It's a Jungle Out There....

Oh my goodness! The last few days have been rough on and off with the babies. I just think their tummies have been giving them trouble here and there. So heartbreaking, when you can tell they are in pain and nothing you are doing seems to help.

All in all, today was a pretty good day for the babies and I. It was a jungle in the diaper department though. Zoe peed on the changing table twice. I had a pooping situation when changing Zach. This means he was still quite busy when I removed the diaper. I closed the diaper down, and decided to check again in a few minutes to see if he was done yet. Of course, in addition to pooping it was time to try and improve his aim in the pee department. I closed the diaper down again, and finally the third time was the charm! I then had a pooping situation with Zoe that required, three or four diapers by the time it was done.

I have cried more than once this week, thinking that I need to be a better Mother than I am. Ever since I was little, the one thing that I knew for sure that I wanted to be when I grew up was a Mom. I think when you struggle with infertility you put horribly high expectations on yourself. Expectations that are impossible to meet. I am trying very hard to lower the bar for myself but have not succeeded as of yet. I am definitely still a work in progress.


Bill is watching the babies for me downstairs right now and I am off to bed to try and get a little nap in, I am exhausted!!

One Year Ago......

One year ago today was the saddest of my life.

The Dr. called me to tell me that I had miscarried. I had begun to spot on Friday. Never had I imagined that this meant the baby would not survive. It was never even a thought for a second in my mind. This is why the call was absolutely devastating.

I remember getting up from my desk, absolutely sobbing. I left work for the day with not much conversation with anyone as I left. I didn't call Bill, deciding till he got home to tell him. I sat there for hours, waiting for him to get home. As soon as I heard the garage door open, I started sobbing again. I met him outside to tell him the news. I will never forget the sad look that came across his face. I felt like I had failed him in such a significant way. I know he never felt that way, but I did. Truthfully, sometimes I still do.

I remember this overwhelming sense of sadness. It was the kind of sadness I had never felt before. The kind of sadness that feels like you fell in a hole. I remember crying non stop for a month.

It is unreal to me to be sitting here right now on this sad anniversary watching these two wonderful babies sleep. If anyone had told me a year ago, I would have told them they were crazy. I was sure on that dark day that our one chance at a family had died too.

Life really does surprise us in the most spectacular ways.

I am Sorry that I am Sorry, Really I am.....

So, I have this incurable condition. I apologize all the time. For stuff I did, for stuff I didn't do, for stuff I might do in the future, for things you did. You get the idea. I have always been like this, yet, I still do it.

My Mother just informed me that I am doing it with the babies now, and it needs to stop pronto. It is a struggle. I wanted these babies for so long. Now when I do things that upset them, I apologize. I change their clothes, I apologize; change their diaper, I apologize; give them a bath, I apologize. Listen, if they are upset; I am upset.

I am sorry, really I am.......

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I started this blog to document my journey of trying to get pregnant after my miscarriage last year.

I have gotten so much support from so many wonderful ladies. Ladies, who like me, were struggling with the ability to become and or stay pregnant. I know that after my miscarriage seeing or talking with other women who were pregnant or who had just had babies was incredibly difficult for me.

The last few days I have been struggling with what I should do with this blog. Is it okay if I transition this blog to be about my life with the babies or should I start a new blog?

Little Boys-Oh the Mystery that Is....

Okay. So everyone in my family has been girls. I am one of three girls, and my sister had two girls.

I have changed many a diaper in my day, and dangerous it never was. Until now. I swear Zach pees on me a minimum of three times a day. We go through at least three changing table covers, and four outfits. Those would be his outfits not mine. This little boy can shoot three feet across the room and his aim is supreme. My Mother did daycare and she swears she never saw a boy such as mine.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me? Anyone.......

Tired....

I think the last few weeks is catching up with me. I am so exhausted today it is hard to function.

I have to say I am very lucky. I have a large extended family that has been coming over as much as I need to help in anyway they can. They have been helping us get organized, cooking dinners, feeding babies, etc. I have absolutely no idea how parents of twins who do not have this type of extended family do it.

Still, I am tired. Bill and I have decided to bring in a wonderful lady one night a week. She will take care of the babies so that we can get one night of uninterrupted sleep. What originally felt like a luxury we could probably do without; definitely feels like a necessity today. Luckily, tonight is her first night.

Like so many other things in my life this has definitely fallen into place at exactly the moment when I needed it most. Looking forward to bedtime tonight!!

Adjusting

So many changes when you bring one,let alone two babies homes from the hospital.

Ever since I was little, I knew that I would be a Mom someday. My dreams for myself would come and go, but the one constant was that I would be a Mom. As I started approaching 40, I began to think that I would have to let the dream go. Somewhere deep down, I just kept praying for the family that I always had pictured.

Everything started falling into place right after I turned 39. I met Bill, we were engaged within 6 months, and married a year later. We started trying to get pregnant not long after we were engaged. Nothing happened. Apparantly, I had been faithfully taking birth control pills for a decade for naught.

Last July, after a year of trying; we finally were pregnant. I don't ever remember being happier. A week later, I was heartbroken to find out that I had miscarried. I felt that sadness deeper than any in my life, so much so, that is was difficult to emerge from it. Finally, I did; and we made the decision to try IVF once. My prayers have been answered and we are blessed with not one baby but two.

I would be a liar if I said that the hormone free fall after childbirth wasn't an issue. It is. I trend towards being an emotional person to begin with, so this is a struggle.

The adjustment period for our family has been a little longer than I anticipated. I feel like we are just now finally hitting our stride and we will be able to establish a schedule for ourselves.

Bill had never really been around babies before; I worry that the adjustment period may be harder on him than it is on me. I know that he loves these babies with all of his heart and is a wonderful father to them. I do worry though that this dream that I thought was ours was really just mine. I worry that I just plowed full steam ahead, like I always do. I worry that he was just trying to make me happy, like he always does.

Already, it is impossible to remember our life before these babies. Right from the minute they were born I was struck by how vastly different their personalities were. Zoe is quiet, sweet, happy, and I think will be very silly. Zach is determined to be heard, sweet, happy, and I think will be quite serious.

The one thing that I know for sure is that we are quite lucky to have been chosen to be the parents of these wonderful babies. I know that we are just starting an amazing journey together and I, for one, cannot wait to see where we end up.