Sometimes Google is not our Friend.

So last night I was laughing and had some pretty extreme pain in my lower abdominal area. It is still fairly sore this morning when I move around or press in that region. As someone who has had a miscarriage before; of course, I am terrified. No spotting or bleeding, but terrified just the same. Oh and also I am a lunatic.

What would a lunatic do when faced with this situation? Of course they would start clickity clacking on the keyboard to see what Dr Google has to say. Well now, I am worried that Dr Google has diagnosed me with an ectopic pregnancy. Could also be round ligament pain but never mind that!

Goodness gracious! Sometimes I think we were better off when we did not have so much information readily available to us. Less to worry about until we had to worry about it-if that makes sense.

So I am going to pray a lot, try and remain calm, and call the Dr's office when they open in a few hours.

It's A Miracle!!

I am just about bouncing off of the walls right now. Finally got our results back. Beta #1 on Monday was 145 and beta #2 today was 361. We are definitely pregnant!! The estimated due date is July 31, 2011. I can't believe this worked what an amazing Thanksgiving gift.

We go in for our first Ultrasound on December 12th. Hopefully we will see or hear the heartbeat on that day. Having had a miscarriage before I think I will be cautiously optimistic for awhile but this is definitely one of the happiest days of my life.

Wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!!

This is Ridiculous!

So my husband finally gets a call back. Get this one. Oh no, it was too early for a beta yesterday we actually were supposed to wait until Thanksgiving for that. They are embarrassed that their paperwork was wrong and also that no one bothered to call us. They are cautiously optimistic that I am pregnant. Not sure what to do with that tidbit of information.

I am so irritated right now. I just had to hold on until yesterday; now I have to wait two more days. Of course, that is assuming we will in fact get a call back this time. I know two days shouldn't be that big of a deal but it really is.

Need to meditate or something. Serenity Now!!

Still Waiting.......

Oh my gosh, this is driving me crazy! We left a message 90 minutes ago and still have not heard back. This is torture. Just tell me already are we pregnant or not????

Okay, deep breath..........

Oh Mylanta

Goodness gracious! As if today has not been stressful enough it appears my Dr's office is not going to call today with the results. I know that they return calls until 5:30 and it is about 10 past now.

When I went in for blood work this morning the nurse did tell me that the spotting wasn't necessarily bad. So that part is hopeful, although I was told the same thing about the spotting with what turned into my miscarriage in August as well.

So now this rollercoaster ride continues until tomorrow. I really thought I would have an answer today. Stay tuned........

Well, Crap

I go in for my beta this morning and last night I started getting very light pink spotting.

I am hoping with everything that I have that this means nothing. I am afraid that my period is starting. As if this day wasn't going to be long enough, throwing this in does not help a thing.

I won't lie, I cried last night. A cry that I haven't seen since my miscarriage back in August. I am going to try my best though to keep my thoughts positive today.

Need all the prayers I can get that IVF #1 is not a bust.

Insomnia Again?

Image Courtesy of Google Images

I used to sleep like a log. I had this weird thing where I would fall asleep until my head hit the pillow until the alarm went off the next morning. I used to joke with people that I had narcolepsy. For some reason, ever since my miscarriage I cannot sleep through the night. This is even more true since starting IVF.

I am not sure if the arsenal of medications that you take to try and support a pregnancy are adding to my insomnia. Probably not. My mind is racing. There is so much involved physically, financially, and emotionally to pursue IVF. Bill and I both want this to work in the worst way. To know that in one day, we will find out if by some miracle we will be the lucky couple who gets pregnant on their first cycle. I have done enough research and follow enough blogs to know that is not typical. Especially not typical for someone my age.

I am afraid the next 24 hours will be one of the longest in my lifetime. I know one thing for sure, right or wrong we will have an answer shortly and that is a good thing!

I am a big believer in working hard to maintain a positive attitude though. Believe me, many times throughout this process that has been hard work. So, I am going to take me, the twins, and my positive attitude back to bed and try and get a little sleep.

Wish us luck!

I Will Not do It!

So, right from the very beginning I told my self that I absolutely would not take a home pregnancy test. We had to do the HCG booster shots and I am certain that a false positive only to find out we are not pregnant would be too much to take.

I have to be honest, the wait is really starting to get to me. I still have in my possession a Costco type arsenal of home pregnancy tests in my bathroom. Yesterday, I could feel my will wavering as I approached the bathroom. I even took a test out and started to open it up. It would have been so easy! Alas, reason prevailed and I put the package back in the cabinet.

Am I like an addict? Why do I still have pregnancy tests there-screaming my name? Am I glutton for punishment? Am I overly dramatic-yes on that count!! We went to dinner with my family last night and they have threatened to confiscate the contraband if I do not behave.

There was a woman leaving the Dr's office this morning crying. It was so sad, I don't know her story at all but it really touched me. We all have similar, yet different stories; but the pain is the same.

Here is where things stand, blood work this morning and blood work on Monday. They should have the results Monday afternoon and I will know one way or another. My resolve is strong! I will not POAS this weekend, I will not POAS this weekend!!

I will keep my thoughts positive and just keep visualizing that little baby or two that hopefully will be home with us this time next year.....

Exhausted!!

Today, I am so tired it is ridiculous. You know when I was pregnant last time I was so exhausted that it was hard to function. Yes, I was only pregnant for about two weeks but I really was tired. Really! You need to believe me!!

So, I have decided that this is a good sign and I am in fact now pregnant. No one can tell me any different until next Monday. Five long days from now......

I am Fairly Certain that I am Crazy!

Courtesy of Google Images

I swear that every twinge that I feel right now is implantation pain. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I definitely feel like I am going a little nuts. I have been on bed rest for three days and am probably going a little stir crazy at this point.

When I was pregnant the last time, I did in retrospect have implantation pain and bleeding. These twinges are messing with me though. Am I really feeling them or do I just want to be feeling them? Was that a twitch? Maybe now. Okay, that was one for sure! I had my five day embryo transfer on Friday so I could be feeling them. Or, I could not. See what I mean crazy!

How am I going to make it to the 22nd; which is when we will find out if this worked or not? If this is where I am two days in what will I be like in a week. Scary!

I think going back to work tomorrow will be a good thing, a very good thing.

The Twins Are In

For someone that has no experience with any of this, I think yesterday went really well. I woke up excited and nervous about the whole process.

We had to arrive an hour before the procedure to allow for the acupuncture. This meant I needed to start my water guzzling a little early. You need to drink 32 ozs. of water before the procedure. After my acupuncture we waited for the embryologists to come and get us. By this time, I was miserable. My bladder was so ridiculously full that I was in pain, I thought I would cry. To top it all off, they were running a little late. NO!

The embryologist came to talk to us. She brought us pictures of all 5 embryos. She explained to us that 2 were no longer viable, 1 we would be able to freeze, and 2 were perfect for transfer today. Of the 2, one looks like a big rock star. To me, it looks like a boy and a girl. My Mother told me last night that she thinks that the big one will split into two and we will end up with triplets!

They brought us into the procedure room and had me hop up on the ultrasound table. My husband had to put on all the medical garb, hat, shoes, mask. He looked so cute; I loved it! When they looked at me with the ultrasound the Dr told me I got an A+ for filling my bladder. They knew I was so uncomfortable. He explained to us that if your bladder is full it gives them more of a straight shot to the uterus. In that case, my discomfort was definitely worth it.

I have to say that I think the whole process is pretty cool. You can see on the ultrasound screen when the embryos go shooting in. It actually gave me goosebumps. If we end up pregnant, neither Bill or I will forget that feeling or that moment. It was amazing.

The embryologist did tell us that the procedure went amazing well and the embryos ended up exactly where they needed them to be. I just had to lie there for 10 more minutes before I got to go to the restroom. Amen! We had our second round of acupuncture for the day and then we could go home. I am on bed rest for 3 days now.

I realized on the way home that Bill and I got married 5 months ago to the day. It hadn't dawned on me until then. It rained on our wedding day and so many people told us that was good for fertility. Who knows, maybe us having our egg transfer on that particular day is a good omen.

I am going to be praying, praying, praying for the next 10 days. I have a really good feeling about this and am very hopeful that at the end of this we will find ourselves pregnant and then of course stay pregnant.

The twins are in; they just need to stay put now.

We are Finally Here

As of yesterday, there were still five embryo's. Which in itself is pretty amazing to me. I was worried that only one or two would make it until today.

We will need to go into the Conceptions office at 10:45 this morning. We are doing acupuncture before and after the procedure. I figured if we were doing this IVF thing why not go at it with both barrels. I have done so much research I could probably give someone an Egg Transfer next month. Uhhh, maybe not.......

After today's procedure I will need to be on bed rest for three days. I tried to get everything as organized as I could last night so I wouldn't be tempted to be doing things that are on the unapproved list this weekend. The unapproved list is long! I know myself and having to lay for three days is going to be a tough one for me. If I am still for a minute I will come up with something that I need to be doing.

This weekend may be a good thing for me. Force me to get some rest that I have been neglecting for what feels like months. It seems that since my miscarriage back in August I just can't sleep the way that I used to. It is interesting to me, I am not really dreaming about the miscarriage the way I used to. It still affects me in a profound way. Maybe it is the knowledge that I have no control in what will happen in the situation. Maybe it is having experienced that excruciating pain; not just physically, but emotionally. It scares me to death that I might go through it again. Deep down, it is more horrifying to me that I might never be pregnant again.

So, I push all these little fears, these little doubts aside. I know that remaining positive right now is key. I will visualize us with that new baby who will God willing be home with us this time next year.

Are Fertility Reports Always This Exciting?

This is what I found on our bulletin board when I got home from my egg retrieval yesterday. My husband left the sweetest note and it actually made me cry. He has been amazing throughout this entire ordeal.

When we left the Conceptions office yesterday they told us that they would call us at some point today to let us know where we were with the embryos. Some just would not make it.

The majority of my soreness was gone by this morning. So I decided to give going to work a whirl. I figured I am going to have to miss time at the end of the week and IVF generally is hard on a work schedule. I am very lucky though. I have been with my employer for 17 years and they are working with whatever I need to make this happen. One less thing to worry about!!

My phone rang on the way to work and my heart dropped to see that it was the Dr's office calling already. I was sure they were going to tell my "Sorry-your eggs are all expired. Better luck next time." Great news-all 6 eggs were mature and 5 of them have fertilized. They told me that everything looks good and they would call again tomorrow with another report.

I was so excited, you would think that I just won the powerball. The best case scenario I had put in my head was maybe half on the first day. I have never been through this before but I think this is a really great sign. My wish throughout this whole process was that first and foremost there would be embryos to implant on day 5 and that there might be a few left to freeze as a backup plan.

So right now, I am very happy. Trying very hard to remain calm and not get to carried away. It is a long time until Friday and we just have to ride this out.

Egg-static

So the deed is done! I have to say having your egg retrieval date falling on the day that time changes add an additional layer of needless worry. Did they remember that time changed when scheduling? Oyy...chill you must chill....

We went into the Conceptions office this morning for our egg retrieval procedure. I have to admit I was more than a little nervous when the anesthesiologist walked me over to the room where the procedure was done. He put me at ease very easily and started my IV. Funny how quickly it starts to work, almost immediately. I think I was only awake for five seconds after the Dr came in. Next thing I knew, they were waking me up and walking me back across the hall to my husband. Really nothing to it. I am tired and a little sore but nothing like I had imagined it would be. Picturing needles being where you never thought they would be has a tendency to really get you imagination going:D

They were able to retrieve six eggs. Six is my new favorite number! It feels like a good number, I hope that it is. They will call us tomorrow to give us the fertility report.

Now, I go back to bed and we wait.

Exhausted

The plan today was to try and take it easy as much as possible in preparation for our egg retrieval tomorrow. Good luck with all that!

As I sit here and look at the bruises the needles have left all over my body this week; tomorrow's procedure weighs heavily on my mind. Surgery is always a little frightening. I know that at last count there were ten follicles, surely that would not produce ten eggs. Maybe half that? Of that half, how many eggs would be good? Maybe half that? Of that half, how many embryos will be left to implant at five days? Maybe half that?

So many pills, so many injections, so many Doctor's appointments. All of this culminates in the combination of the procedure we will have tomorrow and the one we will hopefully be having five days later.

For some reason, I have not slept well this week. It could be the menopur and the bravelle. It could be the fact that I was born a worrier and these scenarios are running through my brain way too much! All this leaves me feeling a level of exhaustion I have not experienced before. Not just physical exhaustion but emotional exhaustion as well.

This is too important; I cannot go into this surgery run down. I am going to force myself take a deep breath, relax, close my eyes and just picture myself with the baby that I know in my heart of hearts that Bill and I are destined to have.

IVF Trigger Tonight!!

Okay! Patience is a virtue that I do not always have. The Dr's office called this afternoon with the game plan for this weekend. We are going to trigger tonight. This is a big relief to Bill and I.

We are to give me two injections of Ovidrel at 11:30 tonight. Surgery is scheduled at the Conceptions Littleton office for 10:30 Sunday morning.

I am excited and nervous at the same time. It has been such a struggle to get here and we are almost there. Of course, after this procedure we wait five days to hopefully implant the embryos and then wait another two weeks to find out if we are pregnant. Really, this is just a crossroads to the beginning of the next part of our journey.

For some reason, I am starting to have a good feeling about this whole process. I really am starting to feel like maybe, maybe just maybe at the end of this Bill and I will have the beginning of our family.

IVF is a Waiting Game....

One of the things that I struggle the most with is the waiting with IVF. Once you get to this point in the journey, you already feel like you have spent so much time waiting. Anything longer feels intolerable.

On Tuesday, they were sure we would trigger on Thursday, yesterday they were sure we would trigger tonight, today we are not so sure. The good news is I have 10 follicles. The number sure fluctuates a lot!

I know that the name of the game is to get as many follicles as mature as you can. I am such a planner though. This uneasy feeling of not knowing is difficult for me. We actually had used up all of our ganerelix last night so it didn't even occur to me that we might have to go one more day. They were great about it and gave me another day's worth just in case. Although, deep down I am really hoping that we do not need it. Being type A me, I want to get this show on the road already.

My stomach is in knots right now, I just want to know the plan.

I will just take a deep breath, hope for the best, and wait.

Feeling Calm.....

Okay, so it has been a few days since my freak out about the Dr's office. I have noticed that going through this whole IVF process has a tendency to put me on edge at times. Sorry, friends, relatives, and strangers that meet me on the street!

Things are actually looking pretty good right now. According to my ultrasound this morning we have 11 follicles to work with right now. Just two days ago it looked to be only 7. My acupuncturist told me the other day to really go to town with my water consumption to try and plump those eggs up! Depending on how my blood work comes back today we will either do the egg retrieval on Saturday or Sunday. Originally, the earliest it was supposed to be was on Tuesday.

I am actually pretty excited right now. Bill and I both have a really good feeling about IVF.

Either today or tomorrow we say goodbye to Bravelle, Menopur , and Ganerelix and hello to our trigger shot!

Why does it have to be this hard?

I have been working really hard at keeping my thoughts focused on the positive. I have dealt with the sadness that came with our miscarriage, the fact that getting pregnant the "regular" way is not just ever going to be possible for us. Going to acupuncture, and Dr's, and Ultrasounds, and blood work....

You listen to the Dr and try and do what they say. However, when they in turn are not doing what they say they will do it is frustrating, dare I say infuriating. When you start IVF you get a very specific list of instructions. We were told that we would use the same dosage Thursday through Saturday. On Sunday, would be very important that we go all the way down to the office to get an ultrasound and blood work. They would get the results back the same day and they would call us to let us know what our dosage should be and to schedule the same testing for Monday.

Well, I patiently carried that cell phone around all day yesterday. No call. I left a message supposed nurses "hotline" at 5:00 last night. No call. We went ahead with the same dosage we have been doing and hoped for the best. I tried to call the office at 7:30 this morning to see if we could get in for testing today before the 8:00 cutoff. No answer. When I called back to try and speak to someone they told me I would have to leave a message on the "hotline" again. It has now been two hours since that message. No call.

When we chose our clinic I was under the impression that they were one of the best in Colorado. What if I was wrong?

Here we are four days into injecting medications into my system that as we speak are swelling my ovaries. Now, no one will return a call. I know that I have missed one day of testing. I may be giving myself the wrong dosage of medication. I may not even get an appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning. I am horrified.

This is not good, it is not good at all.