Happy New Year!!

I have to say that 2010 has definitely been a mixed bag but mostly I think it was a good year.

• We started out the year officially trying to get pregnant.
• We made the decision to see the RE in May.
• Had the best day of my life in June when Bill and I got married!
• Found the infertility to be mostly age related.
• Made the decision to give IVF a try in August and amazingly found out we were pregnant.
• Two weeks later had the worst day of my life when the Dr called to let me know the we had miscarried.
• Great day again when I flew an airplane for my birthday!
• Even though still struggling we decided to give IVF a whirl in November.
• Amazing days when we found out we were pregnant again and the subsequent ultrasounds showing both babies with heartbeats, growing, and moving around like marathon runners.

2010 absolutely has been the happiest and the saddest for me. I would never let myself say that it was a bad year because of the struggles we had. Too many amazing things occurred as well. I am embracing all of 2010. The horrible sadness that came from losing our first baby and the amazing high of seeing the twins. Of course, I worry everyday and I pray that they will continue to grow and that they will be healthy.

I have high hopes for 2011 and cannot wait to see what the New Year brings us. Good and bad 2010 was a whirlwind. I am excited to see what you have in store 2011-BRING IT ON!!

Wishing you all the best-Happy New Year!

9 Weeks and 3 Days

We went in for our second ultrasound today and I was worried. I kept having this fear that one or both of the babies had stopped growing or their hearts had stopped beating. I haven't had any more spotting lately but I was still concerned.

The babies are both doing great!! One measures 9 weeks and 4 days while the other one measures 9 weeks and 3 days. Their heart rates were right where they should be as well I think one was 165 whiles the other was 178.

I really am starting to feel like it will be okay to just settle in a little bit and just enjoy this whole pregnancy thing. We are definitely taking things slowly and not getting too ahead of ourselves yet. That being said, I am over the moon right now. I cannot believe this is actually happening. Fingers crossed, it looks like our dreams of a family actually is coming true....

Merry Christmas

It has been super busy this week! Lots of running around-but I am finally done. We will go to my Mom's house for dinner tonight and my sister's house for Christmas tomorrow.

I have been thinking a lot over the past few days how different this Christmas will be from next (hopefully). This will be our last Christmas with just Bill and I. I am really trying to take it all in and really appreciate this time that we have together.

This time next year, we will have two babies crawling around trying to plot their great escape to get to the tree! I know that it will be stressful but amazing. As much as I am loving this Christmas the thought of next year makes me smile from ear to ear as well.

We have so much to be thankful for and have already received so much we don't even need any other gifts under the tree. Hoping that everyone has a happy weekend, with much love, laughter and family. Merry Christmas!!

ICLW Already?

I can't believe that another month has passed. Last ICLW we had just gone through our very first IVF and were waiting to find out if we were pregnant.

Well, happily we are 8 weeks along and are expecting twins. What a difference a month makes. I am cautiously excited! We have been pregnant once before and that ended in miscarriage at 6 weeks.

Things have been going great this time though. Just saw the heartbeats last week which was amazing! Ultrasound #2 is scheduled for next Tuesday; we can't wait! I think when we go back and see that there has been progress and the heartbeats are still there it will help me be a little more at ease that everything is going to be okay this time. Well, that is what I say now anyway....

Happy ICLW and thanks for stopping by!!

8 Weeks Pregnant-A Miracle

Today we are 8 weeks pregnant; and I still feel like it is an absolute miracle. The spotting has completely stopped again . Actually kind of funny, as soon as we had the ultrasound and saw that everything was okay-spotting stopped. Fingers crossed, but I have a feeling that it will pop back up periodically just to keep me in line!

The last couple days have been kind of rough though. I just have sporadic nausea and headaches. Truthfully, I think that I have not adjusted my eating well enough yet and that is what is causing it. As soon as I eat, most times I start to feel much better.

We saw a nutritionist a few weeks back to try and make sure my eating is on track for the pregnancy. She said that for one baby you just eat 300 calories more so it really is a pretty insignificant change. She was pretty clear, no you are not eating for two! We go back to see her again the first week in January. I want to be sure that I am adjusting correctly for twins not over correcting. I need to be more careful than most when it comes to the eating. Let's face it, I am not what they would call petite to begin with!

Just excited right now and still a little nervous. Miscarriage is always in the back of mind, a little less this week, and hopefully even a little less than that next week...

Twins-Are You Kidding Me?

What an amazing day today has been. I was spotting most of the afternoon yesterday and crying most of the night last night. Although I was trying so hard to remain positive I really was trying to prepare myself for the worst today.

When we went in for our Ultrasound at first I thought it looked empty again-just like before. My heart sank. The ultrasound technician then told us "Well, we have two in there." They both have very strong heartbeats and are the size they should be. Bill and I could not believe it. I cried a little again but this time a very happy cry.

This is absolutely the closest thing to a Christmas miracle I have ever experienced. I know we are not out of the woods but this is an amazing start.

I have to try and find a way to remove the smile from my face or at least tone it down. I kind of look like the joker right now and that is so not a good look...

One More Day!

So I was spotting again yesterday. Goodness gracious, knock it off already!

We go in for our ultrasound tomorrow morning. We can finally get the answers we have been waiting for. Honestly, even though on the one hand I have a really good feeling about the whole thing; on the other I am terrified there will be no heartbeat. I just want this to work out so badly.

I cannot worry about receiving bad news until I get it. I just don't know what I would do-the last miscarriage was absolutely devastating and I just don't know how I would handle another one right now.

So for now, I will keep picturing a healthy baby, maybe two with amazingly strong heartbeats. I am grateful that this part of the wait will be over one way or the other tomorrow.

Up Early Again

Courtesy of Google Images

So funny, the last few years I have definitely been someone who wakes up early. Not true, when I was younger! This is even more pronounced the last few weeks. I am pretty exhausted at night and am asleep by 10 at the latest. Like clockwork though, I wake up raring to go between 3 and 4. I don't mind it so much though. I have so much on my mind it is nice to have this quiet time.

I have been having a lot of what I think are regular pregnancy symptoms this week which although not tons of fun; are giving me a certain degree of comfort. I have started to have a lot of nausea this week. Never in the morning though; always at night. I was supposed to go to a dinner for work last night but I was just too sick to go. Most people do not know I am pregnant and it would be pretty embarrassing to have to run out of the restaurant. I have also been having some pretty severe muscle pain. The Dr's office has told me that it is round ligament pain and is nothing to worry about. Knowing that, I just kind of roll with it. I just need to get out of bed very slowly, if I stand up to fast-wow! I do find myself wondering if the early onset of this symptom could be a sign of twins.....

I have been taking it very easy this week and the spotting has subsided. I think they may have been right and I may have been pushing myself too hard. When you are so used to being on the go all the time it is harder than you would think to pull back . I think this is something that I will struggle with god willing all through this pregnancy.


Only 3 more days till our first ultrasound. I am nervous and excited. I do have a really good feeling about it though. As cautious as I try to be, I just know there will be a heartbeat on Tuesday, I just know it.

So Frustrated!

I am still spotting, not as much, but still spotting. This of course has me very nervous and I am trying my best to remain positive.

Today, I finally called the Dr's office to see if we could move my ultrasound up to Thursday or Friday of this week instead of next Tuesday. I was just not looking forward to spending another weekend worrying about this.

They refused. Just flat out told me that they wouldn't do an ultrasound before 7 weeks. Basically, it might be too soon to hear or see the heartbeat and they wouldn't want me getting upset if I didn't need too. Valid point, I suppose. But another valid point; I am upset now!

Oyy! So whether I like it or not I have to wait an entire week to find out if everything is okay or not. So I will take a deep breath, say a big prayer, and keep hoping for the best!

6 Weeks Today-So Now I Am Spotting

So this is the big week for us. Last time we were pregnant I had a miscarriage in between weeks 6 and 7. I knew that when I hit this week of course I would be excited-but also scared.

Everything started out fine this morning. We were decorating our Christmas tree this afternoon and I just started feeling a little weird. Almost like I could pass out but not; if that makes sense. Next time I went to the bathroom, there it was. The tiniest bit, but brown spotting. I just cried.

We called the Dr's office and they told us the usual, spotting is normal in the first trimester, could be the crinone, nothing to worry about, etc. They told me to only start worrying if I were to start saturating a pad every hour with bright red blood.

Maybe this would be a different conversation with someone who had not had a miscarriage before. This is what I know from my experience; a miscarriage does start with brown spotting, brown spotting is something to worry about and is not normal, bright red blood saturating a pad every hour is a full blown miscarriage.

Maybe I have not been taking it as easy as I should be. I am usually just a go go go type of person. I am going to lay down for the rest of the day and pray like I have never prayed before.

I just don't know what we will do if this is happening again. Please do not let this be happening again.....

Beta #3

Even though the nurses told me that they thought everything was fine and that I shouldn't worry. I was worried. I was still having pain and I was starting to get really concerned.

I went in this morning to have them redo the blood work to see if anything looked like it could be a problem. They just called and said there is nothing in the blood work that concerns them at all. In fact, my beta is now 8455. I can't believe it! I am really excited now!!

I know that we are definitely not out of the woods but this is really a positive sign to me. I really think I will just be able to relax now until we have our Ultrasound in 2 weeks.

All is Well-I Think

So I talked to the Dr's office yesterday and they told me that they were not worried at all about what is going on with me right now. All completely normal. This is a big relief-kind of.

When you have gone through a miscarriage I think it kind of alters the experience a little. It seems to me that I am super sensitive to every little twinge or pain. I need to just try and put those worries behind me for now and just try and really enjoy this experience. It is amazing to me that we are pregnant right now. What a miracle! I still cannot believe it.

I am going to try and not worry so much and just enjoy this until the 14th when we have our first ultrasound. Maybe easier said then done-but I am going to give it my all.

Sometimes Google is not our Friend.

So last night I was laughing and had some pretty extreme pain in my lower abdominal area. It is still fairly sore this morning when I move around or press in that region. As someone who has had a miscarriage before; of course, I am terrified. No spotting or bleeding, but terrified just the same. Oh and also I am a lunatic.

What would a lunatic do when faced with this situation? Of course they would start clickity clacking on the keyboard to see what Dr Google has to say. Well now, I am worried that Dr Google has diagnosed me with an ectopic pregnancy. Could also be round ligament pain but never mind that!

Goodness gracious! Sometimes I think we were better off when we did not have so much information readily available to us. Less to worry about until we had to worry about it-if that makes sense.

So I am going to pray a lot, try and remain calm, and call the Dr's office when they open in a few hours.

It's A Miracle!!

I am just about bouncing off of the walls right now. Finally got our results back. Beta #1 on Monday was 145 and beta #2 today was 361. We are definitely pregnant!! The estimated due date is July 31, 2011. I can't believe this worked what an amazing Thanksgiving gift.

We go in for our first Ultrasound on December 12th. Hopefully we will see or hear the heartbeat on that day. Having had a miscarriage before I think I will be cautiously optimistic for awhile but this is definitely one of the happiest days of my life.

Wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!!

This is Ridiculous!

So my husband finally gets a call back. Get this one. Oh no, it was too early for a beta yesterday we actually were supposed to wait until Thanksgiving for that. They are embarrassed that their paperwork was wrong and also that no one bothered to call us. They are cautiously optimistic that I am pregnant. Not sure what to do with that tidbit of information.

I am so irritated right now. I just had to hold on until yesterday; now I have to wait two more days. Of course, that is assuming we will in fact get a call back this time. I know two days shouldn't be that big of a deal but it really is.

Need to meditate or something. Serenity Now!!

Still Waiting.......

Oh my gosh, this is driving me crazy! We left a message 90 minutes ago and still have not heard back. This is torture. Just tell me already are we pregnant or not????

Okay, deep breath..........

Oh Mylanta

Goodness gracious! As if today has not been stressful enough it appears my Dr's office is not going to call today with the results. I know that they return calls until 5:30 and it is about 10 past now.

When I went in for blood work this morning the nurse did tell me that the spotting wasn't necessarily bad. So that part is hopeful, although I was told the same thing about the spotting with what turned into my miscarriage in August as well.

So now this rollercoaster ride continues until tomorrow. I really thought I would have an answer today. Stay tuned........

Well, Crap

I go in for my beta this morning and last night I started getting very light pink spotting.

I am hoping with everything that I have that this means nothing. I am afraid that my period is starting. As if this day wasn't going to be long enough, throwing this in does not help a thing.

I won't lie, I cried last night. A cry that I haven't seen since my miscarriage back in August. I am going to try my best though to keep my thoughts positive today.

Need all the prayers I can get that IVF #1 is not a bust.

Insomnia Again?

Image Courtesy of Google Images

I used to sleep like a log. I had this weird thing where I would fall asleep until my head hit the pillow until the alarm went off the next morning. I used to joke with people that I had narcolepsy. For some reason, ever since my miscarriage I cannot sleep through the night. This is even more true since starting IVF.

I am not sure if the arsenal of medications that you take to try and support a pregnancy are adding to my insomnia. Probably not. My mind is racing. There is so much involved physically, financially, and emotionally to pursue IVF. Bill and I both want this to work in the worst way. To know that in one day, we will find out if by some miracle we will be the lucky couple who gets pregnant on their first cycle. I have done enough research and follow enough blogs to know that is not typical. Especially not typical for someone my age.

I am afraid the next 24 hours will be one of the longest in my lifetime. I know one thing for sure, right or wrong we will have an answer shortly and that is a good thing!

I am a big believer in working hard to maintain a positive attitude though. Believe me, many times throughout this process that has been hard work. So, I am going to take me, the twins, and my positive attitude back to bed and try and get a little sleep.

Wish us luck!

I Will Not do It!

So, right from the very beginning I told my self that I absolutely would not take a home pregnancy test. We had to do the HCG booster shots and I am certain that a false positive only to find out we are not pregnant would be too much to take.

I have to be honest, the wait is really starting to get to me. I still have in my possession a Costco type arsenal of home pregnancy tests in my bathroom. Yesterday, I could feel my will wavering as I approached the bathroom. I even took a test out and started to open it up. It would have been so easy! Alas, reason prevailed and I put the package back in the cabinet.

Am I like an addict? Why do I still have pregnancy tests there-screaming my name? Am I glutton for punishment? Am I overly dramatic-yes on that count!! We went to dinner with my family last night and they have threatened to confiscate the contraband if I do not behave.

There was a woman leaving the Dr's office this morning crying. It was so sad, I don't know her story at all but it really touched me. We all have similar, yet different stories; but the pain is the same.

Here is where things stand, blood work this morning and blood work on Monday. They should have the results Monday afternoon and I will know one way or another. My resolve is strong! I will not POAS this weekend, I will not POAS this weekend!!

I will keep my thoughts positive and just keep visualizing that little baby or two that hopefully will be home with us this time next year.....

Exhausted!!

Today, I am so tired it is ridiculous. You know when I was pregnant last time I was so exhausted that it was hard to function. Yes, I was only pregnant for about two weeks but I really was tired. Really! You need to believe me!!

So, I have decided that this is a good sign and I am in fact now pregnant. No one can tell me any different until next Monday. Five long days from now......

I am Fairly Certain that I am Crazy!

Courtesy of Google Images

I swear that every twinge that I feel right now is implantation pain. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I definitely feel like I am going a little nuts. I have been on bed rest for three days and am probably going a little stir crazy at this point.

When I was pregnant the last time, I did in retrospect have implantation pain and bleeding. These twinges are messing with me though. Am I really feeling them or do I just want to be feeling them? Was that a twitch? Maybe now. Okay, that was one for sure! I had my five day embryo transfer on Friday so I could be feeling them. Or, I could not. See what I mean crazy!

How am I going to make it to the 22nd; which is when we will find out if this worked or not? If this is where I am two days in what will I be like in a week. Scary!

I think going back to work tomorrow will be a good thing, a very good thing.

The Twins Are In

For someone that has no experience with any of this, I think yesterday went really well. I woke up excited and nervous about the whole process.

We had to arrive an hour before the procedure to allow for the acupuncture. This meant I needed to start my water guzzling a little early. You need to drink 32 ozs. of water before the procedure. After my acupuncture we waited for the embryologists to come and get us. By this time, I was miserable. My bladder was so ridiculously full that I was in pain, I thought I would cry. To top it all off, they were running a little late. NO!

The embryologist came to talk to us. She brought us pictures of all 5 embryos. She explained to us that 2 were no longer viable, 1 we would be able to freeze, and 2 were perfect for transfer today. Of the 2, one looks like a big rock star. To me, it looks like a boy and a girl. My Mother told me last night that she thinks that the big one will split into two and we will end up with triplets!

They brought us into the procedure room and had me hop up on the ultrasound table. My husband had to put on all the medical garb, hat, shoes, mask. He looked so cute; I loved it! When they looked at me with the ultrasound the Dr told me I got an A+ for filling my bladder. They knew I was so uncomfortable. He explained to us that if your bladder is full it gives them more of a straight shot to the uterus. In that case, my discomfort was definitely worth it.

I have to say that I think the whole process is pretty cool. You can see on the ultrasound screen when the embryos go shooting in. It actually gave me goosebumps. If we end up pregnant, neither Bill or I will forget that feeling or that moment. It was amazing.

The embryologist did tell us that the procedure went amazing well and the embryos ended up exactly where they needed them to be. I just had to lie there for 10 more minutes before I got to go to the restroom. Amen! We had our second round of acupuncture for the day and then we could go home. I am on bed rest for 3 days now.

I realized on the way home that Bill and I got married 5 months ago to the day. It hadn't dawned on me until then. It rained on our wedding day and so many people told us that was good for fertility. Who knows, maybe us having our egg transfer on that particular day is a good omen.

I am going to be praying, praying, praying for the next 10 days. I have a really good feeling about this and am very hopeful that at the end of this we will find ourselves pregnant and then of course stay pregnant.

The twins are in; they just need to stay put now.

We are Finally Here

As of yesterday, there were still five embryo's. Which in itself is pretty amazing to me. I was worried that only one or two would make it until today.

We will need to go into the Conceptions office at 10:45 this morning. We are doing acupuncture before and after the procedure. I figured if we were doing this IVF thing why not go at it with both barrels. I have done so much research I could probably give someone an Egg Transfer next month. Uhhh, maybe not.......

After today's procedure I will need to be on bed rest for three days. I tried to get everything as organized as I could last night so I wouldn't be tempted to be doing things that are on the unapproved list this weekend. The unapproved list is long! I know myself and having to lay for three days is going to be a tough one for me. If I am still for a minute I will come up with something that I need to be doing.

This weekend may be a good thing for me. Force me to get some rest that I have been neglecting for what feels like months. It seems that since my miscarriage back in August I just can't sleep the way that I used to. It is interesting to me, I am not really dreaming about the miscarriage the way I used to. It still affects me in a profound way. Maybe it is the knowledge that I have no control in what will happen in the situation. Maybe it is having experienced that excruciating pain; not just physically, but emotionally. It scares me to death that I might go through it again. Deep down, it is more horrifying to me that I might never be pregnant again.

So, I push all these little fears, these little doubts aside. I know that remaining positive right now is key. I will visualize us with that new baby who will God willing be home with us this time next year.

Are Fertility Reports Always This Exciting?

This is what I found on our bulletin board when I got home from my egg retrieval yesterday. My husband left the sweetest note and it actually made me cry. He has been amazing throughout this entire ordeal.

When we left the Conceptions office yesterday they told us that they would call us at some point today to let us know where we were with the embryos. Some just would not make it.

The majority of my soreness was gone by this morning. So I decided to give going to work a whirl. I figured I am going to have to miss time at the end of the week and IVF generally is hard on a work schedule. I am very lucky though. I have been with my employer for 17 years and they are working with whatever I need to make this happen. One less thing to worry about!!

My phone rang on the way to work and my heart dropped to see that it was the Dr's office calling already. I was sure they were going to tell my "Sorry-your eggs are all expired. Better luck next time." Great news-all 6 eggs were mature and 5 of them have fertilized. They told me that everything looks good and they would call again tomorrow with another report.

I was so excited, you would think that I just won the powerball. The best case scenario I had put in my head was maybe half on the first day. I have never been through this before but I think this is a really great sign. My wish throughout this whole process was that first and foremost there would be embryos to implant on day 5 and that there might be a few left to freeze as a backup plan.

So right now, I am very happy. Trying very hard to remain calm and not get to carried away. It is a long time until Friday and we just have to ride this out.

Egg-static

So the deed is done! I have to say having your egg retrieval date falling on the day that time changes add an additional layer of needless worry. Did they remember that time changed when scheduling? Oyy...chill you must chill....

We went into the Conceptions office this morning for our egg retrieval procedure. I have to admit I was more than a little nervous when the anesthesiologist walked me over to the room where the procedure was done. He put me at ease very easily and started my IV. Funny how quickly it starts to work, almost immediately. I think I was only awake for five seconds after the Dr came in. Next thing I knew, they were waking me up and walking me back across the hall to my husband. Really nothing to it. I am tired and a little sore but nothing like I had imagined it would be. Picturing needles being where you never thought they would be has a tendency to really get you imagination going:D

They were able to retrieve six eggs. Six is my new favorite number! It feels like a good number, I hope that it is. They will call us tomorrow to give us the fertility report.

Now, I go back to bed and we wait.

Exhausted

The plan today was to try and take it easy as much as possible in preparation for our egg retrieval tomorrow. Good luck with all that!

As I sit here and look at the bruises the needles have left all over my body this week; tomorrow's procedure weighs heavily on my mind. Surgery is always a little frightening. I know that at last count there were ten follicles, surely that would not produce ten eggs. Maybe half that? Of that half, how many eggs would be good? Maybe half that? Of that half, how many embryos will be left to implant at five days? Maybe half that?

So many pills, so many injections, so many Doctor's appointments. All of this culminates in the combination of the procedure we will have tomorrow and the one we will hopefully be having five days later.

For some reason, I have not slept well this week. It could be the menopur and the bravelle. It could be the fact that I was born a worrier and these scenarios are running through my brain way too much! All this leaves me feeling a level of exhaustion I have not experienced before. Not just physical exhaustion but emotional exhaustion as well.

This is too important; I cannot go into this surgery run down. I am going to force myself take a deep breath, relax, close my eyes and just picture myself with the baby that I know in my heart of hearts that Bill and I are destined to have.

IVF Trigger Tonight!!

Okay! Patience is a virtue that I do not always have. The Dr's office called this afternoon with the game plan for this weekend. We are going to trigger tonight. This is a big relief to Bill and I.

We are to give me two injections of Ovidrel at 11:30 tonight. Surgery is scheduled at the Conceptions Littleton office for 10:30 Sunday morning.

I am excited and nervous at the same time. It has been such a struggle to get here and we are almost there. Of course, after this procedure we wait five days to hopefully implant the embryos and then wait another two weeks to find out if we are pregnant. Really, this is just a crossroads to the beginning of the next part of our journey.

For some reason, I am starting to have a good feeling about this whole process. I really am starting to feel like maybe, maybe just maybe at the end of this Bill and I will have the beginning of our family.

IVF is a Waiting Game....

One of the things that I struggle the most with is the waiting with IVF. Once you get to this point in the journey, you already feel like you have spent so much time waiting. Anything longer feels intolerable.

On Tuesday, they were sure we would trigger on Thursday, yesterday they were sure we would trigger tonight, today we are not so sure. The good news is I have 10 follicles. The number sure fluctuates a lot!

I know that the name of the game is to get as many follicles as mature as you can. I am such a planner though. This uneasy feeling of not knowing is difficult for me. We actually had used up all of our ganerelix last night so it didn't even occur to me that we might have to go one more day. They were great about it and gave me another day's worth just in case. Although, deep down I am really hoping that we do not need it. Being type A me, I want to get this show on the road already.

My stomach is in knots right now, I just want to know the plan.

I will just take a deep breath, hope for the best, and wait.

Feeling Calm.....

Okay, so it has been a few days since my freak out about the Dr's office. I have noticed that going through this whole IVF process has a tendency to put me on edge at times. Sorry, friends, relatives, and strangers that meet me on the street!

Things are actually looking pretty good right now. According to my ultrasound this morning we have 11 follicles to work with right now. Just two days ago it looked to be only 7. My acupuncturist told me the other day to really go to town with my water consumption to try and plump those eggs up! Depending on how my blood work comes back today we will either do the egg retrieval on Saturday or Sunday. Originally, the earliest it was supposed to be was on Tuesday.

I am actually pretty excited right now. Bill and I both have a really good feeling about IVF.

Either today or tomorrow we say goodbye to Bravelle, Menopur , and Ganerelix and hello to our trigger shot!

Why does it have to be this hard?

I have been working really hard at keeping my thoughts focused on the positive. I have dealt with the sadness that came with our miscarriage, the fact that getting pregnant the "regular" way is not just ever going to be possible for us. Going to acupuncture, and Dr's, and Ultrasounds, and blood work....

You listen to the Dr and try and do what they say. However, when they in turn are not doing what they say they will do it is frustrating, dare I say infuriating. When you start IVF you get a very specific list of instructions. We were told that we would use the same dosage Thursday through Saturday. On Sunday, would be very important that we go all the way down to the office to get an ultrasound and blood work. They would get the results back the same day and they would call us to let us know what our dosage should be and to schedule the same testing for Monday.

Well, I patiently carried that cell phone around all day yesterday. No call. I left a message supposed nurses "hotline" at 5:00 last night. No call. We went ahead with the same dosage we have been doing and hoped for the best. I tried to call the office at 7:30 this morning to see if we could get in for testing today before the 8:00 cutoff. No answer. When I called back to try and speak to someone they told me I would have to leave a message on the "hotline" again. It has now been two hours since that message. No call.

When we chose our clinic I was under the impression that they were one of the best in Colorado. What if I was wrong?

Here we are four days into injecting medications into my system that as we speak are swelling my ovaries. Now, no one will return a call. I know that I have missed one day of testing. I may be giving myself the wrong dosage of medication. I may not even get an appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning. I am horrified.

This is not good, it is not good at all.

Relax. It is going to be okay.

IVF is definitely not for the faint of heart. It requires a lot of commitment. Commitment of time, of money, and lets not forget the emotional commitment. The road that Bill and I have taken, is not easy. Sure, we could have said no children but that was not what felt right for us.

I felt the emotional toll it can take when my husband got home last night. He was at a customers house late, got home a few minutes after we were supposed to do the injections. When he came upstairs I could see the panic in his face. He felt like he had failed me. Of course, this is impossible. This man, who is giving me injections nightly in spite of a fear of needles had not failed me. It absolutely broke my heart to see him so stressed out. I told him that it was okay and we were going to be okay.

I know that as we go through this process we will need to support each other. I think that the weight of the IVF process will weigh heavily on both of us at different times and in different ways.

I do feel very lucky today. Lucky that we live in a time when science can help us. Lucky that I have insurance that will cover the IVF. Lucky that I am spending my life with someone as amazing as my husband and someone who would do absolutely anything for me. Very lucky, indeed.

You know, we are going to be okay.

Walk Slowly and Carry a Big Needle.

So I guess I got a little carried away the other day. After I worried about it all day long, the Doctors office called and told me we would be good to start the injections as they were originally scheduled. The cyst was nothing. Thankfully, I could then get back to worrying about the shots themselves!

We have scheduled all my medication for 9 pm so that we can be sure that we will not miss a dose because one of us has to work late. Right on schedule Bill came upstairs to get me for our injections. We took all of the boxes out of the fridge, laid out the syringes, the needles, and just kind of stared at the pile for a minute. It is a little overwhelming to look at medication that you would normally see in a Dr's office or a hospital and know that you are doing this. I know we were both a little scared. We decided to take all of our paraphernalia upstairs and watch the instructional video one more time before starting.

Then it was go time! Bill loaded up the syringes; which in itself is a bit of a science! He looked slightly terrified as he got ready to inject me with the needle. He was so worried that he would hurt me. He actually had to try three times because he just wasn't using enough force and the needle was just bouncing off of my stomach. On the fourth try he was golden, and it didn't even hurt as I was sure it would. Bill has a bit of a medical phobia so the fact that he is mixing medication in a syringe and injecting me with a needle is unbelievable. It must be terribly difficult for him but he is pushing through it for our dream.

I have to be honest I felt a twinge of sadness as I was looking at all of that medication laid out. I wish so much that we would have been able to get pregnant and stay pregnant on our own without all of these extra measures. On the other hand, we are very lucky. Most people in our situation would have to pay $30000 out of pocket to do this and my insurance is covering it for us. I have no right to complain about anything and I know it.

They have told us to continue with 3 vials each of Bravelle and Menopur until Sunday. After my ultrasound and blood work they will give us additional instructions. I am determined to keep my thoughts positive.

We are well on our way, no looking back now.

14 Follicles and 1 Big Cyst

Today started out innocently enough. We are supposed to be starting our injections tomorrow night. We had to go into the Doctors office this morning to have blood work done and an ultrasound. Really was supposed to be a quite simple process.

We go in for the Ultrasound and the technician starts counting follicles, "1, 2, and here is a big cyst on your left ovary". What? How is there a cyst on my left ovary? We have had 2-3 ultrasounds in the last month and it wasn't there then. I have been on birth control pills for a month. The reason for the birth control pills I was told was to avoid a cyst. The ultrasound technician then tells us that it will be a conversation with the IVF nurse that will tell us whether our cycle which is barely off the ground has been cancelled already.

The other thing that worries me a little is the follicle count. When we had this done in June prior to our miscarriage the follicle count was 19. This seems like a big drop to me. Maybe not. When you are over 40 these little adjustments feel huge.

So, we sit down with the IVF nurse and she tells us we will need to wait for them to call this afternoon to see if our cycle will be cancelled. Apparently, the blood work will tell them if this is a dormant or active cyst. Something in the estrogen levels will determine whether or not to cancel our cycle. Something in heart is telling me it will probably be cancelled. I know that this cyst is new.

I am going to be praying all day long that my gut is wrong.

Why Don't You Just Adopt?

Sounds so simple when people say it. I absolutely have nothing against adoption and we are looking into this is well. It isn't quite as easy as people make it sound though.

A few weeks back, Bill and I went to an information meeting for a place here in Denver called The Adoption Exchange. These are some wonderful people doing amazing work. The meeting was an eye opener for sure. For example, to apopt an infant is about a 2 year wait and a cost of $30,000. Here is the catch though-half of adoptive mothers change their mind. You would think your 30 grand would be put towards another child. Nope. You would have to pay it all over again if the mother changes her mind. It is one thing to pay that money and end up with a baby it is completely another to pay it and have an empty nursery. I thought miscarriage was heartbreaking but this-wow!

Another thing to consider many of the private adoption agencies will not allow you to start the lengthy adoption process if you are undergoing fertility treatments. This being said we have decided to pursue fertility treatments and put adoption on hold for now. I think if we were to adopt I believe we would adopt an older child out of the foster care system. These are the types of kids that The Adoption Exchange focuses on. I know that there are so many great kids out there who the world so far has not been great to.

It sure would be something to make one of those kids part of our family. A lot of work for sure but a lot of reward as well- I think.

Here I Go!

I guess I am doing this... I thought this blog would be a good way to work through my thoughts as I approach this next step in my journey.

A little background on me. I am like many women today, finding myself 41 and wanting to start a family. I found my soulmate a little late in life-we met two years ago and just got married in June. I have worked for the same company for 17 years. Bill and I have also started our own company; Code Blue Computing which is his life long dream. Bill is amazing and I wouldn't change a thing as it relates to that. However, we have been trying to get pregnant for over a year. Back in August we thought our dreams had come true but I miscarried at 6 weeks. Absolutely, the most heartbreaking event of our lives.

Through all of the testing it has been pretty much determined that there is not really anything wrong with us. I think it is just the age issue. I have become addicted to Teen Mom recently and can honestly say fertility really is wasted on the young!

So now, we have decided to move full steam ahead with IVF. I think I am most worried that we will have to go through another miscarriage. I have heard of women going through multiple miscarriages and they really have my admiration. I just don't see myself as being that strong. We are lucky my company offers full insurance coverage so our out of pocket will be minimal compared with what most people have to pay. The company I work for is headquartered out of NJ; which is one of 15 states I believe that mandates IVF coverage. I think this is something that will really need to be looked at in the future. So many women struggle with infertility.

The last week has been spent on the phone going between the Dr's office and Cigna Mail Order Pharmacy trying to get my order shipped out. The original pharmacy the Dr called the order into couldn't bill Cigna for some reason. So they could either transfer the prescription or have us pay $7500.00 and file for reimbursement from Cigna. No thanks!

Finally, today the Fedex truck pulled up with two full boxes for us from the pharmacy. Needles, syringes, medications we will need to mix daily for injections in either the stomach or the thigh, and lots of pills. The amount of medication needed for this chance at a family is staggering to me. Bill is afraid of needles but will be powering through it to give me my daily injections. That is one of the sweetest gestures ever made towards me.

We are supposed to start the injections on Thursday with our egg retrieval tentatively scheduled for November 9th.

I guess that is it for now. I am excited and nervous as we start this journey but am ready to get going to see what the future holds for us!