Bad, Bad Blogger

I have not been very good lately about writing. I am a bad, bad blogger.

Things have been going pretty well lately. The anxiety with this pregnancy has pretty much gone by the wayside, with a brief occurrence here and there.

I did go in last week to do my gestational diabetes test. I think I had to do it early because I am officially considered high risk. I was so mad! I drank all of that horrible junk and guess what 2 seconds later it all came back to me. Gross! Now, I have to take the test again in a few weeks. When the receptionist told me, I said "Good luck with all that! Well, I guess we have 5 months to try and get it done!"

The Dr said part of the problem probably was me drinking it on an empty stomach. Truthfully, I was afraid if I ate it would mess with the results and I would have to do the 3 hour. I guess, I will try again in a couple of weeks and keep my fingers crossed the long version is not in my future.

We were not supposed to have an ultrasound at this appointment; but they were only able to find one baby's heartbeat with the doppler. A little scary for sure. They did give us an ultrasound and both babies are looking great! Heartbeats still around 160 for both and they weighed 5 and 4 ounces. Can't wait for the anatomy scan in 3 weeks!

My husband and I were able to go and look, just look at baby stuff last weekend. It was a lot of fun, to start thinking about what we need to get for their nursery. I am not quite ready to make purchases, but I am ready to start researching to see what has the highest safety ratings! Yes, I am a big stinking planner. Probably one of the reasons infertility was so hard on me.

I still have a pregnancy journal and a baby journal in my drawer that remain unwritten in. This is a struggle. I actually bought them the day I was having my miscarriage in July completely unaware of what was to come. We put them away to save for a happier time. Well here I am; and I find myself unable to pull them out.

It upsets me that I haven't been able to write in these journals. I am excited about these babies and I absolutely want them to know someday how much they were anticipated, wanted, and loved.

I know logically that I am through the rough patch. More likely than not, these babies will be okay. There is something about taking those journals out and writing in them that scares me a little. This is weird, I know it is. For lack of a better word, I am afraid writing will jinx something. Is it a superstition if it only affects me? The whole thing is weird, I know; and probably a little crazy too!

I am afraid that as always my Mother is right. She keeps telling me that I am doing too much, and I need to respect my pregnancy more and not fight it so much. As usual, today I tried to cram an entire weekend into one day and it exhausted me. Tomorrow, my plan is stay home and relax all day.

I am going to try my best to take those journals out tomorrow. I am going to take the cap of the pen and throw caution to the wind and just write. In every other aspect of my life, I have been able to push through what scares me and I will find a way to do just that in this instance as well!

Probably.

Working on Perceptions

I think we all do it in one form or another. Every wish, every dream that we have for ourselves comes with some idealized preconceived notion. You know, when you were young and you fantasized about being an adult. Did you picture yourself as fabulous? What did it look like? Maybe no stress, nobody telling you what to do, a sports car and a big house? Me too.

I always pictured myself being married to a wonderful man, which I absolutely am. However, with that picture, of course, there were children. The children part was not as easy as I pictured it. A miscarriage, and amazingly 1 IVF treatment later we find ourselves pregnant with twins. I am almost 4 months pregnant and thrilled.

This is where my preconceived notions come back into play. I had an amazing childhood and as a result I have always pictured myself being the same type of Mother that I had. Even though I have worked in the corporate world for 20 years, I have always imagined that I would be a stay at home Mom.

I always imagined that I would not miss a thing. I would see it when they would first crawl, I would be there for their first words, their first steps, all of it. As they grew older, I imagined that I would be there when they got home from school just as my Mother had been for me. I remember vividly how many horrible days somehow got at least a little better by that quiet time in the afternoon when I would tell her about school that day. As a result of how I was raised and who my Mother was, to this day my Mother is one of my best friends.

My husband and I have had many talks this week about our future and the future of our family. We have come to the conclusion that being a stay at home Mom will just not be in the cards for me. I would be a liar if I said this did not break my heart. It just does.

How many of these things that I have pictured will someone else see? Will someone else be there for there first words and I will just hear about it after the fact? I hope not, but rationally I know this will be the case for many things.

I know that most women have to or choose to work after they have children. I guess I am just struggling because this is the complete opposite of how I wanted to raise children. I am sure that there are women out there that are having the opposite struggle; they want to go back to work, but the cost of child care does not allow it.

I am still absolutely thrilled about having twins, and raising them with the most amazing man on the planet. I am just working on my perceptions of what it means to be a good Mother.

A complete overhaul is in order. I just need a few days, to put it all back into focus and work on what I will need to do to make this new version of family life work for us.

All I have ever wanted was to be a good Mother. Whether it is the stay at home version that was my dream or the working version that is my reality, I will be a good Mother.