Relax. It is going to be okay.

IVF is definitely not for the faint of heart. It requires a lot of commitment. Commitment of time, of money, and lets not forget the emotional commitment. The road that Bill and I have taken, is not easy. Sure, we could have said no children but that was not what felt right for us.

I felt the emotional toll it can take when my husband got home last night. He was at a customers house late, got home a few minutes after we were supposed to do the injections. When he came upstairs I could see the panic in his face. He felt like he had failed me. Of course, this is impossible. This man, who is giving me injections nightly in spite of a fear of needles had not failed me. It absolutely broke my heart to see him so stressed out. I told him that it was okay and we were going to be okay.

I know that as we go through this process we will need to support each other. I think that the weight of the IVF process will weigh heavily on both of us at different times and in different ways.

I do feel very lucky today. Lucky that we live in a time when science can help us. Lucky that I have insurance that will cover the IVF. Lucky that I am spending my life with someone as amazing as my husband and someone who would do absolutely anything for me. Very lucky, indeed.

You know, we are going to be okay.

Walk Slowly and Carry a Big Needle.

So I guess I got a little carried away the other day. After I worried about it all day long, the Doctors office called and told me we would be good to start the injections as they were originally scheduled. The cyst was nothing. Thankfully, I could then get back to worrying about the shots themselves!

We have scheduled all my medication for 9 pm so that we can be sure that we will not miss a dose because one of us has to work late. Right on schedule Bill came upstairs to get me for our injections. We took all of the boxes out of the fridge, laid out the syringes, the needles, and just kind of stared at the pile for a minute. It is a little overwhelming to look at medication that you would normally see in a Dr's office or a hospital and know that you are doing this. I know we were both a little scared. We decided to take all of our paraphernalia upstairs and watch the instructional video one more time before starting.

Then it was go time! Bill loaded up the syringes; which in itself is a bit of a science! He looked slightly terrified as he got ready to inject me with the needle. He was so worried that he would hurt me. He actually had to try three times because he just wasn't using enough force and the needle was just bouncing off of my stomach. On the fourth try he was golden, and it didn't even hurt as I was sure it would. Bill has a bit of a medical phobia so the fact that he is mixing medication in a syringe and injecting me with a needle is unbelievable. It must be terribly difficult for him but he is pushing through it for our dream.

I have to be honest I felt a twinge of sadness as I was looking at all of that medication laid out. I wish so much that we would have been able to get pregnant and stay pregnant on our own without all of these extra measures. On the other hand, we are very lucky. Most people in our situation would have to pay $30000 out of pocket to do this and my insurance is covering it for us. I have no right to complain about anything and I know it.

They have told us to continue with 3 vials each of Bravelle and Menopur until Sunday. After my ultrasound and blood work they will give us additional instructions. I am determined to keep my thoughts positive.

We are well on our way, no looking back now.

14 Follicles and 1 Big Cyst

Today started out innocently enough. We are supposed to be starting our injections tomorrow night. We had to go into the Doctors office this morning to have blood work done and an ultrasound. Really was supposed to be a quite simple process.

We go in for the Ultrasound and the technician starts counting follicles, "1, 2, and here is a big cyst on your left ovary". What? How is there a cyst on my left ovary? We have had 2-3 ultrasounds in the last month and it wasn't there then. I have been on birth control pills for a month. The reason for the birth control pills I was told was to avoid a cyst. The ultrasound technician then tells us that it will be a conversation with the IVF nurse that will tell us whether our cycle which is barely off the ground has been cancelled already.

The other thing that worries me a little is the follicle count. When we had this done in June prior to our miscarriage the follicle count was 19. This seems like a big drop to me. Maybe not. When you are over 40 these little adjustments feel huge.

So, we sit down with the IVF nurse and she tells us we will need to wait for them to call this afternoon to see if our cycle will be cancelled. Apparently, the blood work will tell them if this is a dormant or active cyst. Something in the estrogen levels will determine whether or not to cancel our cycle. Something in heart is telling me it will probably be cancelled. I know that this cyst is new.

I am going to be praying all day long that my gut is wrong.

Why Don't You Just Adopt?

Sounds so simple when people say it. I absolutely have nothing against adoption and we are looking into this is well. It isn't quite as easy as people make it sound though.

A few weeks back, Bill and I went to an information meeting for a place here in Denver called The Adoption Exchange. These are some wonderful people doing amazing work. The meeting was an eye opener for sure. For example, to apopt an infant is about a 2 year wait and a cost of $30,000. Here is the catch though-half of adoptive mothers change their mind. You would think your 30 grand would be put towards another child. Nope. You would have to pay it all over again if the mother changes her mind. It is one thing to pay that money and end up with a baby it is completely another to pay it and have an empty nursery. I thought miscarriage was heartbreaking but this-wow!

Another thing to consider many of the private adoption agencies will not allow you to start the lengthy adoption process if you are undergoing fertility treatments. This being said we have decided to pursue fertility treatments and put adoption on hold for now. I think if we were to adopt I believe we would adopt an older child out of the foster care system. These are the types of kids that The Adoption Exchange focuses on. I know that there are so many great kids out there who the world so far has not been great to.

It sure would be something to make one of those kids part of our family. A lot of work for sure but a lot of reward as well- I think.

Here I Go!

I guess I am doing this... I thought this blog would be a good way to work through my thoughts as I approach this next step in my journey.

A little background on me. I am like many women today, finding myself 41 and wanting to start a family. I found my soulmate a little late in life-we met two years ago and just got married in June. I have worked for the same company for 17 years. Bill and I have also started our own company; Code Blue Computing which is his life long dream. Bill is amazing and I wouldn't change a thing as it relates to that. However, we have been trying to get pregnant for over a year. Back in August we thought our dreams had come true but I miscarried at 6 weeks. Absolutely, the most heartbreaking event of our lives.

Through all of the testing it has been pretty much determined that there is not really anything wrong with us. I think it is just the age issue. I have become addicted to Teen Mom recently and can honestly say fertility really is wasted on the young!

So now, we have decided to move full steam ahead with IVF. I think I am most worried that we will have to go through another miscarriage. I have heard of women going through multiple miscarriages and they really have my admiration. I just don't see myself as being that strong. We are lucky my company offers full insurance coverage so our out of pocket will be minimal compared with what most people have to pay. The company I work for is headquartered out of NJ; which is one of 15 states I believe that mandates IVF coverage. I think this is something that will really need to be looked at in the future. So many women struggle with infertility.

The last week has been spent on the phone going between the Dr's office and Cigna Mail Order Pharmacy trying to get my order shipped out. The original pharmacy the Dr called the order into couldn't bill Cigna for some reason. So they could either transfer the prescription or have us pay $7500.00 and file for reimbursement from Cigna. No thanks!

Finally, today the Fedex truck pulled up with two full boxes for us from the pharmacy. Needles, syringes, medications we will need to mix daily for injections in either the stomach or the thigh, and lots of pills. The amount of medication needed for this chance at a family is staggering to me. Bill is afraid of needles but will be powering through it to give me my daily injections. That is one of the sweetest gestures ever made towards me.

We are supposed to start the injections on Thursday with our egg retrieval tentatively scheduled for November 9th.

I guess that is it for now. I am excited and nervous as we start this journey but am ready to get going to see what the future holds for us!