Bad, Bad Blogger

I have not been very good lately about writing. I am a bad, bad blogger.

Things have been going pretty well lately. The anxiety with this pregnancy has pretty much gone by the wayside, with a brief occurrence here and there.

I did go in last week to do my gestational diabetes test. I think I had to do it early because I am officially considered high risk. I was so mad! I drank all of that horrible junk and guess what 2 seconds later it all came back to me. Gross! Now, I have to take the test again in a few weeks. When the receptionist told me, I said "Good luck with all that! Well, I guess we have 5 months to try and get it done!"

The Dr said part of the problem probably was me drinking it on an empty stomach. Truthfully, I was afraid if I ate it would mess with the results and I would have to do the 3 hour. I guess, I will try again in a couple of weeks and keep my fingers crossed the long version is not in my future.

We were not supposed to have an ultrasound at this appointment; but they were only able to find one baby's heartbeat with the doppler. A little scary for sure. They did give us an ultrasound and both babies are looking great! Heartbeats still around 160 for both and they weighed 5 and 4 ounces. Can't wait for the anatomy scan in 3 weeks!

My husband and I were able to go and look, just look at baby stuff last weekend. It was a lot of fun, to start thinking about what we need to get for their nursery. I am not quite ready to make purchases, but I am ready to start researching to see what has the highest safety ratings! Yes, I am a big stinking planner. Probably one of the reasons infertility was so hard on me.

I still have a pregnancy journal and a baby journal in my drawer that remain unwritten in. This is a struggle. I actually bought them the day I was having my miscarriage in July completely unaware of what was to come. We put them away to save for a happier time. Well here I am; and I find myself unable to pull them out.

It upsets me that I haven't been able to write in these journals. I am excited about these babies and I absolutely want them to know someday how much they were anticipated, wanted, and loved.

I know logically that I am through the rough patch. More likely than not, these babies will be okay. There is something about taking those journals out and writing in them that scares me a little. This is weird, I know it is. For lack of a better word, I am afraid writing will jinx something. Is it a superstition if it only affects me? The whole thing is weird, I know; and probably a little crazy too!

I am afraid that as always my Mother is right. She keeps telling me that I am doing too much, and I need to respect my pregnancy more and not fight it so much. As usual, today I tried to cram an entire weekend into one day and it exhausted me. Tomorrow, my plan is stay home and relax all day.

I am going to try my best to take those journals out tomorrow. I am going to take the cap of the pen and throw caution to the wind and just write. In every other aspect of my life, I have been able to push through what scares me and I will find a way to do just that in this instance as well!

Probably.

Working on Perceptions

I think we all do it in one form or another. Every wish, every dream that we have for ourselves comes with some idealized preconceived notion. You know, when you were young and you fantasized about being an adult. Did you picture yourself as fabulous? What did it look like? Maybe no stress, nobody telling you what to do, a sports car and a big house? Me too.

I always pictured myself being married to a wonderful man, which I absolutely am. However, with that picture, of course, there were children. The children part was not as easy as I pictured it. A miscarriage, and amazingly 1 IVF treatment later we find ourselves pregnant with twins. I am almost 4 months pregnant and thrilled.

This is where my preconceived notions come back into play. I had an amazing childhood and as a result I have always pictured myself being the same type of Mother that I had. Even though I have worked in the corporate world for 20 years, I have always imagined that I would be a stay at home Mom.

I always imagined that I would not miss a thing. I would see it when they would first crawl, I would be there for their first words, their first steps, all of it. As they grew older, I imagined that I would be there when they got home from school just as my Mother had been for me. I remember vividly how many horrible days somehow got at least a little better by that quiet time in the afternoon when I would tell her about school that day. As a result of how I was raised and who my Mother was, to this day my Mother is one of my best friends.

My husband and I have had many talks this week about our future and the future of our family. We have come to the conclusion that being a stay at home Mom will just not be in the cards for me. I would be a liar if I said this did not break my heart. It just does.

How many of these things that I have pictured will someone else see? Will someone else be there for there first words and I will just hear about it after the fact? I hope not, but rationally I know this will be the case for many things.

I know that most women have to or choose to work after they have children. I guess I am just struggling because this is the complete opposite of how I wanted to raise children. I am sure that there are women out there that are having the opposite struggle; they want to go back to work, but the cost of child care does not allow it.

I am still absolutely thrilled about having twins, and raising them with the most amazing man on the planet. I am just working on my perceptions of what it means to be a good Mother.

A complete overhaul is in order. I just need a few days, to put it all back into focus and work on what I will need to do to make this new version of family life work for us.

All I have ever wanted was to be a good Mother. Whether it is the stay at home version that was my dream or the working version that is my reality, I will be a good Mother.

12 Weeks and You Must Chill!!

I have always been a thinker, a planner, and a worrier. Thinking is cool, planning is better, the worrying now that is an issue!

We went in for our NT scan today and everything looked great. Both babies had a heart rate of 159. At this first glance, nothing appeared to jump out to indicate down syndrome; which is great. I would really really prefer to skip the Amnio if I can get away with it.

We saw the babies again and they look great. Wiggling around like crazy, you would too, if somebody kept poking you like that!

I have decided that I need to chill and just enjoy where I am right now with this pregnancy. I feel really good after the ultrasound today, and we are at 12 weeks. I am just going to put the worrying on the back burner until there is officially something to worry about. That is my story and I am sticking to it!

Next Dr appointment in 4 weeks..........

What a Terrible Dream

I am going to warn you this dream is just awful; but it has woken me up the last few nights.

In the dream Bill and I go in for our NT scan. To us, everything looks fine and we are thrilled as we always are when we see the twins. The Dr then informs us that one of the babies heart has stopped somewhere along the line. This is the point where I wake up.

What is going on? I know that I am just worried about the scan on Tuesday. Maybe even a little more worried than I was willing to admit. This is ridiculous though. I think my subconscious and I need to have a little chat. Ney Ney on the Nightmares about the Bebe's-K?

Going to try and go back for a little nightmare free rest-I hope........

I am Graduated!!

I went in this morning for my last blood draw at the RE office. They just called and said that everything looks perfect! I will start to come off some of my medication on Saturday when I hit the 12 week mark.

I am kind of sad though. Everyone at the RE office is so nice I will miss going in there to see them every week. I do really like my OB also. It's just a different level of care between the two offices.

The next big hurdle is next Tuesday. We have out NT scan scheduled for that day. I am a little nervous about this one so keep your fingers crossed for us!

Pregnancy Brain

I had my first confirmed case of pregnancy brain yesterday.

Yesterday morning we had our first appointment with my regular OB. I had just been in two months ago for an appointment right before we started IVF. It was so nice to see how happy my Dr was to see us back so soon! We went ahead scheduled the NT scan for the 18th. I am hoping that turns out okay because the thought of an amnio scares me to death. Anything that has a possible risk of miscarriage feels extreme to me.

I went to work and had a fairly non eventful day. All day long I was looking forward to my massage last night. I left work and got stuck in rush hour traffic, which is pretty typical. Stopped at the store to pick up a mega millions ticket. I had to do it! The line was so long it felt like a 30 minute wait but I know it was probably just 10. Went home and crashed on the couch.

My phone rings, and my heart drops, it is my massage therapist. My massage that I was so excited about all day. Yep I forgot to go to it! Pregnancy Brain! Thankfully, she was so sweet about it and rescheduled me for tonight. I am certain that Pregnancy Brain cannot strike two nights in a row....

Happy New Year!!

I have to say that 2010 has definitely been a mixed bag but mostly I think it was a good year.

• We started out the year officially trying to get pregnant.
• We made the decision to see the RE in May.
• Had the best day of my life in June when Bill and I got married!
• Found the infertility to be mostly age related.
• Made the decision to give IVF a try in August and amazingly found out we were pregnant.
• Two weeks later had the worst day of my life when the Dr called to let me know the we had miscarried.
• Great day again when I flew an airplane for my birthday!
• Even though still struggling we decided to give IVF a whirl in November.
• Amazing days when we found out we were pregnant again and the subsequent ultrasounds showing both babies with heartbeats, growing, and moving around like marathon runners.

2010 absolutely has been the happiest and the saddest for me. I would never let myself say that it was a bad year because of the struggles we had. Too many amazing things occurred as well. I am embracing all of 2010. The horrible sadness that came from losing our first baby and the amazing high of seeing the twins. Of course, I worry everyday and I pray that they will continue to grow and that they will be healthy.

I have high hopes for 2011 and cannot wait to see what the New Year brings us. Good and bad 2010 was a whirlwind. I am excited to see what you have in store 2011-BRING IT ON!!

Wishing you all the best-Happy New Year!