I think we all do it in one form or another. Every wish, every dream that we have for ourselves comes with some idealized preconceived notion. You know, when you were young and you fantasized about being an adult. Did you picture yourself as fabulous? What did it look like? Maybe no stress, nobody telling you what to do, a sports car and a big house? Me too.
I always pictured myself being married to a wonderful man, which I absolutely am. However, with that picture, of course, there were children. The children part was not as easy as I pictured it. A miscarriage, and amazingly 1 IVF treatment later we find ourselves pregnant with twins. I am almost 4 months pregnant and thrilled.
This is where my preconceived notions come back into play. I had an amazing childhood and as a result I have always pictured myself being the same type of Mother that I had. Even though I have worked in the corporate world for 20 years, I have always imagined that I would be a stay at home Mom.
I always imagined that I would not miss a thing. I would see it when they would first crawl, I would be there for their first words, their first steps, all of it. As they grew older, I imagined that I would be there when they got home from school just as my Mother had been for me. I remember vividly how many horrible days somehow got at least a little better by that quiet time in the afternoon when I would tell her about school that day. As a result of how I was raised and who my Mother was, to this day my Mother is one of my best friends.
My husband and I have had many talks this week about our future and the future of our family. We have come to the conclusion that being a stay at home Mom will just not be in the cards for me. I would be a liar if I said this did not break my heart. It just does.
How many of these things that I have pictured will someone else see? Will someone else be there for there first words and I will just hear about it after the fact? I hope not, but rationally I know this will be the case for many things.
I know that most women have to or choose to work after they have children. I guess I am just struggling because this is the complete opposite of how I wanted to raise children. I am sure that there are women out there that are having the opposite struggle; they want to go back to work, but the cost of child care does not allow it.
I am still absolutely thrilled about having twins, and raising them with the most amazing man on the planet. I am just working on my perceptions of what it means to be a good Mother.
A complete overhaul is in order. I just need a few days, to put it all back into focus and work on what I will need to do to make this new version of family life work for us.
All I have ever wanted was to be a good Mother. Whether it is the stay at home version that was my dream or the working version that is my reality, I will be a good Mother.