Scrambled Eggs-A Journey from IVF to Baby-Maybe- to Twins!!

An Unfortuante Incident with a Pony

2012-03-16T09:49:00.000-06:00

I have to say that everytime I watch this, I laugh a little harder. I am afraid that in itself makes me a bad Mother. I don't care its hillarious.... :-D

We Are Okay!

2012-02-09T22:11:00.001-07:00

Sorry, it has been awhile since my last post. Our little man is just fine!

The day of his surgery was so hard. He was such a brave little boy, having a party in the hospital up until the time they took him away. This is when I lost it. That sweet little face looking at Bill and I like- aren't you coming with me? I absolutely lost it. Cried harder than I have, in years.

His surgery was not long at all. The poor receptionist felt horrible with how upset I was. When they called and told her to bring me into a room because the surgery was over she actually went back to make sure so I didn't get upset again for no reason. She was so sweet.

He came through like a champ and is doing 100% better now. Onward and upward to better things! I leave you with a picture of our little man right before he went in for surgery. I told my husband he needs a pony, but BOO he says no......

Need Prayers for Our Little Man

2012-01-30T04:40:00.000-07:00

So we take our little man into the hospital this morning for minor surgery.

I have known since he was two weeks old that we were going to need to do this. I have been a wreck all weekend and now it is here. They called last week to go over the surgery and ask all the does he have this, and is he allergic to that. The whole time I was thinking he is so little, how could we know if he has any of those issues? By the end of the call, I think I had the nurse almost crying with me.

Just finished up his last feeding before the surgery, he can have one more bottle of water and then that is it. His surgery is not until 10:30. He is going to be hungry and won't understand why we aren't feeding him. It breaks my heart that he might be scared and I won't be able to be there with him. We are going to bring his favorite blankie and animal to try and make him feel as comfortable as possible.

Need lots of prayers that everything turns out exactly the way that it is supposed to and we can get our little man back home today.

Happy ICLW

2011-12-20T21:54:00.000-07:00

Hello! This is the first month I have participated in ICLW in a long time!

My husband and I suffered through a miscarriage in July of 2010. After much thought and soul searching we decided to proceed with IVF in October of that same year. We were blessed to become pregnant with twins on that very first cycle. Our Zachary and Zoe were born this past summer.

I am touched every single day by just how special these babies are and what joy they bring to our lives. Our Zachary is what I call our grumpy old man. He grunts and groans, and makes my heart melt every single time he laughs or smiles. That boy is a charmer. Our Zoe is probably the single most sweetest creature I have ever run across. Always patient, always happy, and constantly cracking herself up. I prayed for these babies for years and now that they are here I still can't believe it.

I am so excited for our very first Christmas together. My family has always been close, but these babies have brought us even closer. So many people love these babies. My family keeps asking what I want for Christmas, the truth of the matter is that I received everything I ever wanted last July. As long as these babies, are healthy and happy, I don't need a thing.

I hope that each of you have a happy holiday filled with laughter, joy, and above all else family!

When did Faith Become a Four Letter Word?

2011-12-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

I, by no stretch of the imagination am a model Catholic girl. I can't remember the last time I went to church. I think about going a lot, but that probably doesn't count.

Tim Tebow. Can someone explain this to me? From what I can see, he appears to be religious, apparently always has been, and lives his life accordingly. Why, does this inspire such ridicule?

I think we have all heard news stories about athletes involved in drugs, crime, domestic violence, etc. Barely, a peep about these folks. For some reason, it is absolutely ridiculous to have a football player praying and thanking a greater power. Really? Personally, I think in this day and age it ought to be appreciated to have an athlete that is actually a good role model for kids.

I don't even really watch football anymore but this really bothers me. Leave this guy alone, let him play the game he loves, and live his life the way he sees fit.

We have a Roller

2011-11-28T22:08:00.001-07:00

My little houdini Zachary has become quite the little roller. A few nights we have gone into the nursery to find him rolled over and quite proud of himself. I am kind of sad that the first person to see him roll; live and in person, was my Mom and not Bill or I. I know that it is not supposed to be a big deal but deep down it kind of feels like it is. We shall see if Miss Zoe decides to follow in her brother's footsteps.

We got our family pictures back today and I think they turned out great. It still feels very surreal to look at the pictures and see my dreams of a family looking right back at me.

Thankful....

2011-11-25T05:53:00.001-07:00

I love Thanksgiving. It is absolutely one of my favorite days all year long. It give us the opportunity to think of all the good things in our lives. Here a just a few of mine.

I am thankful that I still have my Mom and Dad to share the day with.
I am thankful for my Sisters, without whom I would still be doing turkey day dishes.
I am thankful for my Nieces, the two most hilarious people I have ever known.
I am thankful for my Husband and his sweet, quiet way.
I am most thankful for the two sleeping babies in the nursery.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful time with their families this Thanksgiving. I, for one, am going to do my best this year to keep the spirit of the day with me and be thankful for the good things in my life every day.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Image Courtesy of Google Images

Twins Must be Hard

2011-11-19T20:34:00.001-07:00

We took the babies out last weekend to get family pictures taken. They did pretty good by the way. Poor Zach got a little hungry in the middle. They were so nice about it! They stopped, let us feed the babies and start back up about a half hour later. He did not give us that million dollar smile though. Turkey! I should have pictures to post next week.

Every time we are out and about not one but many people will remark either that twins are hard or that I must be tired. I want to be clear here, I really am not all that tired. I don't know why people are always making negative comments like that. It does get on my nerves. Maybe, it's because I personally find life a lot more enjoyable if you approach it from a positive place.

I look at Zach and Zoe as being every bit the blessing today as they were the day I found out about them. I love these babies, I do.

Moody!

2011-11-14T13:05:00.001-07:00

I am moody today, but I really don't know why.

We only have one car that the babies can go in. My car. My car is in the shop with a laundry list of issues. Luckily it will be fixed today, or unluckily when you look at what they will be charging us to fix it.

The car situation is a source of irritation for me though. We are so lucky to have my Mom watching the babies. However, the car situation it is hard. My commute was long to begin with. Now, with all the loading and unloading and driving to my Mom's and then driving to work and then repeat again at night.. It's difficult. I really wish my husband and I could share this a little. It feels like I am just driving and working and driving some more. The babies are cranky if they are not in bed by 6:30 so it doesn't even feel like I get to spend any time with them at all during the week.

We talk about the car situation all the time, but another family car is not going to be possible for 5 years. I think I am just feeling overwhelmed by a lot of things today but it is the car thing that has got my focus. I know that this is a non issue. The world is full of real problems and this is just not one of them.

I know what a Waaahnie Butt!

One Year Ago Today...

2011-11-13T20:17:00.001-07:00

Bill and I had to drive out South last night to pick up my Craigslist loot. The ladies house happened to be right by the Conceptions office. We started talking about how it was about this time last year that we made that journey. Today, I looked back through our files and realized it was exactly one year ago today that we had our transfer. Funny huh?

I remember coming back from that appointment last year, so scared, but hopeful too. I wanted it to work so badly. I was terrified of how I would handle it if it didn't work Secretly, I hoped for twins. It seemed greedy to feel that way, so I don't think I ever actually said it.

Somehow, someway all of our prayers were answered. I don't know how we were so lucky. Even now, I thank God everyday for these babies. They are the most amazing gift to ever come into my life.

The pictures you see are the first we ever received of our Zachary and our Zoe, one year ago today.

I am a Craigslist Toy Addict......

2011-11-11T10:24:00.001-07:00

It all started innocently enough, the babies were obsessed with the Baby Tad frog at my Mom's house. Just thought I would look for another. I wandered onto Craigslist and scored one for $5.

I have found that there are many a toy that others have purchased for full price that there children have never played with. My babies can have these toys at a deep discount. Oh dear. We have that frog, a doggie, a fire truck, a barbie car... Now this weekend the big score, the Fisher Price Step and Play Activity center.

I fear I will not be able to stop the madness........

Happy Friday

2011-11-04T15:01:00.000-06:00

What a great Friday I am having. Started out the morning with two happy babies. I love it when the day starts like that. Zoe was very impressed with her mobile this morning. I can't wait to get home and start the weekend with these babies. They are growing so much everyday.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

The Little Couple

2011-11-02T13:29:00.000-06:00

Although their journey is slightly different from mine, I do watch their show hoping for a happy outcome for them.

It was so interesting to watch the show. Last November, we went through our procedure and seeing it on TV really brought it all back to me. I was so happy to find out that their surrogate was pregnant. When they panned to their faces 6 weeks later, I recognized the expression. I won't lie, I cried. I remember that pain. It is something you would never wish on anyone. I remember going back and forth between needing to take time for myself to heal, to being so angry I couldn't even recognize myself, to urgently needing to be pregnant again. If I were just pregnant again, it would take away the pain. Obviously, it doesn't work that way; but your emotions are such a roller coaster after losing a baby.

This couple are exactly like Bill and I. I sincerely hope at the end of their journey, they get their happy ending too.

Happy Halloween......

2011-10-30T22:17:00.001-06:00

You Can Call me Aurora......

2011-10-28T10:45:00.000-06:00

Okay, I won't lie I am a child of the 80's and proud of it!

One of my all time favorite movies is Terms of Endearment. I have probably seen the movie 100 times and yes, I cry every single time I see it. Sap! There is one scene from the movie that I have always thought was absolutely ridiculous. In the beginning of the movie, Shirley MacLaine basically climbs into the crib to make sure that Debra Winger's character is breathing. She has her ear all the way up to the baby and can't hear anything. She finally pinches the baby and makes it cry. She then smiles and leaves the room.

Ridiculous, right?

I am afraid that I am constantly worried that one of the babies is not breathing. Everytime I wake up, I go and check. Zach snores already so he is easy. I can literally hear him breathing in my room. Zoe Anne is harder. She is a quiet girl. Last night, I couldn't tell if she was breathing; so I made Bill go in and check too. He couldn't tell either. So he lifts up her hand, scared the poor thing half to death. She promptly went back to sleep. I smiled and left the room.

Please help me, I am Aurora.....

Sad Baby......

2011-10-26T11:52:00.001-06:00

Happy Baby.....

2011-10-26T11:51:00.001-06:00

Get Ready Babies

2011-10-25T12:15:00.000-06:00

Poor babies! We are supposed to get our first real snow of the season this afternoon into tomorrow. They didn't like the rain a few weeks ago. Stay tuned for their feelings on snow if it shows up. Never can trust those weather people.....

It's My Blogversary....

2011-10-23T10:14:00.000-06:00

Is that a word? Probably not.

One year ago I started my blog. We had just made the decision to go ahead with our first IVF cycle. We said we would only do one cycle and that was it. Truthfully, I probably would have done two, but no more. I thought it would be helpful to put my thoughts down as we went through the process. If anyone would have told me a year ago that I would have two amazing babies napping in the living room, I wouldn't have believed them.

I was hopeful, and I was optimistic, but in the back of my head I was worried. Worried that it wouldn't work. Worried that I was too old. Worried that I would have another miscarriage. Worried that if I did have another miscarriage, I wouldn't survive it. Worried the baby wouldn't be okay. So many things to worry about.

I am happy to be blogging today with a much different focus than the one I started with. A focus on our chaotic, happy family. In retrospect, jumping forward with that IVF cycle was the single best decision of my entire life. I look at these babies and I cannot imagine my life without either one of them.I love that we are forging ahead and creating our own traditions with these babies.

Happy Blogversary to me!

Kind of Sort of Getting a Routine Going....

2011-10-21T13:40:00.000-06:00

I have found the whole process of getting a back to work routine going, challenging to say the least.

I am very lucky that my Mom is watching the babies for us. That being said, my commute both ways is about an hour longer than it otherwise would be. The babies and I are not getting home until 5:30 or 6 and they really like to be asleep between 6:30 and 7. My attempts to keep them up a little later with some play time have failed miserably.

I get home, get them fed and in jammies, and before we know it it is off to bed we go. Most nights lately, my husband has been home too which makes life so much easier. I go back downstairs and make our dinner and we are eating around 8. The babies, more often then not, will sleep through to 5 or 6 am and it all starts again.

I am trying so hard to find a workout time to get myself back in gear. My time with the babies is already so slim, I don't want to do it after work. After dinner is too late. Truthfully, I am still exhausted in the morning so before work has been a struggle. I have really been toying with cancelling my gym membership near my house and joining one near my work for a lunchtime workout. I am really starting to think that is the only way I am going to get this in.

This may sound weird to some but the workouts are very important to me. I went through some health problems a few years back and it was the addition of an exercise routine that I feel turned it all around. It has been a year since I have really been able to exercise and that is not good.

I am thinking the lunchtime idea is the only way to go.......

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

2011-10-15T22:29:00.002-06:00

October 15th is a special day. It is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Today, I remember our first baby. The one, that we experienced the highs of excitement when we found out that we were pregnant and the lows of depression when we realized that we were going to miscarry. We called him our Little Peanut. He was special to me; and I am just as heartbroken today as I was then, that he is not here.

I love my Zach and my Zoe; but you will always have a special place in my heart, because you were my first. I miss you still and will love you always.

I Don't Understand

2011-10-14T10:11:00.000-06:00

Sometimes the more you try to understand the God's plan the less you do.

Yesterday, I was floored by three families stories. First, I found out about a woman that after trying for years to have a baby, had embraced adopting a baby instead. The birthmother decided at the last minute to change her mind. After this couple had spent $10,000, they will not be bringing a baby home. Next, there is a family that I had become aware of through my twins group. They have boy/ girl twins just like Bill and I do. The girl was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few months ago and has been going through chemo and all that goes along with it. Well, yesterday their son has started exhibiting some of the same symptoms and will be getting an MRI today to see if he also has a brain tumor. Can you imagine? Finally, one of my fellow bloggers was 20 weeks along with boy/ girl twins named Michael and Elena and they died on Weds.

I hugged my babies especially tight this morning. I am thankful for them every single day. I will never forget what I had to go through to bring them home and they will always be the single biggest blessing of my life. While I am grateful for what I have; I am utterly heartbroken for each of these families. I am going to be praying for each of these families this weekend and hope you will do the same.

Am I Biased or Are these Babies Perfect?

2011-10-03T14:55:00.000-06:00

I know that I am their Mother, but I personally think these babies are perfect.

We will hit 3 months on Saturday. I cannot believe it! They are sleeping from between 7:30 and 8:00 at night until about 5 am. I never thought we would hit this but we have. They are talking to us, and smiling and laughing. I am having so much fun with these babies.

Zoe is aware of her brother and when they are together is trying to get his attention to play. Zach in typical male fashion does not seem to be aware of her yet and is happily oblivious. It is so cute when Zach cries, she starts crying too. It seems that she is worried about her brother and just has no idea why she is crying.

I miss them so much when I am at work. Calling my Mom way too much to see how they are. I do enjoy talking to them on the phone though:-D

I am adjusting to being back at work and it really isn't that bad.

Getting Stronger...Living Longer...

2011-09-24T09:16:00.000-06:00

It is time to get serious about losing this baby weight. Really considering that I had twins I didn't gain all that much. However, considering I had to do fertility treatments first, I am much heavier than I want to be. I need to drop about 50 lbs to be where I want to be.

Today, it starts. I am off to kickboxing class in an hour and I am pumped. I haven't been since before my miscarriage. I always loved going to class so much. I know that I will be sore this afternoon but it will be a good sore. At least, that is what I will tell myself. I am trying to go to the gym every morning before work and am planning on trying to work in a Zumba class on Weds. nights as well. We will see if the babies will cooperate enough not to kill my husband.

I figure having to write about my journey in the blog will help keep me honest. I will post an update every Saturday morning whether I made all my workouts, how its going, and how much weight I have gained or lost. I will not however be posting my actual weight that would be horrifying:-D

Have a great weekend!

Bad Mom

2011-09-17T19:44:00.000-06:00

Yes, I am afraid that it is true, I am a bad Mom. Why, you ask? I put my two defenseless children in their bumbo's yesterday well before their time. The box says they should be good to go at 8 weeks. Well, my babies are a good two weeks past that time. I thought it would be fine. Clearly, it was not fine.

Zoe, hunched over from the get go. I am ashamed to admit, I laughed and I laughed hard. She stayed in there for a good minute before letting me know of her displeasure. Zachary fits in the chair good, that chunky monkey. He does not mince words though, he alerted me to his displeasure immediately. Proof, of my bad deeds are attached.

In other news, yesterday was my 42nd birthday. My Mom and Niece came over to babysit the babies so that Bill and I could have a date night. We went to Maggiano's Little Italy. Oh my goodness, I ate long after I should have stopped. It was so good! Even more than that, it was so nice to have a quiet evening with Bill just to catch up. Everything has been such a whirlwind since the babies arrived.

Everyone kept asking what I wanted for my birthday. There is nothing else that I need, I got all I ever wanted on July 8th of this year.

How Amazing was that....

2011-09-11T21:34:00.001-06:00

I think last night was the most amazing night of my entire life. Not one but two babies slept all night long. I kept hearing stirring here and there but no one woke up until 5:30 this morning. I am not crazy enough to think it will happen again for a long while but it was at least a glimpse of hope for the future.

I have to stop into work tomorrow and talk to them about my return from maternity leave. Yep, my turn at the stay at home Mom thing is over and I have to go back reality now. Fun while it lasted.

I'll let you know how things go tomorrow.

Daycare is Crazy....

2011-09-09T20:37:00.000-06:00

Let me start this post by saying, I know I am lucky. My Mother did daycare either in our home or centers all of my life. She not only has offered to watch the babies for us but really wants to do it. If she goes 12 hours without seeing the babies withdrawl starts to set in.

I stopped by The Primrose School today just to see what they had to offer. For a daycare center, I loved it. Sign language, spanish, teacher to child ratio. All great. The grand total, not so great. $2400 a month, but they would give us a 10% twins discount bringing it down to $2160. My goodness, that is a lot of money.

We will keep them with my Mom until preschool. I would like to find a way to put them in Primrose for that. Believe it or not, I have already started looking into school options for them. I am not a big fan of the public school system. I would really like to get them either into a good Charter School or a Private School when it is time. Private Schools in Colorado run $20,000 a year though. These babies are the best and I just want the very best for them. I don't want to procrastinate and have their options be limited.

Like I said, I am lucky and the babies will be staying with their Grandma for the forseeable future. What about the Moms that aren't so lucky? I wanted to be a stay at home Mom but we have made the decision to go another route. How many Moms want to work and are forced through daycare costs to stay at home? This is a crazy world! We should all be able to make the choices that we want to make not have them made for us.

Okay, that wasn't so bad....

2011-09-07T21:17:00.001-06:00

Okay, I made a bigger thing out of the shots than I needed to.

We went in for our appointment, the babies are growing great! Zach is almost 11 lbs and Zoe is 10.5. When they brought in all the needles for the shots I was a little nervous. Bill went first with Zach. He cried from the first injection, and so did I. Quietly, but still I cried. Zoe and I were next. I was stronger for her, because she could see me. She is one tough chick. There were a total of 4 injections and she did not cry until the 3rd. The nurse and I were both impressed.

I thought the babies would both be miserable tonight. Surprisingly not, Zach has been sleeping all night. Zoe has been cranky but I suspect it is her tummy and not the injections at all.

First of many traumatic motherhood experiences, check.....

Need All my Strength......

2011-09-06T17:45:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow is the big day.

Zoe and Zachary have their 8 week appointment. Yes, this is the one where they both will get their first shots. I have been nervous about it for weeks and now it is here. I have been contemplating making a run for it. Mexico or Canada....either will do. I am fairly certain that I will cry more than they do.

On the other hand, happily I am in awe of these babies. It is astounding to me how quickly they are growing and changing. Zoe is starting to chatter a little and we have discovered that Zach has the biggest smile of any toothless person we have ever known. They are the most amazing babies on the planet ,of course and my favorite pastime is just sitting in my chair watching them.

I love to put them in their bouncy chairs and watch them play with their toys. Their attention span is all of two minutes currently but that is plenty for all of us. Neither of them has completely accepted their swing as a pastime that they enjoy but I have high hopes for the future!

Hoping that tomorrow is not nearly as traumatic as I think it will be. Wish us all luck......

8 Weeks Today

2011-09-02T21:10:00.002-06:00

I cannot believe that these babies are 8 weeks old today.

I am getting a little stressed out. They have their 2 month checkup on Weds and they will be getting their first shots. I know I will cry as much as they do. I just know it.

As a new Mom, I have a whole laundry list of things to go over with the Dr. One really weird thing is that it looks like Zoe is losing the skin from her thumb. I don't know if that is from trying to suck it so much, but it seems really strange to me.

We are still trying to figure out this whole baby colic thing without much success. I am remain positive that I will find something to make these babies feel better!

We will be having our first family barbeque with the babies this weekend. I hope everyone has a Happy Labor Day!

Grumpy Baby

2011-08-22T02:46:00.002-06:00

I love being a Mom. Deep down, it is all I ever wanted to be. I do feel like I am still struggling more than I should be.

Zach is a pretty colicky baby. I try so hard to try and figure out what it is that will make him feel better. To date, I have not succeeded. If anyone has any ideas of something that might help, I would love to hear them.

I know they say this stage should pass by 3 months, but could last up to a year.

Oh goodness, what will we do if it lasts that long?

Birth Control-Really......

2011-08-18T21:33:00.005-06:00

I had my 6 week follow up appointment yesterday. I can't believe it has been 6 weeks already! Everything looks great and all restrictions have been lifted.

The Dr's office had a form you had to fill out before your appointment and one of the questions was what form of Birth Control will you be using. My answer was "I Don't Know". I was promptly told that could not be my answer. Well, why not? Fine, Fine, going on birth control pills for 9 months but it feels just plain silly. I did need IVF to get here. Better safe than sorry, I suppose. We are definitely done trying but if we had a happy miracle that would be fine with us too.

My very favorite part of the appointment- I am 50 lbs lighter than the week I had the babies. Yay! Still have a little bit to go but that definitely helps with my motivation.

The babies are doing great. They become more aware of their surroundings everyday. They have discovered all of a sudden that there are toys on their bouncy chairs and are amazed by it all.

I, in turn am pretty much amazed by them.

How Am I Going to do This?

2011-08-12T13:28:00.004-06:00

I love these babies and they are absolutely the biggest blessing in my life. Boy, do they keep me hopping round the clock though.

The last few days they have been having a grand time with what I call tag teaming Mommy. One cries for a few hours, feeding, diaper change, a little rock here a little rock there and falls asleep. I swear not 30 seconds later, they switch.

I am lucky though , rarely are they upset simultaneously. This is good, because I still have not mastered the art of doing anything for them at the same time. Not feeding them, not holding them, nothing. I do feel like I should have gotten that down by now, but no.

I have to go back to work in 6 weeks, period. Not a decision that I am thrilled with but we have no choice.

I have really been trying to figure out in my head how this is all going to work. Yesterday, I barely had enough time for one glass of water, and a piece of toast. Good for my diet, not so great for me. This morning it was all but impossible to get a shower in and get dressed before my husband had to leave for work.

How on earth am I going to do this when I go back to work? Logistically, I am really struggling with being able to get it all done. My Mother told me this morning that it will get better in 6 weeks. Well, I guess it has to since that is exactly when I go back to work. I have honestly been considering getting up for the day at their 2 am feeding.

Deep down the fact that I will not be home with them just breaks my heart. I am trying so hard to be positive but at the end of the day I feel that these babies deserve the best. I grew up with the best. My Mom was always there when I needed her. They deserve as good as I got, if not better. They deserve a Mom who is devoted to them 100% of the time.

I am afraid of what having a Mom from 6pm to 6am will look like in their lives.

Glad that is Over

2011-08-10T22:09:00.006-06:00

Well, I am happy to report that when I went back to the Dr today the infection is now under control. I just have to take the medicine until it is done but I should be fine. I would be lying if I didn't say that I was worried that I would be going back into the hospital today.

I go back next Weds for my 6 week follow up appointment. I can't believe it has been 6 weeks already!

The babies both discovered their hands today and were actually enjoying the time in their bouncy chairs. I think we are really starting to hit that patch where they are awake as much as they are asleep during the day.

Yesterday, we completed our journey to the babies Dr's office. Zach is now 8.5 lbs. I was afraid he was gaining so much that they were going to put him on a baby treadmill. He is good, they want him nice and chunky! Zoe is now 7.9 lbs. They have just about outgrown their newborn diapers headed off to size 1 already.

They are growing way too fast for me already. I've attached a picture of them waiting to head off to the Dr. yesterday.

Not sure if you noticed but somehow I gave birth to Arnold from Different Strokes. An 80's reference for any of you that are out there:-D

Need Lots of Prayers....

2011-08-08T22:35:00.002-06:00

So, I always have done things according to my own time schedule. There is no rushing me, I like to take my time.

I went into the Dr. on Friday with what looked like an infection at my C Section incision. Up until this point everything appeared to be fine. She thought it was a little strange for it to pop up so late; but wrote me a prescription and told me to come back on Monday. Over the weekend, the area became more and more painful and I could tell that the affected area was spreading.

They asked me when I went in today how I thought it was doing and I told them I thought it was worse. This was confirmed by the Dr. I am now on two separate antibiotics and a powder. I have to go back in for another appointment on Weds. If it is not significantly better by then I will be admitted into the hospital. Apparently, they will need to begin a course of IV antibiotics.

I need to be home with these babies, not cooped up in the hospital. I am keeping my thoughts positive and am determined that the medicine will kick in and do its job.

In the meantime, if you can spare them we could sure use your prayers.

It's a Jungle Out There....

2011-08-06T22:01:00.002-06:00

Oh my goodness! The last few days have been rough on and off with the babies. I just think their tummies have been giving them trouble here and there. So heartbreaking, when you can tell they are in pain and nothing you are doing seems to help.

All in all, today was a pretty good day for the babies and I. It was a jungle in the diaper department though. Zoe peed on the changing table twice. I had a pooping situation when changing Zach. This means he was still quite busy when I removed the diaper. I closed the diaper down, and decided to check again in a few minutes to see if he was done yet. Of course, in addition to pooping it was time to try and improve his aim in the pee department. I closed the diaper down again, and finally the third time was the charm! I then had a pooping situation with Zoe that required, three or four diapers by the time it was done.

I have cried more than once this week, thinking that I need to be a better Mother than I am. Ever since I was little, the one thing that I knew for sure that I wanted to be when I grew up was a Mom. I think when you struggle with infertility you put horribly high expectations on yourself. Expectations that are impossible to meet. I am trying very hard to lower the bar for myself but have not succeeded as of yet. I am definitely still a work in progress.

Bill is watching the babies for me downstairs right now and I am off to bed to try and get a little nap in, I am exhausted!!

One Year Ago......

2011-08-02T04:17:00.003-06:00

One year ago today was the saddest of my life.

The Dr. called me to tell me that I had miscarried. I had begun to spot on Friday. Never had I imagined that this meant the baby would not survive. It was never even a thought for a second in my mind. This is why the call was absolutely devastating.

I remember getting up from my desk, absolutely sobbing. I left work for the day with not much conversation with anyone as I left. I didn't call Bill, deciding till he got home to tell him. I sat there for hours, waiting for him to get home. As soon as I heard the garage door open, I started sobbing again. I met him outside to tell him the news. I will never forget the sad look that came across his face. I felt like I had failed him in such a significant way. I know he never felt that way, but I did. Truthfully, sometimes I still do.

I remember this overwhelming sense of sadness. It was the kind of sadness I had never felt before. The kind of sadness that feels like you fell in a hole. I remember crying non stop for a month.

It is unreal to me to be sitting here right now on this sad anniversary watching these two wonderful babies sleep. If anyone had told me a year ago, I would have told them they were crazy. I was sure on that dark day that our one chance at a family had died too.

Life really does surprise us in the most spectacular ways.

I am Sorry that I am Sorry, Really I am.....

2011-08-01T21:21:00.002-06:00

So, I have this incurable condition. I apologize all the time. For stuff I did, for stuff I didn't do, for stuff I might do in the future, for things you did. You get the idea. I have always been like this, yet, I still do it.

My Mother just informed me that I am doing it with the babies now, and it needs to stop pronto. It is a struggle. I wanted these babies for so long. Now when I do things that upset them, I apologize. I change their clothes, I apologize; change their diaper, I apologize; give them a bath, I apologize. Listen, if they are upset; I am upset.

I am sorry, really I am.......

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

2011-07-31T18:29:00.002-06:00

I started this blog to document my journey of trying to get pregnant after my miscarriage last year.

I have gotten so much support from so many wonderful ladies. Ladies, who like me, were struggling with the ability to become and or stay pregnant. I know that after my miscarriage seeing or talking with other women who were pregnant or who had just had babies was incredibly difficult for me.

The last few days I have been struggling with what I should do with this blog. Is it okay if I transition this blog to be about my life with the babies or should I start a new blog?

Little Boys-Oh the Mystery that Is....

2011-07-29T20:22:00.003-06:00

Okay. So everyone in my family has been girls. I am one of three girls, and my sister had two girls.

I have changed many a diaper in my day, and dangerous it never was. Until now. I swear Zach pees on me a minimum of three times a day. We go through at least three changing table covers, and four outfits. Those would be his outfits not mine. This little boy can shoot three feet across the room and his aim is supreme. My Mother did daycare and she swears she never saw a boy such as mine.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me? Anyone.......

Tired....

2011-07-28T14:16:00.003-06:00

I think the last few weeks is catching up with me. I am so exhausted today it is hard to function.

I have to say I am very lucky. I have a large extended family that has been coming over as much as I need to help in anyway they can. They have been helping us get organized, cooking dinners, feeding babies, etc. I have absolutely no idea how parents of twins who do not have this type of extended family do it.

Still, I am tired. Bill and I have decided to bring in a wonderful lady one night a week. She will take care of the babies so that we can get one night of uninterrupted sleep. What originally felt like a luxury we could probably do without; definitely feels like a necessity today. Luckily, tonight is her first night.

Like so many other things in my life this has definitely fallen into place at exactly the moment when I needed it most. Looking forward to bedtime tonight!!

Adjusting

2011-07-24T23:51:00.006-06:00

So many changes when you bring one,let alone two babies homes from the hospital.

Ever since I was little, I knew that I would be a Mom someday. My dreams for myself would come and go, but the one constant was that I would be a Mom. As I started approaching 40, I began to think that I would have to let the dream go. Somewhere deep down, I just kept praying for the family that I always had pictured.

Everything started falling into place right after I turned 39. I met Bill, we were engaged within 6 months, and married a year later. We started trying to get pregnant not long after we were engaged. Nothing happened. Apparantly, I had been faithfully taking birth control pills for a decade for naught.

Last July, after a year of trying; we finally were pregnant. I don't ever remember being happier. A week later, I was heartbroken to find out that I had miscarried. I felt that sadness deeper than any in my life, so much so, that is was difficult to emerge from it. Finally, I did; and we made the decision to try IVF once. My prayers have been answered and we are blessed with not one baby but two.

I would be a liar if I said that the hormone free fall after childbirth wasn't an issue. It is. I trend towards being an emotional person to begin with, so this is a struggle.

The adjustment period for our family has been a little longer than I anticipated. I feel like we are just now finally hitting our stride and we will be able to establish a schedule for ourselves.

Bill had never really been around babies before; I worry that the adjustment period may be harder on him than it is on me. I know that he loves these babies with all of his heart and is a wonderful father to them. I do worry though that this dream that I thought was ours was really just mine. I worry that I just plowed full steam ahead, like I always do. I worry that he was just trying to make me happy, like he always does.

Already, it is impossible to remember our life before these babies. Right from the minute they were born I was struck by how vastly different their personalities were. Zoe is quiet, sweet, happy, and I think will be very silly. Zach is determined to be heard, sweet, happy, and I think will be quite serious.

The one thing that I know for sure is that we are quite lucky to have been chosen to be the parents of these wonderful babies. I know that we are just starting an amazing journey together and I, for one, cannot wait to see where we end up.

We are Home!!

2011-07-21T20:14:00.003-06:00

Okay, we have been home since the 11th but my life has been a whirlwind!

We checked into the hospital at 5:30 am on the 8th for a scheduled 7:30 C Section. We were bumped from the schedule twice so I wasn't taken back until 9:30. Of course, I can't complain the other procedures were emergencies and luckily mine was not.

I have to say that the spinal that I was so nervous about was about as bad as I was picturing it. I kept having shooting pains so they had to reinsert the needle a few times. Not fun! Once it kicked in I got a little nervous because you literally cannot feel yourself breathing even though you are. This freaked me out and things were a little touch and go for a few minutes until I could calm down.

Finally, they were able to bring Bill into the room for the surgery to begin. I felt so much calmer once he was there with me. The procedure itself was not bad and Zach was out before I knew it. Zoe literally tried to jump out behind him which is why they were both born at 10:29. Zoe was 6 lbs 2 oz and Zach was 5 lb 12 oz.

The babies are perfect no health issues at all and we all went home together 3 days later. All the nurses at the hospital kept telling us how amazing that was.

We are all still adjusting to each other but they are both wonderful babies. Zoe is one of the calmest babies I have ever run into and Zach is definitely not. I love how distinctly different their personalities are already. It is most definitely the most amazing adventure and I look forward to learning more about them everyday.

We are so happy to finally have our family and feel more blessed than I ever imagined I would be.

Can't Sleep

2011-07-08T01:13:00.003-06:00

I know that I am nervous about tomorrow. I have had surgery before but I can honestly say that I have been asleep for every other procedure that I have had. I am sure it will be fine but....

Also, all of a sudden tonight I have this horrific pain all throughout my legs, hips, and groin. It is awful-can barely even walk. I guess they are pulling these babies just in time.

We have to be at the hospital in 4 hours, I better try to get some rest. Wish us luck!

Progress

2011-07-06T12:38:00.004-06:00

Well, we went back into the Dr today and I am now 4 cm dilated. They asked if I was having any contractions and I really did not think that I was. This rumor was dispelled when I was on the fetal monitor. Apparently, I am in contraction denial!

Considering that I am now 4 cm and Baby A also known as Zachary is breech we went ahead and scheduled the C Section for bright and early Friday morning. So worst case scenario we will meet these babies on Friday. I am nervous but very excited!

They measured the babies today and it looks like one is 5 lb 9 ounces and the other is 5 lb 13 ounces. I am hoping they are developed enough that no one will need to go to the NICU.

I cannot believe this is really happening!!

We Could be Having Babies This Weekend......

2011-07-01T04:43:00.004-06:00

I will be 36 weeks this weekend. A few weeks ago the Dr told me that most women with twins will go into labor by 36 weeks, if not, we would schedule a C Section for week 38.

We went in for our ultrasound today-both babies are looking perfect. Although, we can tell each week that Zoe is going to be our wild child and she will keep us on our toes for sure! Zachary on the other hand was mellow yellow as usual.

We then went in for our Dr appointment. We spoke with the Dr a little bit about what to be looking for in labor and then had my first vaginal exam to see if I was dilated. Guess what, I am 3 cm dilated.

The Dr asked me "Are you sure you haven't been having contractions?". I really don't think I have been. A braxton hicks here or there, sometimes I get what feels like a side stitch but that is it. She told me that I appear to be fairly tough with a high pain tolerance and will need to pay attention to what my body is telling me. Oh great! I really don't want to be the first story on TLC's "I Didn't Know I was in Labor".

Before we left she did tell us that she would not be surprised at all to see us at the hospital this 4th of July weekend. Eeks! We could be getting close after all. I am excited but very nervous as well......

Approaching the Finish Line

2011-06-07T15:53:00.002-06:00

We had a our 32 week appointment this morning. The Dr told us that most women will go into labor by 36 weeks and worse case scenario they will induce at 38 weeks. So we are basically looking at just one more month until we bring these babies home!

As crazy as it sounds, we are not ready! So, I have got to move things into overdrive now to finish up that nursery. We need mattresses, car seats, changing table, etc.

I am definitely excited, so this is a good stress. Wish me luck as I begin this process of wrapping things up!

30 Weeks and All is Well.....

2011-05-23T10:20:00.002-06:00

Everything is going so fast. I can't believe that we are already at the 30 week mark.

I am still working and there has still been no talk of putting me on bed rest yet. Keeping my fingers crossed! I am definitely not spry by any stretch of the imagination but I am plowing right along. My hope is to work up until the very last second so that the majority of my time off will be spent with babies and not Dr. Phil:-D

In our ultrasound a few weeks ago the ultrasound technician noted that the little girls head was just a tad smaller than the little boys head. She said it probably wasn't anything to worry about and the Dr said the same. Of course, the next few days I spent googling and worrying a lot. I am still a little worried but am trying to remain very positive until our next ultrasound in 2 weeks.

The nursery is coming along nicely. We have one Winnie the Pooh mural done and the other should be completed this week. My plan is to post pictures next weekend.

Even though I am uncomfortable and very tired; I know that I have nothing to complain about and try very hard not to. I am feeling very lucky and can't believe how close we are getting to bringing those babies home. I can't wait!

A Tale of Two Mother's Days

2011-05-08T01:58:00.002-06:00

Technically, this is my very first Mother's Day.

As of this morning I am exactly 7 months along. I have to say that I never thought that this day would come. My dream for so many years was to have a baby. The fact that this is actually happening and that we are going to have not one but two children at the end of this is surreal.

My husband put together both the double stroller and one of the cribs tonight. It is amazing to be to the point where we are actually doing this. Up until this point, it has been real but not real if that makes any sense.

Bill is doing much better. He has recovered from his first surgery and had another since I last posted. Yes, I am a horrible blogger! Luckily, all of the tests ended up coming back normal so we are happy to be putting that chapter behind us now.

We have been having family drama over that last few weeks. I won't bore you with all of the details but his Mother who has never been a fan of me got very angry during his first hospital stay. She actually ended up calling me to yell at me and ended up screaming at the top of her lungs at my poor husband and hanging up on him. Not long after that phone call, his blood pressure plummeted and he almost passed out.

My husband who is absolutely the sweetest person I have ever known had not heard from her since. She had shown no concern for his health at all. Being the person that he is he sent her a beautiful Mother's Day edible arrangement. When he texted her today to see if she got it. He just got a nasty response and he found out that she actually had refused his gift. Can you imagine?

My Mother in Law is the type of person that seems to work very hard at pushing everyone out of her life but on the other hand is quite angry that she is alone. She has said on many occasions that her children are ungrateful and that she feels that they owe her.

As someone who has wanted to be a Mother for so long this behavior astounds me. I look at our babies as such an amazing blessing. I was lucky to be raised by an amazing Mother who shows me and now Bill such love and compassion everyday.

The stark comparison to my Mother in Law is beneficial as well. It will help me remember in the years to come what we had to go through to have these babies. It will help me to remember how my Mom raised me and to strive to be half the Mom that she is. It will help me to remember that being a Mom is the most important thing that I will ever do. It will help me to never forget the love that I feel right now as we anxiously await their arrival. The love that feels so large right now; that in a few years will be tiny by comparison.

I end today wishing a very Happy Mother's day to all the women out their who are currently raising their children; the women that are currently pregnant with their children; and especially to those out their that are still striving and searching for their own path to motherhood.

Happy Mother's Day to all of us!!

No Sleep for Me Tonight

2011-04-18T22:24:00.003-06:00

It has been a rough day. My husband went in for outpatient surgery this morning and ended up getting admitted to the hospital. I actually have never spent a night in our house without him and I am missing him so much. Currently, trying not to cry but failing miserably.

Need lots of prayers that I can bring him home tomorrow.

24 Weeks

2011-04-12T13:27:00.003-06:00

We went in today for our 24 week checkup and everything looks great! Our little girl was kicking the crap out of the little boy. Alas, it starts already....

I was disappointed to find out that I will need to do the glucola test again. I thought I only had to do it once, but twice it is. I hope I pass it again, so I can be done with this already.

We have the base coat down in the nursery and it looks great. We just need to get the mural painted and we will be well on our way! I will post pictures once it is all done. I am so excited to be at this point. It is going so fast......

Today is Going to be a Tough One

2011-04-03T08:48:00.003-06:00

We were so happy when we found out that we were pregnant back in July. Had I not miscarried ; today would have been when I was due to deliver that baby. I know that she wasn't strong enough but still she is missed. Losing her was the most painful and heartbreaking event of my life. I must have cried non stop for a month. The pain was still there long after the tears had stopped. We are so excited about the twins coming but it is hard. I don't want to forget my first baby just because two more are on the way. She will be in my heart and on my mind all day today.

Weird Pregnancy Effects

2011-03-29T02:38:00.002-06:00

I don't know if you call this a pregnancy effect or a pregnancy symptom. I basically can't feel my right hand. That probably sounds a little more dramatic than it needs to be. It is like my hand has fallen asleep; 24/7. It is driving me crazy! I have never heard of this from anyone else. Is this normal, or is it me and not my pregnancy that is weird?

These Babies Are Moving!!

2011-03-22T10:20:00.002-06:00

This week has been a pretty amazing one. I have really begun to feel these babies moving around and it is the coolest thing.

Before my ultrasound last week, I was a little worried something was wrong because I hadn't felt anything yet. Boy, on Thursday that all changed. I swear they both did a complete 360 degree turn at the same time. Weird but amazing feeling!

I am going to enjoy this right now because I am sure in the not too distant future these babies are going to be beating me up real good!

We have a.......

2011-03-15T15:19:00.002-06:00

We are so excited right now, it's a boy and ........ a girl. Isn't that amazing? The ultrasound tech said " You can be done!"

Everything looked good, no problems at all. They couldn't get a good look at the girl's face because she was sleeping on her stomach. Which is funny, this was my previous sleeping position before the babies nixed it!

I will get an ultrasound every month now, so they should be able to get what they need on a future visit.

Right now, everything is full steam ahead with nothing to worry about. Until of course, I create something in my head to worry about. Stop it........

Anatomy Scan Today

2011-03-15T07:22:00.002-06:00

We leave in about an hour for our anatomy scan. I am nervous but excited also. Keep your fingers crossed for 2 healthy babies!!

Misunderstandings, Miscommunications, and other Misses

2011-03-12T03:37:00.003-07:00

Struggling tonight.

Sometimes in a relationship whether it be with friends, family or a significant other it is hard not to judge yourself. Conversations can grow wildly out of control and become completely different entities than they were ever intended to be.

I sit here contemplating whether it is really worth it. It seems like such a bother. I could just be quiet. Not say a word about how I am feeling; and live in ignorant bliss. Maybe being true to yourself is overrated.

Then again, maybe it isn't.

Glucose Screening Take 2!!

2011-03-10T14:21:00.002-07:00

Well, tomorrow is the big day. I have to go back in to try and take the test one more time! I have been pretty sick all week so I am hoping for the best. I am going to get up, take my anti nausea pill, have a little something to eat and go for it! Wish me luck:-D

Other than that, things have been going pretty good. Getting pretty excited about the anatomy scan next week. I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything is still okay with the babies. I still worry so much; but I am fairly certain I will worry about them in one way or another for the rest of my life.

I have been looking at baby stuff but still have not been able to pull the trigger and buy anything. I think we are going to order the cribs tonight though. Big move! Making this first purchase has been a hard move for me to make. Important move though. Weird, I know. We just want these babies so much that the thought of something going terribly wrong and having a nursery in the house scare me to death.

However, it is time to stop avoiding...

Bad, Bad Blogger

2011-02-20T03:23:00.003-07:00

I have not been very good lately about writing. I am a bad, bad blogger.

Things have been going pretty well lately. The anxiety with this pregnancy has pretty much gone by the wayside, with a brief occurrence here and there.

I did go in last week to do my gestational diabetes test. I think I had to do it early because I am officially considered high risk. I was so mad! I drank all of that horrible junk and guess what 2 seconds later it all came back to me. Gross! Now, I have to take the test again in a few weeks. When the receptionist told me, I said "Good luck with all that! Well, I guess we have 5 months to try and get it done!"

The Dr said part of the problem probably was me drinking it on an empty stomach. Truthfully, I was afraid if I ate it would mess with the results and I would have to do the 3 hour. I guess, I will try again in a couple of weeks and keep my fingers crossed the long version is not in my future.

We were not supposed to have an ultrasound at this appointment; but they were only able to find one baby's heartbeat with the doppler. A little scary for sure. They did give us an ultrasound and both babies are looking great! Heartbeats still around 160 for both and they weighed 5 and 4 ounces. Can't wait for the anatomy scan in 3 weeks!

My husband and I were able to go and look, just look at baby stuff last weekend. It was a lot of fun, to start thinking about what we need to get for their nursery. I am not quite ready to make purchases, but I am ready to start researching to see what has the highest safety ratings! Yes, I am a big stinking planner. Probably one of the reasons infertility was so hard on me.

I still have a pregnancy journal and a baby journal in my drawer that remain unwritten in. This is a struggle. I actually bought them the day I was having my miscarriage in July completely unaware of what was to come. We put them away to save for a happier time. Well here I am; and I find myself unable to pull them out.

It upsets me that I haven't been able to write in these journals. I am excited about these babies and I absolutely want them to know someday how much they were anticipated, wanted, and loved.

I know logically that I am through the rough patch. More likely than not, these babies will be okay. There is something about taking those journals out and writing in them that scares me a little. This is weird, I know it is. For lack of a better word, I am afraid writing will jinx something. Is it a superstition if it only affects me? The whole thing is weird, I know; and probably a little crazy too!

I am afraid that as always my Mother is right. She keeps telling me that I am doing too much, and I need to respect my pregnancy more and not fight it so much. As usual, today I tried to cram an entire weekend into one day and it exhausted me. Tomorrow, my plan is stay home and relax all day.

I am going to try my best to take those journals out tomorrow. I am going to take the cap of the pen and throw caution to the wind and just write. In every other aspect of my life, I have been able to push through what scares me and I will find a way to do just that in this instance as well!

Probably.

Working on Perceptions

2011-02-03T09:37:00.003-07:00

I think we all do it in one form or another. Every wish, every dream that we have for ourselves comes with some idealized preconceived notion. You know, when you were young and you fantasized about being an adult. Did you picture yourself as fabulous? What did it look like? Maybe no stress, nobody telling you what to do, a sports car and a big house? Me too.

I always pictured myself being married to a wonderful man, which I absolutely am. However, with that picture, of course, there were children. The children part was not as easy as I pictured it. A miscarriage, and amazingly 1 IVF treatment later we find ourselves pregnant with twins. I am almost 4 months pregnant and thrilled.

This is where my preconceived notions come back into play. I had an amazing childhood and as a result I have always pictured myself being the same type of Mother that I had. Even though I have worked in the corporate world for 20 years, I have always imagined that I would be a stay at home Mom.

I always imagined that I would not miss a thing. I would see it when they would first crawl, I would be there for their first words, their first steps, all of it. As they grew older, I imagined that I would be there when they got home from school just as my Mother had been for me. I remember vividly how many horrible days somehow got at least a little better by that quiet time in the afternoon when I would tell her about school that day. As a result of how I was raised and who my Mother was, to this day my Mother is one of my best friends.

My husband and I have had many talks this week about our future and the future of our family. We have come to the conclusion that being a stay at home Mom will just not be in the cards for me. I would be a liar if I said this did not break my heart. It just does.

How many of these things that I have pictured will someone else see? Will someone else be there for there first words and I will just hear about it after the fact? I hope not, but rationally I know this will be the case for many things.

I know that most women have to or choose to work after they have children. I guess I am just struggling because this is the complete opposite of how I wanted to raise children. I am sure that there are women out there that are having the opposite struggle; they want to go back to work, but the cost of child care does not allow it.

I am still absolutely thrilled about having twins, and raising them with the most amazing man on the planet. I am just working on my perceptions of what it means to be a good Mother.

A complete overhaul is in order. I just need a few days, to put it all back into focus and work on what I will need to do to make this new version of family life work for us.

All I have ever wanted was to be a good Mother. Whether it is the stay at home version that was my dream or the working version that is my reality, I will be a good Mother.

12 Weeks and You Must Chill!!

2011-01-18T14:08:00.005-07:00

I have always been a thinker, a planner, and a worrier. Thinking is cool, planning is better, the worrying now that is an issue!

We went in for our NT scan today and everything looked great. Both babies had a heart rate of 159. At this first glance, nothing appeared to jump out to indicate down syndrome; which is great. I would really really prefer to skip the Amnio if I can get away with it.

We saw the babies again and they look great. Wiggling around like crazy, you would too, if somebody kept poking you like that!

I have decided that I need to chill and just enjoy where I am right now with this pregnancy. I feel really good after the ultrasound today, and we are at 12 weeks. I am just going to put the worrying on the back burner until there is officially something to worry about. That is my story and I am sticking to it!

Next Dr appointment in 4 weeks..........

What a Terrible Dream

2011-01-14T04:00:00.003-07:00

I am going to warn you this dream is just awful; but it has woken me up the last few nights.

In the dream Bill and I go in for our NT scan. To us, everything looks fine and we are thrilled as we always are when we see the twins. The Dr then informs us that one of the babies heart has stopped somewhere along the line. This is the point where I wake up.

What is going on? I know that I am just worried about the scan on Tuesday. Maybe even a little more worried than I was willing to admit. This is ridiculous though. I think my subconscious and I need to have a little chat. Ney Ney on the Nightmares about the Bebe's-K?

Going to try and go back for a little nightmare free rest-I hope........

I am Graduated!!

2011-01-11T14:41:00.002-07:00

I went in this morning for my last blood draw at the RE office. They just called and said that everything looks perfect! I will start to come off some of my medication on Saturday when I hit the 12 week mark.

I am kind of sad though. Everyone at the RE office is so nice I will miss going in there to see them every week. I do really like my OB also. It's just a different level of care between the two offices.

The next big hurdle is next Tuesday. We have out NT scan scheduled for that day. I am a little nervous about this one so keep your fingers crossed for us!

Pregnancy Brain

2011-01-05T04:08:00.003-07:00

I had my first confirmed case of pregnancy brain yesterday.

Yesterday morning we had our first appointment with my regular OB. I had just been in two months ago for an appointment right before we started IVF. It was so nice to see how happy my Dr was to see us back so soon! We went ahead scheduled the NT scan for the 18th. I am hoping that turns out okay because the thought of an amnio scares me to death. Anything that has a possible risk of miscarriage feels extreme to me.

I went to work and had a fairly non eventful day. All day long I was looking forward to my massage last night. I left work and got stuck in rush hour traffic, which is pretty typical. Stopped at the store to pick up a mega millions ticket. I had to do it! The line was so long it felt like a 30 minute wait but I know it was probably just 10. Went home and crashed on the couch.

My phone rings, and my heart drops, it is my massage therapist. My massage that I was so excited about all day. Yep I forgot to go to it! Pregnancy Brain! Thankfully, she was so sweet about it and rescheduled me for tonight. I am certain that Pregnancy Brain cannot strike two nights in a row....

Happy New Year!!

2010-12-31T01:49:00.002-07:00

I have to say that 2010 has definitely been a mixed bag but mostly I think it was a good year.

We started out the year officially trying to get pregnant.
We made the decision to see the RE in May.
Had the best day of my life in June when Bill and I got married!
Found the infertility to be mostly age related.
Made the decision to give IVF a try in August and amazingly found out we were pregnant.
Two weeks later had the worst day of my life when the Dr called to let me know the we had miscarried.
Great day again when I flew an airplane for my birthday!
Even though still struggling we decided to give IVF a whirl in November.
Amazing days when we found out we were pregnant again and the subsequent ultrasounds showing both babies with heartbeats, growing, and moving around like marathon runners.

2010 absolutely has been the happiest and the saddest for me. I would never let myself say that it was a bad year because of the struggles we had. Too many amazing things occurred as well. I am embracing all of 2010. The horrible sadness that came from losing our first baby and the amazing high of seeing the twins. Of course, I worry everyday and I pray that they will continue to grow and that they will be healthy.

I have high hopes for 2011 and cannot wait to see what the New Year brings us. Good and bad 2010 was a whirlwind. I am excited to see what you have in store 2011-BRING IT ON!!

Wishing you all the best-Happy New Year!

9 Weeks and 3 Days

2010-12-28T11:57:00.006-07:00

We went in for our second ultrasound today and I was worried. I kept having this fear that one or both of the babies had stopped growing or their hearts had stopped beating. I haven't had any more spotting lately but I was still concerned.

The babies are both doing great!! One measures 9 weeks and 4 days while the other one measures 9 weeks and 3 days. Their heart rates were right where they should be as well I think one was 165 whiles the other was 178.

I really am starting to feel like it will be okay to just settle in a little bit and just enjoy this whole pregnancy thing. We are definitely taking things slowly and not getting too ahead of ourselves yet. That being said, I am over the moon right now. I cannot believe this is actually happening. Fingers crossed, it looks like our dreams of a family actually is coming true....

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T15:55:00.003-07:00

It has been super busy this week! Lots of running around-but I am finally done. We will go to my Mom's house for dinner tonight and my sister's house for Christmas tomorrow.

I have been thinking a lot over the past few days how different this Christmas will be from next (hopefully). This will be our last Christmas with just Bill and I. I am really trying to take it all in and really appreciate this time that we have together.

This time next year, we will have two babies crawling around trying to plot their great escape to get to the tree! I know that it will be stressful but amazing. As much as I am loving this Christmas the thought of next year makes me smile from ear to ear as well.

We have so much to be thankful for and have already received so much we don't even need any other gifts under the tree. Hoping that everyone has a happy weekend, with much love, laughter and family. Merry Christmas!!

ICLW Already?

2010-12-20T19:09:00.003-07:00

I can't believe that another month has passed. Last ICLW we had just gone through our very first IVF and were waiting to find out if we were pregnant.

Well, happily we are 8 weeks along and are expecting twins. What a difference a month makes. I am cautiously excited! We have been pregnant once before and that ended in miscarriage at 6 weeks.

Things have been going great this time though. Just saw the heartbeats last week which was amazing! Ultrasound #2 is scheduled for next Tuesday; we can't wait! I think when we go back and see that there has been progress and the heartbeats are still there it will help me be a little more at ease that everything is going to be okay this time. Well, that is what I say now anyway....

Happy ICLW and thanks for stopping by!!

8 Weeks Pregnant-A Miracle

2010-12-19T05:57:00.003-07:00

Today we are 8 weeks pregnant; and I still feel like it is an absolute miracle. The spotting has completely stopped again . Actually kind of funny, as soon as we had the ultrasound and saw that everything was okay-spotting stopped. Fingers crossed, but I have a feeling that it will pop back up periodically just to keep me in line!

The last couple days have been kind of rough though. I just have sporadic nausea and headaches. Truthfully, I think that I have not adjusted my eating well enough yet and that is what is causing it. As soon as I eat, most times I start to feel much better.

We saw a nutritionist a few weeks back to try and make sure my eating is on track for the pregnancy. She said that for one baby you just eat 300 calories more so it really is a pretty insignificant change. She was pretty clear, no you are not eating for two! We go back to see her again the first week in January. I want to be sure that I am adjusting correctly for twins not over correcting. I need to be more careful than most when it comes to the eating. Let's face it, I am not what they would call petite to begin with!

Just excited right now and still a little nervous. Miscarriage is always in the back of mind, a little less this week, and hopefully even a little less than that next week...

Twins-Are You Kidding Me?

2010-12-14T12:22:00.002-07:00

What an amazing day today has been. I was spotting most of the afternoon yesterday and crying most of the night last night. Although I was trying so hard to remain positive I really was trying to prepare myself for the worst today.

When we went in for our Ultrasound at first I thought it looked empty again-just like before. My heart sank. The ultrasound technician then told us "Well, we have two in there." They both have very strong heartbeats and are the size they should be. Bill and I could not believe it. I cried a little again but this time a very happy cry.

This is absolutely the closest thing to a Christmas miracle I have ever experienced. I know we are not out of the woods but this is an amazing start.

I have to try and find a way to remove the smile from my face or at least tone it down. I kind of look like the joker right now and that is so not a good look...

One More Day!

2010-12-13T06:15:00.004-07:00

So I was spotting again yesterday. Goodness gracious, knock it off already!

We go in for our ultrasound tomorrow morning. We can finally get the answers we have been waiting for. Honestly, even though on the one hand I have a really good feeling about the whole thing; on the other I am terrified there will be no heartbeat. I just want this to work out so badly.

I cannot worry about receiving bad news until I get it. I just don't know what I would do-the last miscarriage was absolutely devastating and I just don't know how I would handle another one right now.

So for now, I will keep picturing a healthy baby, maybe two with amazingly strong heartbeats. I am grateful that this part of the wait will be over one way or the other tomorrow.

Up Early Again

2010-12-11T04:55:00.006-07:00

Courtesy of Google Images

So funny, the last few years I have definitely been someone who wakes up early. Not true, when I was younger! This is even more pronounced the last few weeks. I am pretty exhausted at night and am asleep by 10 at the latest. Like clockwork though, I wake up raring to go between 3 and 4. I don't mind it so much though. I have so much on my mind it is nice to have this quiet time.

I have been having a lot of what I think are regular pregnancy symptoms this week which although not tons of fun; are giving me a certain degree of comfort. I have started to have a lot of nausea this week. Never in the morning though; always at night. I was supposed to go to a dinner for work last night but I was just too sick to go. Most people do not know I am pregnant and it would be pretty embarrassing to have to run out of the restaurant. I have also been having some pretty severe muscle pain. The Dr's office has told me that it is round ligament pain and is nothing to worry about. Knowing that, I just kind of roll with it. I just need to get out of bed very slowly, if I stand up to fast-wow! I do find myself wondering if the early onset of this symptom could be a sign of twins.....

I have been taking it very easy this week and the spotting has subsided. I think they may have been right and I may have been pushing myself too hard. When you are so used to being on the go all the time it is harder than you would think to pull back . I think this is something that I will struggle with god willing all through this pregnancy.

Only 3 more days till our first ultrasound. I am nervous and excited. I do have a really good feeling about it though. As cautious as I try to be, I just know there will be a heartbeat on Tuesday, I just know it.

So Frustrated!

2010-12-07T21:41:00.002-07:00

I am still spotting, not as much, but still spotting. This of course has me very nervous and I am trying my best to remain positive.

Today, I finally called the Dr's office to see if we could move my ultrasound up to Thursday or Friday of this week instead of next Tuesday. I was just not looking forward to spending another weekend worrying about this.

They refused. Just flat out told me that they wouldn't do an ultrasound before 7 weeks. Basically, it might be too soon to hear or see the heartbeat and they wouldn't want me getting upset if I didn't need too. Valid point, I suppose. But another valid point; I am upset now!

Oyy! So whether I like it or not I have to wait an entire week to find out if everything is okay or not. So I will take a deep breath, say a big prayer, and keep hoping for the best!

6 Weeks Today-So Now I Am Spotting

2010-12-05T17:16:00.004-07:00

So this is the big week for us. Last time we were pregnant I had a miscarriage in between weeks 6 and 7. I knew that when I hit this week of course I would be excited-but also scared.

Everything started out fine this morning. We were decorating our Christmas tree this afternoon and I just started feeling a little weird. Almost like I could pass out but not; if that makes sense. Next time I went to the bathroom, there it was. The tiniest bit, but brown spotting. I just cried.

We called the Dr's office and they told us the usual, spotting is normal in the first trimester, could be the crinone, nothing to worry about, etc. They told me to only start worrying if I were to start saturating a pad every hour with bright red blood.

Maybe this would be a different conversation with someone who had not had a miscarriage before. This is what I know from my experience; a miscarriage does start with brown spotting, brown spotting is something to worry about and is not normal, bright red blood saturating a pad every hour is a full blown miscarriage.

Maybe I have not been taking it as easy as I should be. I am usually just a go go go type of person. I am going to lay down for the rest of the day and pray like I have never prayed before.

I just don't know what we will do if this is happening again. Please do not let this be happening again.....

Beta #3

2010-12-02T15:29:00.005-07:00

Even though the nurses told me that they thought everything was fine and that I shouldn't worry. I was worried. I was still having pain and I was starting to get really concerned.

I went in this morning to have them redo the blood work to see if anything looked like it could be a problem. They just called and said there is nothing in the blood work that concerns them at all. In fact, my beta is now 8455. I can't believe it! I am really excited now!!

I know that we are definitely not out of the woods but this is really a positive sign to me. I really think I will just be able to relax now until we have our Ultrasound in 2 weeks.

All is Well-I Think

2010-12-01T09:45:00.003-07:00

So I talked to the Dr's office yesterday and they told me that they were not worried at all about what is going on with me right now. All completely normal. This is a big relief-kind of.

When you have gone through a miscarriage I think it kind of alters the experience a little. It seems to me that I am super sensitive to every little twinge or pain. I need to just try and put those worries behind me for now and just try and really enjoy this experience. It is amazing to me that we are pregnant right now. What a miracle! I still cannot believe it.

I am going to try and not worry so much and just enjoy this until the 14th when we have our first ultrasound. Maybe easier said then done-but I am going to give it my all.

Sometimes Google is not our Friend.

2010-11-30T05:32:00.003-07:00

So last night I was laughing and had some pretty extreme pain in my lower abdominal area. It is still fairly sore this morning when I move around or press in that region. As someone who has had a miscarriage before; of course, I am terrified. No spotting or bleeding, but terrified just the same. Oh and also I am a lunatic.

What would a lunatic do when faced with this situation? Of course they would start clickity clacking on the keyboard to see what Dr Google has to say. Well now, I am worried that Dr Google has diagnosed me with an ectopic pregnancy. Could also be round ligament pain but never mind that!

Goodness gracious! Sometimes I think we were better off when we did not have so much information readily available to us. Less to worry about until we had to worry about it-if that makes sense.

So I am going to pray a lot, try and remain calm, and call the Dr's office when they open in a few hours.

It's A Miracle!!

2010-11-24T14:46:00.002-07:00

I am just about bouncing off of the walls right now. Finally got our results back. Beta #1 on Monday was 145 and beta #2 today was 361. We are definitely pregnant!! The estimated due date is July 31, 2011. I can't believe this worked what an amazing Thanksgiving gift.

We go in for our first Ultrasound on December 12th. Hopefully we will see or hear the heartbeat on that day. Having had a miscarriage before I think I will be cautiously optimistic for awhile but this is definitely one of the happiest days of my life.

Wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!!

This is Ridiculous!

2010-11-23T10:23:00.006-07:00

So my husband finally gets a call back. Get this one. Oh no, it was too early for a beta yesterday we actually were supposed to wait until Thanksgiving for that. They are embarrassed that their paperwork was wrong and also that no one bothered to call us. They are cautiously optimistic that I am pregnant. Not sure what to do with that tidbit of information.

I am so irritated right now. I just had to hold on until yesterday; now I have to wait two more days. Of course, that is assuming we will in fact get a call back this time. I know two days shouldn't be that big of a deal but it really is.

Need to meditate or something. Serenity Now!!

Still Waiting.......

2010-11-23T09:36:00.003-07:00

Oh my gosh, this is driving me crazy! We left a message 90 minutes ago and still have not heard back. This is torture. Just tell me already are we pregnant or not????

Okay, deep breath..........

Oh Mylanta

2010-11-22T17:36:00.003-07:00

Goodness gracious! As if today has not been stressful enough it appears my Dr's office is not going to call today with the results. I know that they return calls until 5:30 and it is about 10 past now.

When I went in for blood work this morning the nurse did tell me that the spotting wasn't necessarily bad. So that part is hopeful, although I was told the same thing about the spotting with what turned into my miscarriage in August as well.

So now this rollercoaster ride continues until tomorrow. I really thought I would have an answer today. Stay tuned........

Well, Crap

2010-11-22T04:30:00.006-07:00

I go in for my beta this morning and last night I started getting very light pink spotting.

I am hoping with everything that I have that this means nothing. I am afraid that my period is starting. As if this day wasn't going to be long enough, throwing this in does not help a thing.

I won't lie, I cried last night. A cry that I haven't seen since my miscarriage back in August. I am going to try my best though to keep my thoughts positive today.

Need all the prayers I can get that IVF #1 is not a bust.

Insomnia Again?

2010-11-21T04:10:00.008-07:00

Image Courtesy of Google Images

I used to sleep like a log. I had this weird thing where I would fall asleep until my head hit the pillow until the alarm went off the next morning. I used to joke with people that I had narcolepsy. For some reason, ever since my miscarriage I cannot sleep through the night. This is even more true since starting IVF.

I am not sure if the arsenal of medications that you take to try and support a pregnancy are adding to my insomnia. Probably not. My mind is racing. There is so much involved physically, financially, and emotionally to pursue IVF. Bill and I both want this to work in the worst way. To know that in one day, we will find out if by some miracle we will be the lucky couple who gets pregnant on their first cycle. I have done enough research and follow enough blogs to know that is not typical. Especially not typical for someone my age.

I am afraid the next 24 hours will be one of the longest in my lifetime. I know one thing for sure, right or wrong we will have an answer shortly and that is a good thing!

I am a big believer in working hard to maintain a positive attitude though. Believe me, many times throughout this process that has been hard work. So, I am going to take me, the twins, and my positive attitude back to bed and try and get a little sleep.

Wish us luck!

I Will Not do It!

2010-11-19T11:39:00.002-07:00

So, right from the very beginning I told my self that I absolutely would not take a home pregnancy test. We had to do the HCG booster shots and I am certain that a false positive only to find out we are not pregnant would be too much to take.

I have to be honest, the wait is really starting to get to me. I still have in my possession a Costco type arsenal of home pregnancy tests in my bathroom. Yesterday, I could feel my will wavering as I approached the bathroom. I even took a test out and started to open it up. It would have been so easy! Alas, reason prevailed and I put the package back in the cabinet.

Am I like an addict? Why do I still have pregnancy tests there-screaming my name? Am I glutton for punishment? Am I overly dramatic-yes on that count!! We went to dinner with my family last night and they have threatened to confiscate the contraband if I do not behave.

There was a woman leaving the Dr's office this morning crying. It was so sad, I don't know her story at all but it really touched me. We all have similar, yet different stories; but the pain is the same.

Here is where things stand, blood work this morning and blood work on Monday. They should have the results Monday afternoon and I will know one way or another. My resolve is strong! I will not POAS this weekend, I will not POAS this weekend!!

I will keep my thoughts positive and just keep visualizing that little baby or two that hopefully will be home with us this time next year.....

Exhausted!!

2010-11-17T15:25:00.002-07:00

Today, I am so tired it is ridiculous. You know when I was pregnant last time I was so exhausted that it was hard to function. Yes, I was only pregnant for about two weeks but I really was tired. Really! You need to believe me!!

So, I have decided that this is a good sign and I am in fact now pregnant. No one can tell me any different until next Monday. Five long days from now......

I am Fairly Certain that I am Crazy!

2010-11-14T16:51:00.008-07:00

Courtesy of Google Images

I swear that every twinge that I feel right now is implantation pain. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I definitely feel like I am going a little nuts. I have been on bed rest for three days and am probably going a little stir crazy at this point.

When I was pregnant the last time, I did in retrospect have implantation pain and bleeding. These twinges are messing with me though. Am I really feeling them or do I just want to be feeling them? Was that a twitch? Maybe now. Okay, that was one for sure! I had my five day embryo transfer on Friday so I could be feeling them. Or, I could not. See what I mean crazy!

How am I going to make it to the 22nd; which is when we will find out if this worked or not? If this is where I am two days in what will I be like in a week. Scary!

I think going back to work tomorrow will be a good thing, a very good thing.

The Twins Are In

2010-11-13T09:42:00.007-07:00

For someone that has no experience with any of this, I think yesterday went really well. I woke up excited and nervous about the whole process.

We had to arrive an hour before the procedure to allow for the acupuncture. This meant I needed to start my water guzzling a little early. You need to drink 32 ozs. of water before the procedure. After my acupuncture we waited for the embryologists to come and get us. By this time, I was miserable. My bladder was so ridiculously full that I was in pain, I thought I would cry. To top it all off, they were running a little late. NO!

The embryologist came to talk to us. She brought us pictures of all 5 embryos. She explained to us that 2 were no longer viable, 1 we would be able to freeze, and 2 were perfect for transfer today. Of the 2, one looks like a big rock star. To me, it looks like a boy and a girl. My Mother told me last night that she thinks that the big one will split into two and we will end up with triplets!

They brought us into the procedure room and had me hop up on the ultrasound table. My husband had to put on all the medical garb, hat, shoes, mask. He looked so cute; I loved it! When they looked at me with the ultrasound the Dr told me I got an A+ for filling my bladder. They knew I was so uncomfortable. He explained to us that if your bladder is full it gives them more of a straight shot to the uterus. In that case, my discomfort was definitely worth it.

I have to say that I think the whole process is pretty cool. You can see on the ultrasound screen when the embryos go shooting in. It actually gave me goosebumps. If we end up pregnant, neither Bill or I will forget that feeling or that moment. It was amazing.

The embryologist did tell us that the procedure went amazing well and the embryos ended up exactly where they needed them to be. I just had to lie there for 10 more minutes before I got to go to the restroom. Amen! We had our second round of acupuncture for the day and then we could go home. I am on bed rest for 3 days now.

I realized on the way home that Bill and I got married 5 months ago to the day. It hadn't dawned on me until then. It rained on our wedding day and so many people told us that was good for fertility. Who knows, maybe us having our egg transfer on that particular day is a good omen.

I am going to be praying, praying, praying for the next 10 days. I have a really good feeling about this and am very hopeful that at the end of this we will find ourselves pregnant and then of course stay pregnant.

The twins are in; they just need to stay put now.

We are Finally Here

2010-11-12T03:32:00.003-07:00

As of yesterday, there were still five embryo's. Which in itself is pretty amazing to me. I was worried that only one or two would make it until today.

We will need to go into the Conceptions office at 10:45 this morning. We are doing acupuncture before and after the procedure. I figured if we were doing this IVF thing why not go at it with both barrels. I have done so much research I could probably give someone an Egg Transfer next month. Uhhh, maybe not.......

After today's procedure I will need to be on bed rest for three days. I tried to get everything as organized as I could last night so I wouldn't be tempted to be doing things that are on the unapproved list this weekend. The unapproved list is long! I know myself and having to lay for three days is going to be a tough one for me. If I am still for a minute I will come up with something that I need to be doing.

This weekend may be a good thing for me. Force me to get some rest that I have been neglecting for what feels like months. It seems that since my miscarriage back in August I just can't sleep the way that I used to. It is interesting to me, I am not really dreaming about the miscarriage the way I used to. It still affects me in a profound way. Maybe it is the knowledge that I have no control in what will happen in the situation. Maybe it is having experienced that excruciating pain; not just physically, but emotionally. It scares me to death that I might go through it again. Deep down, it is more horrifying to me that I might never be pregnant again.

So, I push all these little fears, these little doubts aside. I know that remaining positive right now is key. I will visualize us with that new baby who will God willing be home with us this time next year.

Are Fertility Reports Always This Exciting?

2010-11-08T19:07:00.004-07:00

This is what I found on our bulletin board when I got home from my egg retrieval yesterday. My husband left the sweetest note and it actually made me cry. He has been amazing throughout this entire ordeal.

When we left the Conceptions office yesterday they told us that they would call us at some point today to let us know where we were with the embryos. Some just would not make it.

The majority of my soreness was gone by this morning. So I decided to give going to work a whirl. I figured I am going to have to miss time at the end of the week and IVF generally is hard on a work schedule. I am very lucky though. I have been with my employer for 17 years and they are working with whatever I need to make this happen. One less thing to worry about!!

My phone rang on the way to work and my heart dropped to see that it was the Dr's office calling already. I was sure they were going to tell my "Sorry-your eggs are all expired. Better luck next time." Great news-all 6 eggs were mature and 5 of them have fertilized. They told me that everything looks good and they would call again tomorrow with another report.

I was so excited, you would think that I just won the powerball. The best case scenario I had put in my head was maybe half on the first day. I have never been through this before but I think this is a really great sign. My wish throughout this whole process was that first and foremost there would be embryos to implant on day 5 and that there might be a few left to freeze as a backup plan.

So right now, I am very happy. Trying very hard to remain calm and not get to carried away. It is a long time until Friday and we just have to ride this out.

Egg-static

2010-11-07T16:54:00.003-07:00

So the deed is done! I have to say having your egg retrieval date falling on the day that time changes add an additional layer of needless worry. Did they remember that time changed when scheduling? Oyy...chill you must chill....

We went into the Conceptions office this morning for our egg retrieval procedure. I have to admit I was more than a little nervous when the anesthesiologist walked me over to the room where the procedure was done. He put me at ease very easily and started my IV. Funny how quickly it starts to work, almost immediately. I think I was only awake for five seconds after the Dr came in. Next thing I knew, they were waking me up and walking me back across the hall to my husband. Really nothing to it. I am tired and a little sore but nothing like I had imagined it would be. Picturing needles being where you never thought they would be has a tendency to really get you imagination going:D

They were able to retrieve six eggs. Six is my new favorite number! It feels like a good number, I hope that it is. They will call us tomorrow to give us the fertility report.

Now, I go back to bed and we wait.

Exhausted

2010-11-06T19:48:00.003-06:00

The plan today was to try and take it easy as much as possible in preparation for our egg retrieval tomorrow. Good luck with all that!

As I sit here and look at the bruises the needles have left all over my body this week; tomorrow's procedure weighs heavily on my mind. Surgery is always a little frightening. I know that at last count there were ten follicles, surely that would not produce ten eggs. Maybe half that? Of that half, how many eggs would be good? Maybe half that? Of that half, how many embryos will be left to implant at five days? Maybe half that?

So many pills, so many injections, so many Doctor's appointments. All of this culminates in the combination of the procedure we will have tomorrow and the one we will hopefully be having five days later.

For some reason, I have not slept well this week. It could be the menopur and the bravelle. It could be the fact that I was born a worrier and these scenarios are running through my brain way too much! All this leaves me feeling a level of exhaustion I have not experienced before. Not just physical exhaustion but emotional exhaustion as well.

This is too important; I cannot go into this surgery run down. I am going to force myself take a deep breath, relax, close my eyes and just picture myself with the baby that I know in my heart of hearts that Bill and I are destined to have.

IVF Trigger Tonight!!

2010-11-05T21:45:00.004-06:00

Okay! Patience is a virtue that I do not always have. The Dr's office called this afternoon with the game plan for this weekend. We are going to trigger tonight. This is a big relief to Bill and I.

We are to give me two injections of Ovidrel at 11:30 tonight. Surgery is scheduled at the Conceptions Littleton office for 10:30 Sunday morning.

I am excited and nervous at the same time. It has been such a struggle to get here and we are almost there. Of course, after this procedure we wait five days to hopefully implant the embryos and then wait another two weeks to find out if we are pregnant. Really, this is just a crossroads to the beginning of the next part of our journey.

For some reason, I am starting to have a good feeling about this whole process. I really am starting to feel like maybe, maybe just maybe at the end of this Bill and I will have the beginning of our family.

IVF is a Waiting Game....

2010-11-05T15:21:00.002-06:00

One of the things that I struggle the most with is the waiting with IVF. Once you get to this point in the journey, you already feel like you have spent so much time waiting. Anything longer feels intolerable.

On Tuesday, they were sure we would trigger on Thursday, yesterday they were sure we would trigger tonight, today we are not so sure. The good news is I have 10 follicles. The number sure fluctuates a lot!

I know that the name of the game is to get as many follicles as mature as you can. I am such a planner though. This uneasy feeling of not knowing is difficult for me. We actually had used up all of our ganerelix last night so it didn't even occur to me that we might have to go one more day. They were great about it and gave me another day's worth just in case. Although, deep down I am really hoping that we do not need it. Being type A me, I want to get this show on the road already.

My stomach is in knots right now, I just want to know the plan.

I will just take a deep breath, hope for the best, and wait.

Feeling Calm.....

2010-11-04T14:20:00.006-06:00

Okay, so it has been a few days since my freak out about the Dr's office. I have noticed that going through this whole IVF process has a tendency to put me on edge at times. Sorry, friends, relatives, and strangers that meet me on the street!

Things are actually looking pretty good right now. According to my ultrasound this morning we have 11 follicles to work with right now. Just two days ago it looked to be only 7. My acupuncturist told me the other day to really go to town with my water consumption to try and plump those eggs up! Depending on how my blood work comes back today we will either do the egg retrieval on Saturday or Sunday. Originally, the earliest it was supposed to be was on Tuesday.

I am actually pretty excited right now. Bill and I both have a really good feeling about IVF.

Either today or tomorrow we say goodbye to Bravelle, Menopur , and Ganerelix and hello to our trigger shot!

Why does it have to be this hard?

2010-11-01T10:38:00.005-06:00

I have been working really hard at keeping my thoughts focused on the positive. I have dealt with the sadness that came with our miscarriage, the fact that getting pregnant the "regular" way is not just ever going to be possible for us. Going to acupuncture, and Dr's, and Ultrasounds, and blood work....

You listen to the Dr and try and do what they say. However, when they in turn are not doing what they say they will do it is frustrating, dare I say infuriating. When you start IVF you get a very specific list of instructions. We were told that we would use the same dosage Thursday through Saturday. On Sunday, would be very important that we go all the way down to the office to get an ultrasound and blood work. They would get the results back the same day and they would call us to let us know what our dosage should be and to schedule the same testing for Monday.

Well, I patiently carried that cell phone around all day yesterday. No call. I left a message supposed nurses "hotline" at 5:00 last night. No call. We went ahead with the same dosage we have been doing and hoped for the best. I tried to call the office at 7:30 this morning to see if we could get in for testing today before the 8:00 cutoff. No answer. When I called back to try and speak to someone they told me I would have to leave a message on the "hotline" again. It has now been two hours since that message. No call.

When we chose our clinic I was under the impression that they were one of the best in Colorado. What if I was wrong?

Here we are four days into injecting medications into my system that as we speak are swelling my ovaries. Now, no one will return a call. I know that I have missed one day of testing. I may be giving myself the wrong dosage of medication. I may not even get an appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning. I am horrified.

This is not good, it is not good at all.

Relax. It is going to be okay.

2010-10-30T04:48:00.000-06:00

IVF is definitely not for the faint of heart. It requires a lot of commitment. Commitment of time, of money, and lets not forget the emotional commitment. The road that Bill and I have taken, is not easy. Sure, we could have said no children but that was not what felt right for us.

I felt the emotional toll it can take when my husband got home last night. He was at a customers house late, got home a few minutes after we were supposed to do the injections. When he came upstairs I could see the panic in his face. He felt like he had failed me. Of course, this is impossible. This man, who is giving me injections nightly in spite of a fear of needles had not failed me. It absolutely broke my heart to see him so stressed out. I told him that it was okay and we were going to be okay.

I know that as we go through this process we will need to support each other. I think that the weight of the IVF process will weigh heavily on both of us at different times and in different ways.

I do feel very lucky today. Lucky that we live in a time when science can help us. Lucky that I have insurance that will cover the IVF. Lucky that I am spending my life with someone as amazing as my husband and someone who would do absolutely anything for me. Very lucky, indeed.

You know, we are going to be okay.

Walk Slowly and Carry a Big Needle.

2010-10-29T13:02:00.000-06:00

So I guess I got a little carried away the other day. After I worried about it all day long, the Doctors office called and told me we would be good to start the injections as they were originally scheduled. The cyst was nothing. Thankfully, I could then get back to worrying about the shots themselves!

We have scheduled all my medication for 9 pm so that we can be sure that we will not miss a dose because one of us has to work late. Right on schedule Bill came upstairs to get me for our injections. We took all of the boxes out of the fridge, laid out the syringes, the needles, and just kind of stared at the pile for a minute. It is a little overwhelming to look at medication that you would normally see in a Dr's office or a hospital and know that you are doing this. I know we were both a little scared. We decided to take all of our paraphernalia upstairs and watch the instructional video one more time before starting.

Then it was go time! Bill loaded up the syringes; which in itself is a bit of a science! He looked slightly terrified as he got ready to inject me with the needle. He was so worried that he would hurt me. He actually had to try three times because he just wasn't using enough force and the needle was just bouncing off of my stomach. On the fourth try he was golden, and it didn't even hurt as I was sure it would. Bill has a bit of a medical phobia so the fact that he is mixing medication in a syringe and injecting me with a needle is unbelievable. It must be terribly difficult for him but he is pushing through it for our dream.

I have to be honest I felt a twinge of sadness as I was looking at all of that medication laid out. I wish so much that we would have been able to get pregnant and stay pregnant on our own without all of these extra measures. On the other hand, we are very lucky. Most people in our situation would have to pay $30000 out of pocket to do this and my insurance is covering it for us. I have no right to complain about anything and I know it.

They have told us to continue with 3 vials each of Bravelle and Menopur until Sunday. After my ultrasound and blood work they will give us additional instructions. I am determined to keep my thoughts positive.

We are well on our way, no looking back now.

14 Follicles and 1 Big Cyst

2010-10-27T11:32:00.001-06:00

Today started out innocently enough. We are supposed to be starting our injections tomorrow night. We had to go into the Doctors office this morning to have blood work done and an ultrasound. Really was supposed to be a quite simple process.

We go in for the Ultrasound and the technician starts counting follicles, "1, 2, and here is a big cyst on your left ovary". What? How is there a cyst on my left ovary? We have had 2-3 ultrasounds in the last month and it wasn't there then. I have been on birth control pills for a month. The reason for the birth control pills I was told was to avoid a cyst. The ultrasound technician then tells us that it will be a conversation with the IVF nurse that will tell us whether our cycle which is barely off the ground has been cancelled already.

The other thing that worries me a little is the follicle count. When we had this done in June prior to our miscarriage the follicle count was 19. This seems like a big drop to me. Maybe not. When you are over 40 these little adjustments feel huge.

So, we sit down with the IVF nurse and she tells us we will need to wait for them to call this afternoon to see if our cycle will be cancelled. Apparently, the blood work will tell them if this is a dormant or active cyst. Something in the estrogen levels will determine whether or not to cancel our cycle. Something in heart is telling me it will probably be cancelled. I know that this cyst is new.

I am going to be praying all day long that my gut is wrong.

Why Don't You Just Adopt?

2010-10-24T14:14:00.000-06:00

Sounds so simple when people say it. I absolutely have nothing against adoption and we are looking into this is well. It isn't quite as easy as people make it sound though.

A few weeks back, Bill and I went to an information meeting for a place here in Denver called The Adoption Exchange. These are some wonderful people doing amazing work. The meeting was an eye opener for sure. For example, to apopt an infant is about a 2 year wait and a cost of $30,000. Here is the catch though-half of adoptive mothers change their mind. You would think your 30 grand would be put towards another child. Nope. You would have to pay it all over again if the mother changes her mind. It is one thing to pay that money and end up with a baby it is completely another to pay it and have an empty nursery. I thought miscarriage was heartbreaking but this-wow!

Another thing to consider many of the private adoption agencies will not allow you to start the lengthy adoption process if you are undergoing fertility treatments. This being said we have decided to pursue fertility treatments and put adoption on hold for now. I think if we were to adopt I believe we would adopt an older child out of the foster care system. These are the types of kids that The Adoption Exchange focuses on. I know that there are so many great kids out there who the world so far has not been great to.

It sure would be something to make one of those kids part of our family. A lot of work for sure but a lot of reward as well- I think.

Here I Go!

2010-10-23T17:21:00.000-06:00

I guess I am doing this... I thought this blog would be a good way to work through my thoughts as I approach this next step in my journey.

A little background on me. I am like many women today, finding myself 41 and wanting to start a family. I found my soulmate a little late in life-we met two years ago and just got married in June. I have worked for the same company for 17 years. Bill and I have also started our own company; Code Blue Computing which is his life long dream. Bill is amazing and I wouldn't change a thing as it relates to that. However, we have been trying to get pregnant for over a year. Back in August we thought our dreams had come true but I miscarried at 6 weeks. Absolutely, the most heartbreaking event of our lives.

Through all of the testing it has been pretty much determined that there is not really anything wrong with us. I think it is just the age issue. I have become addicted to Teen Mom recently and can honestly say fertility really is wasted on the young!

So now, we have decided to move full steam ahead with IVF. I think I am most worried that we will have to go through another miscarriage. I have heard of women going through multiple miscarriages and they really have my admiration. I just don't see myself as being that strong. We are lucky my company offers full insurance coverage so our out of pocket will be minimal compared with what most people have to pay. The company I work for is headquartered out of NJ; which is one of 15 states I believe that mandates IVF coverage. I think this is something that will really need to be looked at in the future. So many women struggle with infertility.

The last week has been spent on the phone going between the Dr's office and Cigna Mail Order Pharmacy trying to get my order shipped out. The original pharmacy the Dr called the order into couldn't bill Cigna for some reason. So they could either transfer the prescription or have us pay $7500.00 and file for reimbursement from Cigna. No thanks!

Finally, today the Fedex truck pulled up with two full boxes for us from the pharmacy. Needles, syringes, medications we will need to mix daily for injections in either the stomach or the thigh, and lots of pills. The amount of medication needed for this chance at a family is staggering to me. Bill is afraid of needles but will be powering through it to give me my daily injections. That is one of the sweetest gestures ever made towards me.

We are supposed to start the injections on Thursday with our egg retrieval tentatively scheduled for November 9th.

I guess that is it for now. I am excited and nervous as we start this journey but am ready to get going to see what the future holds for us!