I'll Be Just Fine.....

Definitely one of the hardest weeks I remember having in quite some time. 

Bill and I woke the babies up bright and early on Weds.  They were quite confused, normally they wake us up.  We did bottles, put their jackets and hats on over their jammies and headed over to Grandma's. 

It was good to see my Mom on the way to the hospital.  I couldn't look at her for too long, or I would break into the ugly cry.  Way to early in the day for that....

We continued our journey to the hospital, and were all checked in by 6:30 am. 

It wasn't long until we they brought us back to our room.  Thankfully, I only had to answer this question only one more time.  "Why are you having a D&C?".   This actually had been asked quite a lot over the last week.  As well as ""Any chance you are pregnant?"   What a loaded question that one was. 

The Chaplain for the hospital came and talked to us as we were preparing for surgery.  I really wasn't prepared for this.  Very nice woman.  She told us about the grief services they have at the hospital, a yearly memorial, and a yearly walk.  She prayed with us.  I cried during the prayer, and somehow I could feel the baby was with me and that prayer comforted him as well. 

The Anesthesiologist came and explained how he preferred General Anesthesia for this operation.  I told him that was exactly what I wanted to hear.  I wanted to be able to just go to sleep and when I woke up, it would be over.  I also explained to him that I am a big fan of blood products if they are needed.  So strange, to me that you would die instead of having a blood transfusion but I guess with some religions you do.  One good thing about being Catholic, I suppose. 

My Dr came in and talked to me and then it was time to go.  I waved goodbye to my husband, I wished there was a way I could sneak him into the operating room with me just long enough for me to fall asleep anyway. 

They wheeled me into the room, I wonder why operating rooms are always so big?  They put the mask over my face, and told me to think of somewhere else fabulous that I would rather be.  I liked that.  I pictured Bill and I and our babies on the beach.  I have never been to the beach.... Three deep breaths and I was asleep.

Next thing I remember I was waking up.  As soon as I woke up, I started to cry.  It shook me, I didn't expect to do that, but I did.  I was crying so hard, the Nurse had to make sure that I wasn't crying because of the physical pain.  The physical pain definitely was not the problem. 

It took a few minutes for me to pull myself together, but eventually I did.  Within an hour, they let me husband come back to see me.  As soon as he came, of course the tears started again.  Again, it took a few minutes to pull myself back together, but eventually I did.

We were able to go home within an hour of so.  I was so glad to get back home into my own bed.  I am sad that yet another baby was just not meant to be. 

I knew in my heart when I saw the positive pregnancy test that this probably would happen.  I kept telling myself that I would be prepared, that it wouldn't hurt as much as the last time.  The truth is, it still breaks my heart.   It just does. 

I am lucky and I know it.  I have two amazing babies, they are healthy, they are happy, and they are hilarious.  I will put my focus exactly where it should be being THANKFUL for all of the gifts in my life.