothing. I do feel like I should have gotten that down by now, but no.

I have to go back to work in 6 weeks, period. Not a decision that I am thrilled with but we have no choice.

I have really been trying to figure out in my head how this is all going to work. Yesterday, I barely had enough time for one glass of water, and a piece of toast. Good for my diet, not so great for me. This morning it was all but impossible to get a shower in and get dressed before my husband had to leave for work.

How on earth am I going to do this when I go back to work? Logistically, I am really struggling with being able to get it all done. My Mother told me this morning that it will get better in 6 weeks. Well, I guess it has to since that is exactly when I go back to work. I have honestly been considering getting up for the day at their 2 am feeding.

Deep down the fact that I will not be home with them just breaks my heart. I am trying so hard to be positive but at the end of the day I feel that these babies deserve the best. I grew up with the best. My Mom was always there when I needed her. They deserve as good as I got, if not better. They deserve a Mom who is devoted to them 100% of the time.

I am afraid of what having a Mom from 6pm to 6am will look like in their lives.

Glad that is Over

Well, I am happy to report that when I went back to the Dr today the infection is now under control. I just have to take the medicine until it is done but I should be fine. I would be lying if I didn't say that I was worried that I would be going back into the hospital today.

I go back next Weds for my 6 week follow up appointment. I can't believe it has been 6 weeks already!

The babies both discovered their hands today and were actually enjoying the time in their bouncy chairs. I think we are really starting to hit that patch where they are awake as much as they are asleep during the day.

Yesterday, we completed our journey to the babies Dr's office. Zach is now 8.5 lbs. I was afraid he was gaining so much that they were going to put him on a baby treadmill. He is good, they want him nice and chunky! Zoe is now 7.9 lbs. They have just about outgrown their newborn diapers headed off to size 1 already.

They are growing way too fast for me already. I've attached a picture of them waiting to head off to the Dr. yesterday.

Not sure if you noticed but somehow I gave birth to Arnold from Different Strokes. An 80's reference for any of you that are out there:-D

Need Lots of Prayers....

So, I always have done things according to my own time schedule. There is no rushing me, I like to take my time.

I went into the Dr. on Friday with what looked like an infection at my C Section incision. Up until this point everything appeared to be fine. She thought it was a little strange for it to pop up so late; but wrote me a prescription and told me to come back on Monday. Over the weekend, the area became more and more painful and I could tell that the affected area was spreading.

They asked me when I went in today how I thought it was doing and I told them I thought it was worse. This was confirmed by the Dr. I am now on two separate antibiotics and a powder. I have to go back in for another appointment on Weds. If it is not significantly better by then I will be admitted into the hospital. Apparently, they will need to begin a course of IV antibiotics.

I need to be home with these babies, not cooped up in the hospital. I am keeping my thoughts positive and am determined that the medicine will kick in and do its job.

In the meantime, if you can spare them we could sure use your prayers.

It's a Jungle Out There....

Oh my goodness! The last few days have been rough on and off with the babies. I just think their tummies have been giving them trouble here and there. So heartbreaking, when you can tell they are in pain and nothing you are doing seems to help.

All in all, today was a pretty good day for the babies and I. It was a jungle in the diaper department though. Zoe peed on the changing table twice. I had a pooping situation when changing Zach. This means he was still quite busy when I removed the diaper. I closed the diaper down, and decided to check again in a few minutes to see if he was done yet. Of course, in addition to pooping it was time to try and improve his aim in the pee department. I closed the diaper down again, and finally the third time was the charm! I then had a pooping situation with Zoe that required, three or four diapers by the time it was done.

I have cried more than once this week, thinking that I need to be a better Mother than I am. Ever since I was little, the one thing that I knew for sure that I wanted to be when I grew up was a Mom. I think when you struggle with infertility you put horribly high expectations on yourself. Expectations that are impossible to meet. I am trying very hard to lower the bar for myself but have not succeeded as of yet. I am definitely still a work in progress.


Bill is watching the babies for me downstairs right now and I am off to bed to try and get a little nap in, I am exhausted!!

One Year Ago......

One year ago today was the saddest of my life.

The Dr. called me to tell me that I had miscarried. I had begun to spot on Friday. Never had I imagined that this meant the baby would not survive. It was never even a thought for a second in my mind. This is why the call was absolutely devastating.

I remember getting up from my desk, absolutely sobbing. I left work for the day with not much conversation with anyone as I left. I didn't call Bill, deciding till he got home to tell him. I sat there for hours, waiting for him to get home. As soon as I heard the garage door open, I started sobbing again. I met him outside to tell him the news. I will never forget the sad look that came across his face. I felt like I had failed him in such a significant way. I know he never felt that way, but I did. Truthfully, sometimes I still do.

I remember this overwhelming sense of sadness. It was the kind of sadness I had never felt before. The kind of sadness that feels like you fell in a hole. I remember crying non stop for a month.

It is unreal to me to be sitting here right now on this sad anniversary watching these two wonderful babies sleep. If anyone had told me a year ago, I would have told them they were crazy. I was sure on that dark day that our one chance at a family had died too.

Life really does surprise us in the most spectacular ways.

I am Sorry that I am Sorry, Really I am.....

So, I have this incurable condition. I apologize all the time. For stuff I did, for stuff I didn't do, for stuff I might do in the future, for things you did. You get the idea. I have always been like this, yet, I still do it.

My Mother just informed me that I am doing it with the babies now, and it needs to stop pronto. It is a struggle. I wanted these babies for so long. Now when I do things that upset them, I apologize. I change their clothes, I apologize; change their diaper, I apologize; give them a bath, I apologize. Listen, if they are upset; I am upset.

I am sorry, really I am.......

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I started this blog to document my journey of trying to get pregnant after my miscarriage last year.

I have gotten so much support from so many wonderful ladies. Ladies, who like me, were struggling with the ability to become and or stay pregnant. I know that after my miscarriage seeing or talking with other women who were pregnant or who had just had babies was incredibly difficult for me.

The last few days I have been struggling with what I should do with this blog. Is it okay if I transition this blog to be about my life with the babies or should I start a new blog?

Little Boys-Oh the Mystery that Is....

Okay. So everyone in my family has been girls. I am one of three girls, and my sister had two girls.

I have changed many a diaper in my day, and dangerous it never was. Until now. I swear Zach pees on me a minimum of three times a day. We go through at least three changing table covers, and four outfits. Those would be his outfits not mine. This little boy can shoot three feet across the room and his aim is supreme. My Mother did daycare and she swears she never saw a boy such as mine.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me? Anyone.......

Tired....

I think the last few weeks is catching up with me. I am so exhausted today it is hard to function.

I have to say I am very lucky. I have a large extended family that has been coming over as much as I need to help in anyway they can. They have been helping us get organized, cooking dinners, feeding babies, etc. I have absolutely no idea how parents of twins who do not have this type of extended family do it.

Still, I am tired. Bill and I have decided to bring in a wonderful lady one night a week. She will take care of the babies so that we can get one night of uninterrupted sleep. What originally felt like a luxury we could probably do without; definitely feels like a necessity today. Luckily, tonight is her first night.

Like so many other things in my life this has definitely fallen into place at exactly the moment when I needed it most. Looking forward to bedtime tonight!!

Adjusting

So many changes when you bring one,let alone two babies homes from the hospital.

Ever since I was little, I knew that I would be a Mom someday. My dreams for myself would come and go, but the one constant was that I would be a Mom. As I started approaching 40, I began to think that I would have to let the dream go. Somewhere deep down, I just kept praying for the family that I always had pictured.

Everything started falling into place right after I turned 39. I met Bill, we were engaged within 6 months, and married a year later. We started trying to get pregnant not long after we were engaged. Nothing happened. Apparantly, I had been faithfully taking birth control pills for a decade for naught.

Last July, after a year of trying; we finally were pregnant. I don't ever remember being happier. A week later, I was heartbroken to find out that I had miscarried. I felt that sadness deeper than any in my life, so much so, that is was difficult to emerge from it. Finally, I did; and we made the decision to try IVF once. My prayers have been answered and we are blessed with not one baby but two.

I would be a liar if I said that the hormone free fall after childbirth wasn't an issue. It is. I trend towards being an emotional person to begin with, so this is a struggle.

The adjustment period for our family has been a little longer than I anticipated. I feel like we are just now finally hitting our stride and we will be able to establish a schedule for ourselves.

Bill had never really been around babies before; I worry that the adjustment period may be harder on him than it is on me. I know that he loves these babies with all of his heart and is a wonderful father to them. I do worry though that this dream that I thought was ours was really just mine. I worry that I just plowed full steam ahead, like I always do. I worry that he was just trying to make me happy, like he always does.

Already, it is impossible to remember our life before these babies. Right from the minute they were born I was struck by how vastly different their personalities were. Zoe is quiet, sweet, happy, and I think will be very silly. Zach is determined to be heard, sweet, happy, and I think will be quite serious.

The one thing that I know for sure is that we are quite lucky to have been chosen to be the parents of these wonderful babies. I know that we are just starting an amazing journey together and I, for one, cannot wait to see where we end up.

We are Home!!

Okay, we have been home since the 11th but my life has been a whirlwind!

We checked into the hospital at 5:30 am on the 8th for a scheduled 7:30 C Section. We were bumped from the schedule twice so I wasn't taken back until 9:30. Of course, I can't complain the other procedures were emergencies and luckily mine was not.

I have to say that the spinal that I was so nervous about was about as bad as I was picturing it. I kept having shooting pains so they had to reinsert the needle a few times. Not fun! Once it kicked in I got a little nervous because you literally cannot feel yourself breathing even though you are. This freaked me out and things were a little touch and go for a few minutes until I could calm down.

Finally, they were able to bring Bill into the room for the surgery to begin. I felt so much calmer once he was there with me. The procedure itself was not bad and Zach was out before I knew it. Zoe literally tried to jump out behind him which is why they were both born at 10:29. Zoe was 6 lbs 2 oz and Zach was 5 lb 12 oz.

The babies are perfect no health issues at all and we all went home together 3 days later. All the nurses at the hospital kept telling us how amazing that was.

We are all still adjusting to each other but they are both wonderful babies. Zoe is one of the calmest babies I have ever run into and Zach is definitely not. I love how distinctly different their personalities are already. It is most definitely the most amazing adventure and I look forward to learning more about them everyday.

We are so happy to finally have our family and feel more blessed than I ever imagined I would be.

Can't Sleep

I know that I am nervous about tomorrow. I have had surgery before but I can honestly say that I have been asleep for every other procedure that I have had. I am sure it will be fine but....

Also, all of a sudden tonight I have this horrific pain all throughout my legs, hips, and groin. It is awful-can barely even walk. I guess they are pulling these babies just in time.

We have to be at the hospital in 4 hours, I better try to get some rest. Wish us luck!

Progress

Well, we went back into the Dr today and I am now 4 cm dilated. They asked if I was having any contractions and I really did not think that I was. This rumor was dispelled when I was on the fetal monitor. Apparently, I am in contraction denial!

Considering that I am now 4 cm and Baby A also known as Zachary is breech we went ahead and scheduled the C Section for bright and early Friday morning. So worst case scenario we will meet these babies on Friday. I am nervous but very excited!

They measured the babies today and it looks like one is 5 lb 9 ounces and the other is 5 lb 13 ounces. I am hoping they are developed enough that no one will need to go to the NICU.

I cannot believe this is really happening!!

We Could be Having Babies This Weekend......

I will be 36 weeks this weekend. A few weeks ago the Dr told me that most women with twins will go into labor by 36 weeks, if not, we would schedule a C Section for week 38.

We went in for our ultrasound today-both babies are looking perfect. Although, we can tell each week that Zoe is going to be our wild child and she will keep us on our toes for sure! Zachary on the other hand was mellow yellow as usual.

We then went in for our Dr appointment. We spoke with the Dr a little bit about what to be looking for in labor and then had my first vaginal exam to see if I was dilated. Guess what, I am 3 cm dilated.

The Dr asked me "Are you sure you haven't been having contractions?". I really don't think I have been. A braxton hicks here or there, sometimes I get what feels like a side stitch but that is it. She told me that I appear to be fairly tough with a high pain tolerance and will need to pay attention to what my body is telling me. Oh great! I really don't want to be the first story on TLC's "I Didn't Know I was in Labor".

Before we left she did tell us that she would not be surprised at all to see us at the hospital this 4th of July weekend. Eeks! We could be getting close after all. I am excited but very nervous as well......

Approaching the Finish Line

We had a our 32 week appointment this morning. The Dr told us that most women will go into labor by 36 weeks and worse case scenario they will induce at 38 weeks. So we are basically looking at just one more month until we bring these babies home!

As crazy as it sounds, we are not ready! So, I have got to move things into overdrive now to finish up that nursery. We need mattresses, car seats, changing table, etc.

I am definitely excited, so this is a good stress. Wish me luck as I begin this process of wrapping things up!

30 Weeks and All is Well.....

Everything is going so fast. I can't believe that we are already at the 30 week mark.

I am still working and there has still been no talk of putting me on bed rest yet. Keeping my fingers crossed! I am definitely not spry by any stretch of the imagination but I am plowing right along. My hope is to work up until the very last second so that the majority of my time off will be spent with babies and not Dr. Phil:-D

In our ultrasound a few weeks ago the ultrasound technician noted that the little girls head was just a tad smaller than the little boys head. She said it probably wasn't anything to worry about and the Dr said the same. Of course, the next few days I spent googling and worrying a lot. I am still a little worried but am trying to remain very positive until our next ultrasound in 2 weeks.

The nursery is coming along nicely. We have one Winnie the Pooh mural done and the other should be completed this week. My plan is to post pictures next weekend.

Even though I am uncomfortable and very tired; I know that I have nothing to complain about and try very hard not to. I am feeling very lucky and can't believe how close we are getting to bringing those babies home. I can't wait!

A Tale of Two Mother's Days

Technically, this is my very first Mother's Day.

As of this morning I am exactly 7 months along. I have to say that I never thought that this day would come. My dream for so many years was to have a baby. The fact that this is actually happening and that we are going to have not one but two children at the end of this is surreal.

My husband put together both the double stroller and one of the cribs tonight. It is amazing to be to the point where we are actually doing this. Up until this point, it has been real but not real if that makes any sense.

Bill is doing much better. He has recovered from his first surgery and had another since I last posted. Yes, I am a horrible blogger! Luckily, all of the tests ended up coming back normal so we are happy to be putting that chapter behind us now.

We have been having family drama over that last few weeks. I won't bore you with all of the details but his Mother who has never been a fan of me got very angry during his first hospital stay. She actually ended up calling me to yell at me and ended up screaming at the top of her lungs at my poor husband and hanging up on him. Not long after that phone call, his blood pressure plummeted and he almost passed out.

My husband who is absolutely the sweetest person I have ever known had not heard from her since. She had shown no concern for his health at all. Being the person that he is he sent her a beautiful Mother's Day edible arrangement. When he texted her today to see if she got it. He just got a nasty response and he found out that she actually had refused his gift. Can you imagine?

My Mother in Law is the type of person that seems to work very hard at pushing everyone out of her life but on the other hand is quite angry that she is alone. She has said on many occasions that her children are ungrateful and that she feels that they owe her.

As someone who has wanted to be a Mother for so long this behavior astounds me. I look at our babies as such an amazing blessing. I was lucky to be raised by an amazing Mother who shows me and now Bill such love and compassion everyday.

The stark comparison to my Mother in Law is beneficial as well. It will help me remember in the years to come what we had to go through to have these babies. It will help me to remember how my Mom raised me and to strive to be half the Mom that she is. It will help me to remember that being a Mom is the most important thing that I will ever do. It will help me to never forget the love that I feel right now as we anxiously await their arrival. The love that feels so large right now; that in a few years will be tiny by comparison.

I end today wishing a very Happy Mother's day to all the women out their who are currently raising their children; the women that are currently pregnant with their children; and especially to those out their that are still striving and searching for their own path to motherhood.

Happy Mother's Day to all of us!!

No Sleep for Me Tonight

It has been a rough day. My husband went in for outpatient surgery this morning and ended up getting admitted to the hospital. I actually have never spent a night in our house without him and I am missing him so much. Currently, trying not to cry but failing miserably.

Need lots of prayers that I can bring him home tomorrow.

24 Weeks

We went in today for our 24 week checkup and everything looks great! Our little girl was kicking the crap out of the little boy. Alas, it starts already....

I was disappointed to find out that I will need to do the glucola test again. I thought I only had to do it once, but twice it is. I hope I pass it again, so I can be done with this already.

We have the base coat down in the nursery and it looks great. We just need to get the mural painted and we will be well on our way! I will post pictures once it is all done. I am so excited to be at this point. It is going so fast......

Today is Going to be a Tough One

We were so happy when we found out that we were pregnant back in July. Had I not miscarried ; today would have been when I was due to deliver that baby. I know that she wasn't strong enough but still she is missed. Losing her was the most painful and heartbreaking event of my life. I must have cried non stop for a month. The pain was still there long after the tears had stopped. We are so excited about the twins coming but it is hard. I don't want to forget my first baby just because two more are on the way. She will be in my heart and on my mind all day today.

Weird Pregnancy Effects

I don't know if you call this a pregnancy effect or a pregnancy symptom. I basically can't feel my right hand. That probably sounds a little more dramatic than it needs to be. It is like my hand has fallen asleep; 24/7. It is driving me crazy! I have never heard of this from anyone else. Is this normal, or is it me and not my pregnancy that is weird?

These Babies Are Moving!!

This week has been a pretty amazing one. I have really begun to feel these babies moving around and it is the coolest thing.

Before my ultrasound last week, I was a little worried something was wrong because I hadn't felt anything yet. Boy, on Thursday that all changed. I swear they both did a complete 360 degree turn at the same time. Weird but amazing feeling!

I am going to enjoy this right now because I am sure in the not too distant future these babies are going to be beating me up real good!

We have a.......

We are so excited right now, it's a boy and ........ a girl. Isn't that amazing? The ultrasound tech said " You can be done!"

Everything looked good, no problems at all. They couldn't get a good look at the girl's face because she was sleeping on her stomach. Which is funny, this was my previous sleeping position before the babies nixed it!

I will get an ultrasound every month now, so they should be able to get what they need on a future visit.

Right now, everything is full steam ahead with nothing to worry about. Until of course, I create something in my head to worry about. Stop it........

Anatomy Scan Today

We leave in about an hour for our anatomy scan. I am nervous but excited also. Keep your fingers crossed for 2 healthy babies!!

Misunderstandings, Miscommunications, and other Misses

Struggling tonight.

Sometimes in a relationship whether it be with friends, family or a significant other it is hard not to judge yourself. Conversations can grow wildly out of control and become completely different entities than they were ever intended to be.

I sit here contemplating whether it is really worth it. It seems like such a bother. I could just be quiet. Not say a word about how I am feeling; and live in ignorant bliss. Maybe being true to yourself is overrated.

Then again, maybe it isn't.

Glucose Screening Take 2!!

Well, tomorrow is the big day. I have to go back in to try and take the test one more time! I have been pretty sick all week so I am hoping for the best. I am going to get up, take my anti nausea pill, have a little something to eat and go for it! Wish me luck:-D

Other than that, things have been going pretty good. Getting pretty excited about the anatomy scan next week. I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything is still okay with the babies. I still worry so much; but I am fairly certain I will worry about them in one way or another for the rest of my life.

I have been looking at baby stuff but still have not been able to pull the trigger and buy anything. I think we are going to order the cribs tonight though. Big move! Making this first purchase has been a hard move for me to make. Important move though. Weird, I know. We just want these babies so much that the thought of something going terribly wrong and having a nursery in the house scare me to death.

However, it is time to stop avoiding...

Bad, Bad Blogger

I have not been very good lately about writing. I am a bad, bad blogger.

Things have been going pretty well lately. The anxiety with this pregnancy has pretty much gone by the wayside, with a brief occurrence here and there.

I did go in last week to do my gestational diabetes test. I think I had to do it early because I am officially considered high risk. I was so mad! I drank all of that horrible junk and guess what 2 seconds later it all came back to me. Gross! Now, I have to take the test again in a few weeks. When the receptionist told me, I said "Good luck with all that! Well, I guess we have 5 months to try and get it done!"

The Dr said part of the problem probably was me drinking it on an empty stomach. Truthfully, I was afraid if I ate it would mess with the results and I would have to do the 3 hour. I guess, I will try again in a couple of weeks and keep my fingers crossed the long version is not in my future.

We were not supposed to have an ultrasound at this appointment; but they were only able to find one baby's heartbeat with the doppler. A little scary for sure. They did give us an ultrasound and both babies are looking great! Heartbeats still around 160 for both and they weighed 5 and 4 ounces. Can't wait for the anatomy scan in 3 weeks!

My husband and I were able to go and look, just look at baby stuff last weekend. It was a lot of fun, to start thinking about what we need to get for their nursery. I am not quite ready to make purchases, but I am ready to start researching to see what has the highest safety ratings! Yes, I am a big stinking planner. Probably one of the reasons infertility was so hard on me.

I still have a pregnancy journal and a baby journal in my drawer that remain unwritten in. This is a struggle. I actually bought them the day I was having my miscarriage in July completely unaware of what was to come. We put them away to save for a happier time. Well here I am; and I find myself unable to pull them out.

It upsets me that I haven't been able to write in these journals. I am excited about these babies and I absolutely want them to know someday how much they were anticipated, wanted, and loved.

I know logically that I am through the rough patch. More likely than not, these babies will be okay. There is something about taking those journals out and writing in them that scares me a little. This is weird, I know it is. For lack of a better word, I am afraid writing will jinx something. Is it a superstition if it only affects me? The whole thing is weird, I know; and probably a little crazy too!

I am afraid that as always my Mother is right. She keeps telling me that I am doing too much, and I need to respect my pregnancy more and not fight it so much. As usual, today I tried to cram an entire weekend into one day and it exhausted me. Tomorrow, my plan is stay home and relax all day.

I am going to try my best to take those journals out tomorrow. I am going to take the cap of the pen and throw caution to the wind and just write. In every other aspect of my life, I have been able to push through what scares me and I will find a way to do just that in this instance as well!

Probably.

Working on Perceptions

I think we all do it in one form or another. Every wish, every dream that we have for ourselves comes with some idealized preconceived notion. You know, when you were young and you fantasized about being an adult. Did you picture yourself as fabulous? What did it look like? Maybe no stress, nobody telling you what to do, a sports car and a big house? Me too.

I always pictured myself being married to a wonderful man, which I absolutely am. However, with that picture, of course, there were children. The children part was not as easy as I pictured it. A miscarriage, and amazingly 1 IVF treatment later we find ourselves pregnant with twins. I am almost 4 months pregnant and thrilled.

This is where my preconceived notions come back into play. I had an amazing childhood and as a result I have always pictured myself being the same type of Mother that I had. Even though I have worked in the corporate world for 20 years, I have always imagined that I would be a stay at home Mom.

I always imagined that I would not miss a thing. I would see it when they would first crawl, I would be there for their first words, their first steps, all of it. As they grew older, I imagined that I would be there when they got home from school just as my Mother had been for me. I remember vividly how many horrible days somehow got at least a little better by that quiet time in the afternoon when I would tell her about school that day. As a result of how I was raised and who my Mother was, to this day my Mother is one of my best friends.

My husband and I have had many talks this week about our future and the future of our family. We have come to the conclusion that being a stay at home Mom will just not be in the cards for me. I would be a liar if I said this did not break my heart. It just does.

How many of these things that I have pictured will someone else see? Will someone else be there for there first words and I will just hear about it after the fact? I hope not, but rationally I know this will be the case for many things.

I know that most women have to or choose to work after they have children. I guess I am just struggling because this is the complete opposite of how I wanted to raise children. I am sure that there are women out there that are having the opposite struggle; they want to go back to work, but the cost of child care does not allow it.

I am still absolutely thrilled about having twins, and raising them with the most amazing man on the planet. I am just working on my perceptions of what it means to be a good Mother.

A complete overhaul is in order. I just need a few days, to put it all back into focus and work on what I will need to do to make this new version of family life work for us.

All I have ever wanted was to be a good Mother. Whether it is the stay at home version that was my dream or the working version that is my reality, I will be a good Mother.

12 Weeks and You Must Chill!!

I have always been a thinker, a planner, and a worrier. Thinking is cool, planning is better, the worrying now that is an issue!

We went in for our NT scan today and everything looked great. Both babies had a heart rate of 159. At this first glance, nothing appeared to jump out to indicate down syndrome; which is great. I would really really prefer to skip the Amnio if I can get away with it.

We saw the babies again and they look great. Wiggling around like crazy, you would too, if somebody kept poking you like that!

I have decided that I need to chill and just enjoy where I am right now with this pregnancy. I feel really good after the ultrasound today, and we are at 12 weeks. I am just going to put the worrying on the back burner until there is officially something to worry about. That is my story and I am sticking to it!

Next Dr appointment in 4 weeks..........

What a Terrible Dream

I am going to warn you this dream is just awful; but it has woken me up the last few nights.

In the dream Bill and I go in for our NT scan. To us, everything looks fine and we are thrilled as we always are when we see the twins. The Dr then informs us that one of the babies heart has stopped somewhere along the line. This is the point where I wake up.

What is going on? I know that I am just worried about the scan on Tuesday. Maybe even a little more worried than I was willing to admit. This is ridiculous though. I think my subconscious and I need to have a little chat. Ney Ney on the Nightmares about the Bebe's-K?

Going to try and go back for a little nightmare free rest-I hope........

I am Graduated!!

I went in this morning for my last blood draw at the RE office. They just called and said that everything looks perfect! I will start to come off some of my medication on Saturday when I hit the 12 week mark.

I am kind of sad though. Everyone at the RE office is so nice I will miss going in there to see them every week. I do really like my OB also. It's just a different level of care between the two offices.

The next big hurdle is next Tuesday. We have out NT scan scheduled for that day. I am a little nervous about this one so keep your fingers crossed for us!

Pregnancy Brain

I had my first confirmed case of pregnancy brain yesterday.

Yesterday morning we had our first appointment with my regular OB. I had just been in two months ago for an appointment right before we started IVF. It was so nice to see how happy my Dr was to see us back so soon! We went ahead scheduled the NT scan for the 18th. I am hoping that turns out okay because the thought of an amnio scares me to death. Anything that has a possible risk of miscarriage feels extreme to me.

I went to work and had a fairly non eventful day. All day long I was looking forward to my massage last night. I left work and got stuck in rush hour traffic, which is pretty typical. Stopped at the store to pick up a mega millions ticket. I had to do it! The line was so long it felt like a 30 minute wait but I know it was probably just 10. Went home and crashed on the couch.

My phone rings, and my heart drops, it is my massage therapist. My massage that I was so excited about all day. Yep I forgot to go to it! Pregnancy Brain! Thankfully, she was so sweet about it and rescheduled me for tonight. I am certain that Pregnancy Brain cannot strike two nights in a row....