Grumpy Baby

I love being a Mom. Deep down, it is all I ever wanted to be. I do feel like I am still struggling more than I should be.

Zach is a pretty colicky baby. I try so hard to try and figure out what it is that will make him feel better. To date, I have not succeeded. If anyone has any ideas of something that might help, I would love to hear them.

I know they say this stage should pass by 3 months, but could last up to a year.

Oh goodness, what will we do if it lasts that long?

Birth Control-Really......

I had my 6 week follow up appointment yesterday. I can't believe it has been 6 weeks already! Everything looks great and all restrictions have been lifted.

The Dr's office had a form you had to fill out before your appointment and one of the questions was what form of Birth Control will you be using. My answer was "I Don't Know". I was promptly told that could not be my answer. Well, why not? Fine, Fine, going on birth control pills for 9 months but it feels just plain silly. I did need IVF to get here. Better safe than sorry, I suppose. We are definitely done trying but if we had a happy miracle that would be fine with us too.

My very favorite part of the appointment- I am 50 lbs lighter than the week I had the babies. Yay! Still have a little bit to go but that definitely helps with my motivation.

The babies are doing great. They become more aware of their surroundings everyday. They have discovered all of a sudden that there are toys on their bouncy chairs and are amazed by it all.

I, in turn am pretty much amazed by them.

How Am I Going to do This?

I love these babies and they are absolutely the biggest blessing in my life. Boy, do they keep me hopping round the clock though.

The last few days they have been having a grand time with what I call tag teaming Mommy. One cries for a few hours, feeding, diaper change, a little rock here a little rock there and falls asleep. I swear not 30 seconds later, they switch.

I am lucky though , rarely are they upset simultaneously. This is good, because I still have not mastered the art of doing anything for them at the same time. Not feeding them, not holding them, nothing. I do feel like I should have gotten that down by now, but no.

I have to go back to work in 6 weeks, period. Not a decision that I am thrilled with but we have no choice.

I have really been trying to figure out in my head how this is all going to work. Yesterday, I barely had enough time for one glass of water, and a piece of toast. Good for my diet, not so great for me. This morning it was all but impossible to get a shower in and get dressed before my husband had to leave for work.

How on earth am I going to do this when I go back to work? Logistically, I am really struggling with being able to get it all done. My Mother told me this morning that it will get better in 6 weeks. Well, I guess it has to since that is exactly when I go back to work. I have honestly been considering getting up for the day at their 2 am feeding.

Deep down the fact that I will not be home with them just breaks my heart. I am trying so hard to be positive but at the end of the day I feel that these babies deserve the best. I grew up with the best. My Mom was always there when I needed her. They deserve as good as I got, if not better. They deserve a Mom who is devoted to them 100% of the time.

I am afraid of what having a Mom from 6pm to 6am will look like in their lives.

Glad that is Over

Well, I am happy to report that when I went back to the Dr today the infection is now under control. I just have to take the medicine until it is done but I should be fine. I would be lying if I didn't say that I was worried that I would be going back into the hospital today.

I go back next Weds for my 6 week follow up appointment. I can't believe it has been 6 weeks already!

The babies both discovered their hands today and were actually enjoying the time in their bouncy chairs. I think we are really starting to hit that patch where they are awake as much as they are asleep during the day.

Yesterday, we completed our journey to the babies Dr's office. Zach is now 8.5 lbs. I was afraid he was gaining so much that they were going to put him on a baby treadmill. He is good, they want him nice and chunky! Zoe is now 7.9 lbs. They have just about outgrown their newborn diapers headed off to size 1 already.

They are growing way too fast for me already. I've attached a picture of them waiting to head off to the Dr. yesterday.

Not sure if you noticed but somehow I gave birth to Arnold from Different Strokes. An 80's reference for any of you that are out there:-D

Need Lots of Prayers....

So, I always have done things according to my own time schedule. There is no rushing me, I like to take my time.

I went into the Dr. on Friday with what looked like an infection at my C Section incision. Up until this point everything appeared to be fine. She thought it was a little strange for it to pop up so late; but wrote me a prescription and told me to come back on Monday. Over the weekend, the area became more and more painful and I could tell that the affected area was spreading.

They asked me when I went in today how I thought it was doing and I told them I thought it was worse. This was confirmed by the Dr. I am now on two separate antibiotics and a powder. I have to go back in for another appointment on Weds. If it is not significantly better by then I will be admitted into the hospital. Apparently, they will need to begin a course of IV antibiotics.

I need to be home with these babies, not cooped up in the hospital. I am keeping my thoughts positive and am determined that the medicine will kick in and do its job.

In the meantime, if you can spare them we could sure use your prayers.

It's a Jungle Out There....

Oh my goodness! The last few days have been rough on and off with the babies. I just think their tummies have been giving them trouble here and there. So heartbreaking, when you can tell they are in pain and nothing you are doing seems to help.

All in all, today was a pretty good day for the babies and I. It was a jungle in the diaper department though. Zoe peed on the changing table twice. I had a pooping situation when changing Zach. This means he was still quite busy when I removed the diaper. I closed the diaper down, and decided to check again in a few minutes to see if he was done yet. Of course, in addition to pooping it was time to try and improve his aim in the pee department. I closed the diaper down again, and finally the third time was the charm! I then had a pooping situation with Zoe that required, three or four diapers by the time it was done.

I have cried more than once this week, thinking that I need to be a better Mother than I am. Ever since I was little, the one thing that I knew for sure that I wanted to be when I grew up was a Mom. I think when you struggle with infertility you put horribly high expectations on yourself. Expectations that are impossible to meet. I am trying very hard to lower the bar for myself but have not succeeded as of yet. I am definitely still a work in progress.


Bill is watching the babies for me downstairs right now and I am off to bed to try and get a little nap in, I am exhausted!!

One Year Ago......

One year ago today was the saddest of my life.

The Dr. called me to tell me that I had miscarried. I had begun to spot on Friday. Never had I imagined that this meant the baby would not survive. It was never even a thought for a second in my mind. This is why the call was absolutely devastating.

I remember getting up from my desk, absolutely sobbing. I left work for the day with not much conversation with anyone as I left. I didn't call Bill, deciding till he got home to tell him. I sat there for hours, waiting for him to get home. As soon as I heard the garage door open, I started sobbing again. I met him outside to tell him the news. I will never forget the sad look that came across his face. I felt like I had failed him in such a significant way. I know he never felt that way, but I did. Truthfully, sometimes I still do.

I remember this overwhelming sense of sadness. It was the kind of sadness I had never felt before. The kind of sadness that feels like you fell in a hole. I remember crying non stop for a month.

It is unreal to me to be sitting here right now on this sad anniversary watching these two wonderful babies sleep. If anyone had told me a year ago, I would have told them they were crazy. I was sure on that dark day that our one chance at a family had died too.

Life really does surprise us in the most spectacular ways.

I am Sorry that I am Sorry, Really I am.....

So, I have this incurable condition. I apologize all the time. For stuff I did, for stuff I didn't do, for stuff I might do in the future, for things you did. You get the idea. I have always been like this, yet, I still do it.

My Mother just informed me that I am doing it with the babies now, and it needs to stop pronto. It is a struggle. I wanted these babies for so long. Now when I do things that upset them, I apologize. I change their clothes, I apologize; change their diaper, I apologize; give them a bath, I apologize. Listen, if they are upset; I am upset.

I am sorry, really I am.......